My messages today are to be relieved of the pain that I have been experiencing for over two months now. I am past grieving - I gave myself one month (a little more than) to mourn the loss of my land, and I saw this as acceptable as on the day I decided that I would no longer bereave, I read in Deuteronomy that the Israelites mourned the death of Moses for one month, as was accustomed. I was satisfied to stop wallowing in my sadness, but in truth I held on to the pain. This is for a couple of reasons I think. 1) I am inherently a fearful person and while I am happy in my new home, I await crisis far greater than what I have so far experienced, and 2) I find comfort in the melancholy.
Then, in my decision to "move on", I stopped writing, and I think that is a third reason why I have been in such a deep funk that I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am a dry drunk, for the first time at four and a half years of sobriety. Strangely enough though, as I feel I peaked in my misery yesterday, I also believe I had my spiritual awakening. I had my "ah-ha" moment of faith and works, after discussing the grace of God and our (in)ability to do good works, this entire week (and which was truly an exhausting but clearly fruitful discussion between several people).
In the truth of God, there is hope, faith, and love, and Apostle Paul told us that the greatest is love. This was very hard for me to understand, as we are saved through faith. What can be greater than salvation? But if I don't love others, then I do not really have faith, for "agape", saving love is what Jesus gave to us. It is a fact that I cannot love, if I am self-absorbed in my hurt feelings.
What is supposed to make humans different from other mammals is that we have the ability to reason and create. While I assume to Native American belief that ALL life is sacred, I don't want to live as other organisms in nature - I want to add value. When I am suffering, I am in survival mode: I am simply putting one foot in front of the other and counting the minutes and hours until I can retire for the night.
And worse yet - I am viewing the world as inherently flawed: a design gone wrong, nothing more than organisms living without meaning, people who are lonely, pollution to the earth on a wide and criminal scale, deforestation, corrupt leaders, people in such poverty they don't even have clean water, people hurting each other, sometimes in the most cruelest way, and even en masse, and animals and insects habitually fighting for often scarce food and resources, having to give way so that a more powerful organism can live on.
What is supposed to make humans different from other mammals is that we have the ability to reason and create. While I assume to Native American belief that ALL life is sacred, I don't want to live as other organisms in nature - I want to add value. When I am suffering, I am in survival mode: I am simply putting one foot in front of the other and counting the minutes and hours until I can retire for the night.
And worse yet - I am viewing the world as inherently flawed: a design gone wrong, nothing more than organisms living without meaning, people who are lonely, pollution to the earth on a wide and criminal scale, deforestation, corrupt leaders, people in such poverty they don't even have clean water, people hurting each other, sometimes in the most cruelest way, and even en masse, and animals and insects habitually fighting for often scarce food and resources, having to give way so that a more powerful organism can live on.
I am probably at the lowest point in my life. Normally when I get this bleak, it doesn't last long, just a moment here and there. But this time it's been days, and it's been consistent throughout the days. I think I might be in full-flight depression. I have never felt worse about myself, or so it seems. I probably did feel worse about myself when I was not sober, but that time is far enough in the past now that I do not easily recall it (nor want to). I ultimately was given two major stressors within one month of each other (Moving for the first time in 40 years, and turning 40 which was always my "I am officially old" age), and though I know it is not unbearable, it is extremely tiring. That said, I know without doubt that this will pass, and I suspect it will pass sooner than later.
Now that I know that the solution is love, I want to work through my issues, and in this new found determination and self-respect, I believe that the universe will place the right people in my path to walk alongside me as I complete my transition. If I cannot be of service, my life is utterly meaningless, so I refuse to be enveloped in dejection any longer.
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