My curse is strong today. It sometimes happens after times of spiritual ecstasy. The Lord had blessed me three-fold during the Easter weekend, and now I am experiencing the comedown, which is only natural, as life is cyclical. That, and it's back to work.
But this comedown is intense - the apathy is strong. I hate sobriety. Sobriety can be a very lonely place to be. I know people in the program who have squads, but who knows how genuine those friendships really are, or how consistent their connections are. I no longer concern myself with the in-crowd in the rooms. I'm turning 40 in two days, I have no energy left to go back to high school neuroses. When I packed up my room when it was time to move two weeks ago, I saw so many real pictures. Pictures that told a real story, that weren't forced with fake tooth-filled smiles (I have always wondered what is so hilarious during photo ops). They were pure pictures of real friends who had been together for years and stood the test of time.
I also haven't had a boyfriend in almost 5 years. I very rarely was without a boyfriend pre-sobriety. A part of that is because it was easier for me to talk to the opposite sex when I had a social lubricant, another reason is that my social circle was a bit bigger and I was going out and not hitting the sack at 10 pm, and I was also considerably younger. But the biggest reason I think was that I was wasting my time trying to have relationships within the fellowship. Two unrecovered addicts trying to "work" a program, attempting to form a connection. No wonder they all bursted into flames - but the worst was seeing two of those connections move on to form "relationships" with someone else in the rooms. That, my friends, is the textbook definition of "salt in the wound".
But it's just a moment. a thousand days to people is one day to God, so really, I need not fret (as Jesus tells us repeatedly to not do). But despite my poor judgement in the fellowship, and the lack of networking outside of it, I did manage to secure a couple of relationships spanning from late summer until early winter, but they crashed and burned really fast and I am still blocked from both people. And both tore me to shreds before blocking me, so that I couldn't even reply to their accusations.
But it's not just the loneliness that I have been plagued with in sobriety, it is also the longing for the person who I was - the person who read award winning novels and who drew inspiration from those, rather than from New Age or Occult or Christian texts. I miss that girl who wasn't so desperate to think right and talk right and turn the other cheek. I miss the girl who fought for what I believed in and who didn't stay quiet in order to not offend people who I believed were intricate pieces to my spiritual growth and sobriety.
I didn't just walk away from alcohol, I abandoned a piece of myself.
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