In really listening in today's meeting, since I forgot my book and there were no extras, and because I am trying to practice humility and think of others before myself, I really absorbed the shares, and I actually learned something. The common denominator in all of the experiences about the psychic change, was a moment of darkness, and then an intuitive thought.
And I realized that what I thought for the past nearly two and a half years to be my spiritual experience wasn't in fact that, but rather it was the shift into real sobriety where I became willing to have a psychic change. I understood what was needed of me, for the first time, after great enthusiasm and then two relapses, and so there was a special "ah-ha!" moment, but no, my psychic change was in actuality six months into recovery.
Another way that I know, is that the next morning, the program itself became my higher power, which I interpret today to be the "God-consciousness" as so called in the Spiritual Experience endnotes. Though I was praying to God when I had my intuitive thought, and so it's not as though I didn't have God, I put all of my faith into the program actually saving my life, and soon after I did a real fourth and fifth, thereby solidifying my relationship with my sponsor, which truly became the backbone of my recovery; my refuge every time I wanted to give up, until I could stand on my own.
To have taken that leap of faith into the program was terrifying, but that next morning after my experience, I knew that I was a goner, and I knew that A.A. was the only path to true freedom from the bondage of self, of which I would soon learn to be the root of every defect and every hurt, and every disappointment that has ever happened. This is why I say that the program was my higher power, because of that blind faith that it was going to work, and so I was going all in. After testing the waters, for nearly two full years, it wasn't too hard to take the plunge, because I knew it worked, I saw it all around me at meetings.
Today I am so grateful to have a fellowship to have grown up amongst. Everything in my life I have earned through works that would not have been possible without having been given very specific tools in the program, with very basic instructions. My spiritual experience is more concrete now. We all have the same solution, therefore our psychic changes will most likely be of the same nature, as well. Just as Bill W. went from desperation to alleviation in a moment, so too did I, and others. It is great to be able to quantify this experience, so that others might come to believe, and achieve. Amen.
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