My Sat Nam

After not being able to forgive a transgression made against me in January, thereby causing more pain knowing that I could not live out my faith and so causing me to question my place in the Church, and then coupled with entering AA that same month, where we truly need to come to an understanding about a higher power, I have without any effort returned to my Sat Nam. And this time, I know that it's for real.

As written in my March blog, "Sat Nam" means "My Name is Truth". Today, this means more than it has in the 8 years that I have practiced kundalini yoga. After much ups and downs and hurt feelings with my faith the past half a year, I have realized that I can not longer pledge allegiance to any man-made institution. As mentioned in my last blog, I will no longer tolerate the intolerance that I harboured, or the belittlement of the parisher. And yes, letting go of the fear was tough, and I was depressed all last week. I have been preparing for this moment for a long time though, and it feels good because I never felt settled about leaving yoga after receiving my teaching certificate in 2009.

What I love about Sat Nam is that I know I am Truth, and also that my name, Carly, means "woman". I am a woman, and that is all I really know. After struggling with my womanhood my entire life, I can now with confidence exclaim my truth. I truly believe that I will never falsely align with another's truth again; and though peer pressure never ends, I will not adhere to another's spiritual or doctrinal's truth. That means that I must stay strong and stand up for myself. 

Now that I recognize and honour my truth, I am prepared to go inside and confront my shadows so that they may be released. I believe that only kundalini yoga can help me achieve this, because when I first got sober 2 years ago, I experience such a fierce shadow that I left the class in tears and did not return to it. Now I am sober again, and I am desperate o be relieved of this pain that holds me back and hurts my relationship. Yes, desperate.

I still have fear, but it's about being physically or mentally uncomfortable, not about being rejected at the Pearly Gates. Besides, Saint Peter doesn't hold the key to the kingdom of God, we hold the key ourselves. Even Jesus said, "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you." (And I have used a Catholic Bible translation). I will do my best to not be sucked in to any doctrines, to not be too influenced by even the greatest of teachers, and to not become some crazed New Age yogi while I'm at it. All I want is to get better, to be the best me that I can be, and to live my own truth.