Back to basics

So now my second article of the day! Kind of a continuation of the first in a way...

Now that my schedule is changing due to the relocation of my home group in A.A. (LOVE feeling the freedom to break anonymity), I can go back to BALLET!!

Not to say I couldn't take any classes beforehand, but the advanced class on Friday was cancelled, and I am way too tired after a full-day's work to go down two or three levels, very demoralizing. I would rather have just hit a meeting or call it an early night. 

This class that I am now free to take is only one level below the most advanced that was offered at this particular studio, but just barely lower: they are pretty much the same level. I haven't danced since December, and even then I was skipping a lot. My health was in decline since September and I just kinda gave up. One person said to me that I really "blew up" (which apparently happens "as we get older"), and another person asked me if I was pregnant.

It was devastating, to be honest. I have what some would call the unhealthy personality of black-and-white thinking, perfectionist, all-or-nothing, type-a...whatever not-so-nice labels we give to people who don't fit into our molds. But yeah, sometimes I drop the ball. A lot, actually.

But I never fully gave up. I continued to educate myself on the art, I read articles and interviews, watched YouTube videos, and studied the history of famous dancers, companies, and theaters. Plus a little stretching in between chocolate bars and french fries. 

Today I am so much more realistic and practical and I think, more accurately, grateful. There is one thing in this world that I feel certain about - I was going to grow up to be an addict, and nothing that could have curbed that was going to have been permitted in my life. 

I had, and still have, all of the markings of a professional ballet dancer - long limbs, short torso, long neck, big personality, and solider-like discipline. But if my dream had manifested, if I had made it into a company, my disease in turn would have never manifested to the point that I would have found my way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and consequently break my family curse. 

Today, I am okay with where I'm at, for the most part. I have a mentor who teaches me about this ancient art, my craft, and I have a safe place to go and to fail, with some moments of triumph, however fleeting those might be. Ballet isn't about achieving an end-goal, it is about working toward an ideal - it is life. As my teacher says, ballet is a cruel mistress, but how I love her.