Six years ago last night, I went on my last drinking binge. And last night as I prepared for service work in the program of recovery that through grace and works gave me my sobriety, a man who has been a cornerstone in my journey, but who is a veteran of the program and so I don't really fellowship with, approached me as I entered an empty church basement, wet and shaking off lots of snow.
Stuck in my mind, partly lamenting recent decisions made, partly fearful of new opportunities, and most definitely reminiscing of last winter as this first snowfall reminded me of a place in space and time that I wished to return, he said seemingly out of nowhere, "We always want more. It was only until I learned to say 'Thank you' that I began to get better!"
From God's lips to my ears.
In my instinctive nature of defiance, which is a hallmark of an addict, I thought, "Where on Earth did that come from, and no, that is totally not what is going on right now." Until I realized, hey wait a minute, it is entirely what is going on here. And I had a breakthrough epiphany of what authentic gratitude really is, and why modern psychology is suggesting it is even a key to physical health.
When I first got sober it was suggested that I write a gratitude list everyday. And this has been a great tool because it helped to rewire my brain. The result is I would be able to immediately find a silver lining in any disappointment that would ensue, and is a skill that I still have even though I no longer actively write gratitude lists.
But when I was a little over a year sober and had my first heartache, which was amplified even more by not being able to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, it was suggested I could say "Thank you" for the time that I did have with this person. I felt dismissed. Did my then-mentor not understand how much anguish I was in? I needed to figure this out and get this person back, not accept it and let it go. I didn't even know about the problem of control I had and how it was the root of most of my troubles. I was still trying to run the show.
As the years went by I learnt more about the program, how to work it, and how to see that its application wouldn't actually diminish me as a person, but rather reinstate and strengthen me. And this past half year I've been learning more about gratitude and the principle of coming from a place of sufficiency, not of lack, which has always been my Achilles heel.
The miracle that happened last night was I realized true peace and happiness does in fact come from thanking God, even if it's for something we no longer have. I am not asked to thank God for a painful experience in the present, but I can thank Him for an enjoyable experience in the past that I am grateful for, and that can be used as a measuring stick for how I want to go about moving forward.
Why do I always need more? Perhaps the answer to this would be the cure itself. In the meantime, there is no quick fix to a broken dream, a wounded heart, or a misfired mind, but knowing how to be grateful is a huge load off, and that is the entire point - to release the heavy baggage that we carry on our way back home.
Stuck in my mind, partly lamenting recent decisions made, partly fearful of new opportunities, and most definitely reminiscing of last winter as this first snowfall reminded me of a place in space and time that I wished to return, he said seemingly out of nowhere, "We always want more. It was only until I learned to say 'Thank you' that I began to get better!"
From God's lips to my ears.
In my instinctive nature of defiance, which is a hallmark of an addict, I thought, "Where on Earth did that come from, and no, that is totally not what is going on right now." Until I realized, hey wait a minute, it is entirely what is going on here. And I had a breakthrough epiphany of what authentic gratitude really is, and why modern psychology is suggesting it is even a key to physical health.
When I first got sober it was suggested that I write a gratitude list everyday. And this has been a great tool because it helped to rewire my brain. The result is I would be able to immediately find a silver lining in any disappointment that would ensue, and is a skill that I still have even though I no longer actively write gratitude lists.
But when I was a little over a year sober and had my first heartache, which was amplified even more by not being able to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, it was suggested I could say "Thank you" for the time that I did have with this person. I felt dismissed. Did my then-mentor not understand how much anguish I was in? I needed to figure this out and get this person back, not accept it and let it go. I didn't even know about the problem of control I had and how it was the root of most of my troubles. I was still trying to run the show.
As the years went by I learnt more about the program, how to work it, and how to see that its application wouldn't actually diminish me as a person, but rather reinstate and strengthen me. And this past half year I've been learning more about gratitude and the principle of coming from a place of sufficiency, not of lack, which has always been my Achilles heel.
The miracle that happened last night was I realized true peace and happiness does in fact come from thanking God, even if it's for something we no longer have. I am not asked to thank God for a painful experience in the present, but I can thank Him for an enjoyable experience in the past that I am grateful for, and that can be used as a measuring stick for how I want to go about moving forward.
Why do I always need more? Perhaps the answer to this would be the cure itself. In the meantime, there is no quick fix to a broken dream, a wounded heart, or a misfired mind, but knowing how to be grateful is a huge load off, and that is the entire point - to release the heavy baggage that we carry on our way back home.
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