A Blazing Fire

"O sudden resurrection!
O countless blessings!
O blazing fire
in the jungle of thoughts!
Today, you arrive with laughter
to break open the jail." - Rumi

There is such a relief to accept spiritual defeat. It took years to admit that I wrestle with God, and after the most challenging month of my life, where I experienced bouts of textbook depression, I felt confident in my decision to take a step back from publically sharing my learnings and revelations, though I did for the most part continue to maintain my Facebook page, Wisdom in Christ Ministries.

But God keeps bringing me back to a blazing fire to be used as a light for those so deep in chaos and separation that there seems no exit out of the darkness. I can't seem to stay down for too long.

To be human is to err. I have discovered that all of the work and all of the intentions I can muster will invariably not always suffice. At some point I will folly for two reasons: 1) There will always be a part of me that will try to play God, and 2) I was destined to make destructive choices that, once recovered from, will transform to become a message of encouragement for others.

I think of the priests and the spiritual leaders who consistently carry the message of God and salvation, though surely there are moments of deep sin where it seems unbearable to go on - but they do. I was so wrapped up in ego that once I reached a level of honesty on my journey toward my God-given direction of regeneration, I didn't find it compatible to have a message of vindication and also be in the mire.

But what I have noticed is that times of reflection can be part of the process to being a continuous mouthpiece of God. It is in those dark nights were I rally the strength to reemerge with more hope, more understanding, and more compassion.

I know people so deep in separation from God that it really seems impossible for them to escape. They are so entangled in roots of deception that they actually believe to be saved spiritually would mean to die physically. But I know the truth, irregardless of their shortcomings, and that is those roots of deception are actually burrowed in shallow ground, and hope of a renewed life is just below the surface, ready to be resurrected.

When I have this gift of knowing God's truth, I realize that while I wore a mask for many years, that time permitted me much studying, and with that came much confidence and opportunities for even greater learnings on life's amazing mysteries.

It's hard to fathom living a life where I do not fall short of the glory of God, but with hard work and trust that times of evaluation do in fact pass, setbacks are really just impartial problems looking to be solved. It's easy for my mind to get confused, but today I know that no person trumps over me, because I am a child of God, and so is everyone else. What I have learned today is there are mistakes that we make, but with willingness, there is no sin that is permanent.

There is always help when we ask for it, whether from God or from a trusted person. A spiritual adviser, a doctor, a counselor, a family member, a best friend, a teacher...so many people are available to us to offer a different perspective, even if they don't have the solution to a problem. A second set of eyes can see a way of approaching an obstacle that can disrupt defeatist thinking, and that might be all that is needed to let the light of God come through and to make a change.