The past couple of days I have been feeling extremely drained and existential. I haven't been happy with the lot assigned to me, and I began to question my actions, or more accurately, inactions. While the final verdict is to get outside into nature, I am today feeling much more confident and am feeling restored. The messages that I am receiving today are clearly telling me that all is well. I have overcome obstacles, and though they were magnified with a now seven day stretch of insomnia like I have never had before, and going on the 5th or 6th day of overcast and some rain, I have emerged victorious. As Saint Paul said, I have finished the race. Technically, he is talking about his imminent martyrship, but for me, I stayed the course this week. I was told all last week to keep my focus, not knowing that a big part of it meant to put one foot in front of the other this week, and to try my best to do it with a smile.
Another important lesson is to stay loyal. One of the things that I have been struggling with this week has been feeling a little confused about where my allegiances lie. Again, the answer returns to where are my talents, and to be confident in where I fit in. I have a few new role models this week, and one of the reasons why they are my inspiration, is because they never waiver, even when it makes them uncomfortable. This is my ultimate goal I think - to find my calling and to stay true to it. God has been reaffirmed in my life, a major revelation inspired by some people around me, who I chose to listen to, because I chose to place myself in the background during this vulnerable time. And I mean really reinstated, to the point of physical action.
Action is the solution to my problems because my problems arise from my actions. That solution is to respect a certain code of conduct. After being knocked down from the problem of disrespecting boundaries, I have been beaten into a state of reasonableness. Sadly for me, this is how I tend to be disciplined, but I have come to understand, which was really brought home last night, I don't need to keep fighting: I need only to accept when I truly have no power, and therefore no control over certain circumstances. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote that if we connect freedom to things that are outside of ourselves, we will suffer, but if we stay within our own power, which does not even include our own bodies, and this can be demonstrated through horrible illnesses and diseases, we will not have one single enemy (2).
Humility is the backbone to right living. "Humility", I think, is the most widely misunderstood word in the English language, which I have spent, without exaggeration, years meditating and reflecting on, and still cannot report with complete confidence or support what it means. But so far my new understanding of it, which was passed onto me on New Years Eve by a very young man who resembled, no fooling, Jesus, told my friend and I that the root word (always go back to the root word, I am SO surprised with myself that I didn't) means "ground". Currently, I interpret humility to mean "levelled", to be equal to others.
In placing myself on even-ground, earth-bound, there is a sort of rebirth that I have experienced, and it has liberated me. As Bill Wilson wrote, there is a degree of perfection that God has created for us, and it is when we, through our misguided will power, stray from what God has intended, and instead try to choose for ourselves what we think we should have or do (65). Only through humility can I resist the urges to infringe on the autonomy of others: trespasses committed when I step out of my degree of perfection in defiance.
What relief there is when I can recognize both what ails me and what heals me. And better yet, when I can do something about it. My inner voice is much more clear, and my thoughts, which lead to my actions, are much more natural and positive. Now that I have been reborn and set on the straight path, I am keeping the confidence to stay connected to my route, because I know all too well how easily I can move off-course. The key is to have the appropriate role models, and to remain loyal to my vision, to what I have been working toward for years. My vision is to keep optimal health to my own personal trinity - body, mind, and spirit. I do this by staying true to the activities that work for me, to keeping the course, to continuing to move forward, no matter how dissuaded I might become.
Truth is not subjective, while it is fun to interpret, there is an order, a pattern, a degree that is set by nature and it cannot be manipulated. Once I can appreciate where I belong, where I fit into that arrangement, I can be a person who respects both myself and others, and in so be open to receive the serenity that I pray for.
In God's mosaic, everyone has a place and a purpose to be honoured, and it is in that design where we are utterly free and beloved.
In God's mosaic, everyone has a place and a purpose to be honoured, and it is in that design where we are utterly free and beloved.
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