RIP Hotmail

Fraser, 

I just logged onto Hotmail for the first time since I heard about your passing, just doing my intermediate inbox cleanup, and for a moment I think I thought my usual thought, "I don't want to sign off right away in case Fraser's online". 

I could not believe when I got onto the actual program on Friday from my home computer, that I gave one last shot to sign in to. All I had to do was actually look at it to see that the only reason why I couldn't login, was because of an old password being the default. I now could see that there weren't enough digits. I couldn't select it, but I clicked sign on anyway. Once the login failed, I was then able to select the password and enter the updated one. And I logged on. And my heart sank. 

I would have kept that damn program logged in 24/7, just for the times that you were online and decided to message me. I have been signing into MSN since 2009, even though everyone abandoned it to use Facebook. You were my only friend who did not have a cell phone or a Facebook account. And I hated both but I had both. And I admired you for not falling for this bullshit that is destroying our society, but which I am now completely immersed in. 

I resented you the past year, because all you ever wrote was "nb" or "nb, u?". It was like talking to a wall. I even tried to uninstall it from my home computer, because it keeps showing every time I boot up my computer, and I have to close it. But I couldn't find it in the "uninstall" section, because once again, I didn't look hard enough to see it was in the Microsoft file. I'm glad I didn't uninstall it now, but I don't want to see it pop up anymore.

I think I am done with Hotmail. 

I looked at my phone last night, and thought about calling you. I believe you have an automated message now, but just in case, I wanted to hear your voice. But I was worried that your family would be there, or even that they might have forwarded the calls to their own phone line, and then I would have been embarrassed. I remember I really liked your old greeting, it was geeky and that made it awesome, because it was natural. 

So speaking of calling, I'm glad that you also made the effort to keep in contact with me over the years. Back when you and Stephanie moved in together, I stopped calling, because I wouldn't want a girl calling for my live-in partner, so I didn't want to do that in turn. But we still got to talk and hang out often, so thanks  :)

We were pretty good friends. I spoke to your dad on Saturday, and he told me how difficult it was and how sick you were the past few months. That was the time when you started calling me again as well, and we talked about grabbing a coffee. Now I think that it wasn't really going to happen, but I am sorry I never followed up with that. I felt a little guilty when your dad told me. Here I am crying to him what a good friend you were, and yet I didn't even know that you were suffering. And while I felt rejected by you the past year, and resented you because I had invited you out when you didn't have plans, and you didn't do the same for me, I also didn't know in part because I avoided you, because it was hard for me to see you the way that you were. And I didn't suspect that you were sick, I just thought you needed a new routine to regain your muscle mass. Why didn't you tell me that cancer was eating you alive?

Yesterday was a good day for me. It was sunny and somewhat warm after two straight weeks of overcast and flurries. I got to express my loss to a couple of people who are close to me at the women's meeting, and I smiled often throughout the day. Ballet went really well, and my friend bought me a bagel and a drink in between sessions. I felt like a positive presence in my evening meeting, and I suppose bringing left-over donuts that someone let me have from the women's meeting had something to do with that  :)

I was about to log off Hotmail, but wanted to check out at least one email from you before doing so. The most recent one was a year ago from a birthday greeting. You wrote that you knew we hadn't talked much lately, but that you hoped I have a great birthday. I just realized now that you sent it right on my birthday. And you know what, I didn't even appreciate it. All I was thinking about was, no one was posting "Happy Birthday" on my wall on Facebook. Meanwhile, I have a real friend remembering me, and I was just like, "Thanks".

Fuck man, maybe I am just tormenting myself now. You really were my best friend and I had resented you for having been so distant. Even unto death you were. I just went back into my inbox, and saw that I sent you an email back in 2011 titled, "C ya". We had that fight, and I said I had stresses and how I felt you contributed, and I told you to have a nice life. And another, the most recent, June 8th, four days after my dad nearly died. I asked if you were still on MSN.

I am just grateful to you for reconciling with me. I have been learning a lot lately, and I am ashamed at my selfishness. How could I have told you to have a nice life? I guess I didn't realize that it could be possible that a year and a half later not only would it not be nice, but that it would be over.