Safe and protected

I was in Valentine's Day hell yesterday, and since it involves another person, I will not divulge but simply leave it at that, because that is not really relevant, anyway, it was merely a mirror that today I am so grateful for having seen clarity through. 

Last night was the apex of what had been building up for months, and I felt like my entire, and I mean entire, world came crashing down. I felt devastated. I didn't want to drink, but I realized that I had, completely unwittingly, planned and executed my release from Alcoholics Anonymous. And frankly, I was pleased with that. I considered different forms of treatment, and I felt resolved.

In Alcoholics Anonymous we call problems not relating to alcohol, mostly different forms of mental illnesses, "outside issues". I am a member who suffers from one of these "outside issues", and I suspect is a factor in my anarchist tendencies regarding resistance to literature and tradition within the fellowship. The program simply cannot work as effectively on me as it can others, and this is a fact that is legitimate and needs and deserves to be honoured.

At the end of my work day yesterday I was entering the office after a kerfuffle at my mechanics, and they were having a little Valentine's party (avec wine) in the conference room, which was very lovely though I was super grateful that my work of the day was done - I simply had to grab my left-over lunch from my desk and take it to the kitchen. But I dropped a plate as I scurried past the party, and one of the guy's yelled out, "Oh sure destroy the place!". He generally speaks VERY loudly, and is actually my favourite coworker, though I work in the front and am not in much contact with the others, but I was so pissed off in general and then I made a mess, so that definitely was not helping. I didn't even respond or pause, I kept walking because my hands were too full to pick it up anyway. Someone was kind enough to get up and bring the dish to the kitchen, and it was one of those quintessential acts of kindness that makes such a big difference. 

Having dropped that plate, and my coworker saying that, was such an awesome "remember when", because that would have been me - shouting out stupid things that only aggravate people. Then I went home and thought about Canada's new marijuana law coming in July this year. I recalled how I have often wanted to take a few puffs when I am on the brink of relapse, how it would calm me down, and how it has nothing to do with alcohol and is therefore nobody's business. But the times I came close to getting some, I backed down, mostly because I don't trust the person who I would be getting it from. I think I would always feel the shame of "will that come out", as I continue on my journey in A.A.

But with pot becoming legal soon, we will also be able to grow our own plants. I can have an endless supply and no one will EVER know!! Not only will no one know, I'll get to feel closer to the universe, as weed always made me feel more creative. It's PERFECT!

Then reason and logic kicked in. And they kicked in through the power of God, so never say to me that science is in opposition with faith (people who act scientifically superior probably couldn't solve a basic formula, anyway). Reason told me that the weed will hurt my lungs, make me lethargic, make me smell bad, give me a horrible night sleep, agitate my "outside issue", and give me a headache when I wake up. Then logic told me that I don't need anything to be connected to nature or my creativity, and then God told me that He is with me even in mundanity, in fact He is with me the strongest when I am simply toiling away at my daily duties. 

My fire dragon, which I am now certain is my personal spirit guide, is staying extra close to me right now as I readjust to a new phase in my recovery. He burns the lower energies that tell me I am inadequate and incomplete, and then creates a fiery wall of protection where I may refuel, encouraging me to go on and remain inspired. The Christos strengthens me as I move further into life, that which there is conflict, is also where truth and conviction draw courage from.

One day at a time has a whole new meaning for me today, and today, I am okay.