My Sat Nam

After not being able to forgive a transgression made against me in January, thereby causing more pain knowing that I could not live out my faith and so causing me to question my place in the Church, and then coupled with entering AA that same month, where we truly need to come to an understanding about a higher power, I have without any effort returned to my Sat Nam. And this time, I know that it's for real.

As written in my March blog, "Sat Nam" means "My Name is Truth". Today, this means more than it has in the 8 years that I have practiced kundalini yoga. After much ups and downs and hurt feelings with my faith the past half a year, I have realized that I can not longer pledge allegiance to any man-made institution. As mentioned in my last blog, I will no longer tolerate the intolerance that I harboured, or the belittlement of the parisher. And yes, letting go of the fear was tough, and I was depressed all last week. I have been preparing for this moment for a long time though, and it feels good because I never felt settled about leaving yoga after receiving my teaching certificate in 2009.

What I love about Sat Nam is that I know I am Truth, and also that my name, Carly, means "woman". I am a woman, and that is all I really know. After struggling with my womanhood my entire life, I can now with confidence exclaim my truth. I truly believe that I will never falsely align with another's truth again; and though peer pressure never ends, I will not adhere to another's spiritual or doctrinal's truth. That means that I must stay strong and stand up for myself. 

Now that I recognize and honour my truth, I am prepared to go inside and confront my shadows so that they may be released. I believe that only kundalini yoga can help me achieve this, because when I first got sober 2 years ago, I experience such a fierce shadow that I left the class in tears and did not return to it. Now I am sober again, and I am desperate o be relieved of this pain that holds me back and hurts my relationship. Yes, desperate.

I still have fear, but it's about being physically or mentally uncomfortable, not about being rejected at the Pearly Gates. Besides, Saint Peter doesn't hold the key to the kingdom of God, we hold the key ourselves. Even Jesus said, "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you." (And I have used a Catholic Bible translation). I will do my best to not be sucked in to any doctrines, to not be too influenced by even the greatest of teachers, and to not become some crazed New Age yogi while I'm at it. All I want is to get better, to be the best me that I can be, and to live my own truth.

My new higher Power

I have decided to turn AA into my higher power, in that I have decided, I believe on my own free accord, and possibly with God's blessing, to completely surrender, thereby truly accepting Step 1.

I knew my life was unmanageable, which brought me into my first meeting on January 3, 2012, but I did not feel defeated. Today, I feel utterly beaten down. But I do not feel hopeless.

I have suffered, and I no longer believe that I deserve it, as the Church would have me believe (and I suppose why it gives zero tools on how to heal, other than the sacraments, and I know how well those work...).  

For three years I dutifully attended Mass at least once a week. And yes, up until January when I entered AA which is a spiritual program, and became estranged from my mother due to my inability to forgive her for her transgressions, thereby spinning my faith into a cyclone, I have struggled with what to do.

But now I feel more directed, because what I do know is even believing that Jesus broke my curses, even taking communion, even going to confession, I was not healing. In fact, I was getting worse. I was full of fear and hatred toward anyone who wasn't Christian - even my own friends, and the Eucharist could not stop my binge drinking and weed smoking, nor provide a sense of peace: I still was popping benzodiazepines. 

Today, I am sober, I am not smoking cigarettes, and I am not taking tranquilizers. I can analyze everything until my last breath, but one of my favourite quotes is, "All we can do is make the best decisions we can, based on the information at hand." My actions make me believe that I am on the right path.

And today, I can stick up for myself, and not through fighting; rather, by walking away with ease. I simply don't need everyone to like me, also something that I learnt is people will talk even if they appear friendly. Now, I am not being a martyr; I was truly fake in my personality. I thought I was a good person, but really, I only associated with the wrong people because I myself was wrong, and so, in a vain sense of self-righteousness, I tried to lift up people who were not only none of my business, but who in actuality drained me, distracted me, and insulted me behind my back.

I do believe that God has given me AA which has been providing me with the information and help that the Church wouldn't, or couldn't, afford me. All I really know for sure is that I am confident enough to get better now, and the Church is really not helping me whatsoever. Thankfully, I am growing as spiritually strong as ever through AA, in fact I am healthier than I have ever been, and this actually feels so strange, I often want to run from it. I am simply not used to being this pure and genuine. I am not polluting my body (other than eating fast food, and that will go next) and I am constantly looking at my actions, owning up to my mistakes, "taking inventory" (Step 4), and being honest about my past so that I may have a better present. 

I always wanted to be of service: first I strived to achieve this in yoga, and then through spreading the Gospels in Catholicism. But looking back, all I did was alienate myself and others; it was always choosing sides - me verses them. I now believe that it is about impossible for anyone to be spiritually influential; in a very sick world; it only looks fake, deluded, and self-righteous. But now that I admit that I too am sick, and no longer try to hide it, I am getting stronger, because it is only through admission that we can start over. Now, I can be of service to anyone who does want to get better (and not through promotion, which I believe to be the number one deal-breaker, but rather through attraction [Tradition 11]), because I know I'm not the only one who has a long history of drinking, drugging, and begging to find sobriety.

All that said, I do not "reach out" to people or try to help them anymore, however I am much more positive, and yes I do hope to help others get better if I can. I might still be making mistakes along the way, but I also do not feel a sense of authority anymore that my former institutions granted me, which often put me on power trips that made me hard to identify with. I realize now that nothing that I have done in the past 8 years has stopped any injustices in the world, or removed me from my own state of poverty. I'm just another mentally ill alcoholic who is starting to do a good job at putting my life in order, and who is finally finding peace and confidence. And that, for me, is just wonderful :)