Ballet, God, and me

I did pointe work for the first time last night. The pain was almost unbearable.  I am not sure that I will be able to do it.  I am going to try taping my toes next week (I already have "ouch pads" for my big toes), and maybe once my shoes break in, I get some muscle memory, and generally stronger, I will feel less defeated.

The studio where I am studying rents from an Anglican church.  It is a building that is attached to the church, and is a legitimate studio, with sprung hardwood floors, mirrors, and a barre that is drilled into the wall, but it is still church property.  As a result, there is religious detailing.  It just so happened that my pointe work was directly done under a crucifix.  I drew tremendous strength from that, I was in so much pain I didn't know if I could go on, and I wasn't sure if the distress that I was experiencing was normal.  I felt very alone, agéd, and confused, but I didn't want to give up.

I looked at the crucifix above me.  Jesus went through pain for others.  I am one of those others, and everything in my life I owe thanks to God.  In this age of "progress", it seems strange that I value God more than myself, however it goes both ways, for these topics of the divine is the only thing that makes my life make sense.  The mysteries of faith fuel me, uplift me, and in return, I hope that I may uplift others as well.

Starting pointe at 32 - to me, that is a miracle.  Starting pointe for the first time in front of a crucifix, that is a miracle.  In having faith in love and in God, and thus in myself, I gathered strength to do one more relevé, one more échappé.  I even stayed an extra forty-five minutes after class, into a TA's private lesson.  I stretched, recovered from my emotional ride, and got to cuddle with the church cat (a puffect black halloween cat), who laid on my chest as I did side splits against the wall.

I didn't even want to go to class after work, I was so depressed and I am not having the smoothest transition into my RAD training.  But now I feel like a warrior.

But other times, my life feels so erratic.  I do have a history of going full-force into a few different activities at once, and then not having much rest as a result.  These days, I am doing my best to keep myself in place and not as scattered - to recognize what I really want to do, and to accept that some things just have to wait.

I am better at focussing now.  Everything that I work on all relates to each other, and though there is so much that I want to do still, I am so grateful that what I can manage in a week all helps me in my efforts to live a peaceful existence, which is the only thing that I think really matters.

Ballet has (unintentionally) helped me to understand the Trinity, for it is a science that involves triangles (retiré, cou-de-pied), and crosses (en croix and croisé), the school of yoga that I practice is called "the yoga of (tri)angles", and I am becoming a teacher in the church and so I do not feel like my first choice of reading (anything of the church) is fruitless.  Everything is connected.

Everything is coming together, but it can be hard to believe that I am on the right path.  No man is an island, and I need all the help and compassion that I can get in this world.