Note: Upon proof-reading I noticed there are lot of "I"'s in this piece, and while that might be a red-flag in terms of the self-absorption that I rebuke, I do not believe that to be so in this case. It is necessary to clear out the junk within self, before going out into the world to help others. Jesus said to love God, and to love our neighbours AS ourselves. This, to me, implies that we must first and foremost be healed, before helping others to heal.
I had a great talk last night with my friend who I lost a bit of touch with. I told her about the challenges that I was going though, and how while I had the peak of my hardship last Thursday, I also had what I truly believe to have been my (real) spiritual awakening. She said that she's found the most incredible growth and "ah-ha" moments have come after coming out of a major challenge. I really believe this now - my growth and awareness, as well as my connection to God, self, and others, has been incredible even though at the time I couldn't see the light that was to come after the night.
I had a great talk last night with my friend who I lost a bit of touch with. I told her about the challenges that I was going though, and how while I had the peak of my hardship last Thursday, I also had what I truly believe to have been my (real) spiritual awakening. She said that she's found the most incredible growth and "ah-ha" moments have come after coming out of a major challenge. I really believe this now - my growth and awareness, as well as my connection to God, self, and others, has been incredible even though at the time I couldn't see the light that was to come after the night.
I believe that I had what was my spiritual experience one week ago today, because even though I have had a drastic outlook in the way I interpret situations, and the way I consequently react to them for the last little while, it wasn't until last week when it was infused in my heart what "faith without works" truly means.
And it happened at a time when I was struggling the most, and I knew it. Bill W. also had his spiritual experience when he came to understand that he was not able to manage, so I take that and see they are similar situations, where the love of God infused us, and we knew intuitively that we were going to be okay.
I have been in the depths of selfishness and self-pity - the root of all of my problems, but when I am "in" it, I really don't *want* to get out of it. This, to me, is what mental illness really is - the complete inability to resist a powerful subconscious takeover of will that is justified in the comforting feeling of despair.
I am really understanding that not only can we "work" and co-operate with God by accepting His grace and thereby healing from disease, "works" is really the sacrificial love that we offer to each other - that is where recovery and salvation really come from. I didn't "know" this. I didn't care about the newcomer, and I didn't care to really be of service to any groups. And my refusal to help others was really where the curse of selfishness, self absorption, and self-righteousness would infest.
I have sincerely been happier since I came to realize that I can turn my thoughts around by getting back to a healthy work ethic and by caring about the well-being of others. And as in God's perfect timing, I had lots of visits with lots of amazing people over the weekend. That, along with my new outlook and change in attitude, prepared me for what has been a great week, which I haven't had in months.
When I am in the thick of it, I sit in it. That's been my experience. So, while life will throw it's curve-balls, I work to maintain the perfect hope that I will reach a level where I do not need to learn from hardship, but rather that I maintain strength through helping others with their burdens, and being proactive in nurturing the "good" in my life, before I let it get compromised.
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