I won't be posting this article on my Facebook page, as I will be discussing Alcoholics Anonymous, and while I feel like a lousy, unproductive member, I care deeply for, and honour the Twelve Traditions, and show this in keeping with anonymity at the level of press. I do not use my last name on this blog, which is intentional for the purpose of charting my process in the program. And this is part of the sacrifice, because I love to showcase my writing. But I must remember it is only now by the confidence that I am gaining through the program and fellowship where I am able to share my work, even though this blog is now 7 years old.
I was very excited about last night's meeting, for a couple of reasons. We were starting right from the beginning of a new chapter, and I haven't been consistent with this particular meeting, so I felt like I was getting a fresh start, but mostly it was because of the celestial event of the very rare, super, blood, blue moon that was occurring. I prepared for this moon for a full week, and I really thought I was going to have a rock-solid meeting and be so energetic and inspire people, and be connected and all those wonderful (natural) highs that can happen in meetings. But NOPE, it was the complete opposite, which is too funny and I really should have seen coming.
I felt totally disconnected, uninspired, uninspiring, and even slightly irritated. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of what happened in the meeting, out of respect, but let's just say it was definitely a full-moon! And yeah, I still had a great meeting and ended up connecting with someone by the end, but I felt so useless! I didn't even share, which is so unusual for me, especially since I love to hear myself talk. I didn't share because I felt I had nothing to share. We were reading from "Working With Others", a chapter devoted entirely to Step Twelve. I am not working with anyone right now. If you ask a couple of people, one or two might say I'm their sponsor, but really, there's no communication. There are various reasons that, since involve other people, I won't write about.
Last night I actually felt guilty, which is so toxic, especially for us of the alcoholic type, but I need to, without making excuses, respect my limits. I knew I was going to be going into a Step Twelve discussion, and as I was preparing to leave for the meeting, I thought about all of the women I know who work with so many others, who new members seek out, and how that's not the case with me. But I have an amazing sponsor, one of the most solid people I know in the program, and so that's where I draw strength from. Someone was very rude to me a while back, because I drew the line in trying to help a member who for well over a year couldn't stop drinking, and this has bothered me, because I don't like feeling judged or being made to second-guess myself.
But Christ is my Lord and my example, and this person, no matter what their talk is, is not. Every time I want to pick up a drink, I think about the time where Christ showed himself to me, and I just can't let him down again. He is my rock, and he is the one I answer to: it is his path that I follow. Jesus came only for the lost sheep of the house of Israel, and even then, he spoke in parables so as to not throw pearls before swine. I can only help those who want to help themselves, and if I can get sober, so can they. For me, there are no excuses as to why someone cannot be successful in the program, and I maintain my right to establish healthy boundaries, and to value my time and energy.
And to be able to do so is a gift of the program. When I first entered A.A., I listened to people (mostly women) talk about "boundaries", and truly, I had no idea what they were talking about. I knew I was codependent and irrational, but I couldn't even fathom what healthy interaction with another person was. I couldn't imagine that I would ever learn how to set boundaries.
Well, life is a great teacher, and the inappropriate behaviour of others in places where it could not be ignored or dismissed would teach me how to set those boundaries, because by the grace of God I met a woman who walked me through it. Much of my insecurities and codependency has been healed in me through establishing, and continually maintaining, those boundaries.
There is such a thing as healthy giving, and I know when I can help, and when I can't. For now, I help others by being kind and attentive, and by keeping my shares solely to the reading taking place, and my alcoholism, nothing else. There is so much more to the program than helping every single last person I meet in the rooms, there is service of other natures, such as administration which I am currently in, and cleaning up, which I do at my home group.
Today I have confidence, I can with relative ease walk into a room without panicking beforehand, and I am settling in nicely with my talents. This is in large part because I have learnt how to give within reason. It's so important for me to not be pressured to be a certain way in the program, because I can't afford to let other people have a say in my recovery. Today I am so proud of the progress that I have made in self-respect, and yes, when the student is ready, I will be prepared to teach.
"Caretaking and compulsive giving don't
work. I choose what I want to give,
to whom, when, and how much."
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