I recognize that the root of my disease is selfishness and self-centeredness, and after last week, I have been really trying to think more of others. One the other hand, I am feeling much more comfortable, after a little over two and a half years of sobriety, I feel like I am "coming around", but there's that selfishness that I am really seeing now. On the one hand, I love that I am not as insecure and people pleasing (co-dependent) as I have become in adulthood, but I also want to contribute to life, and I really think we do that through being selfless. I know that I have the natural gift of uplifting others, and I am reminded of that by the heavens every so often, such as when an old-timer told me yesterday how she needed my smile, in her grieving from her sponsee passing away.
This morning I awoke to a message from an old friend, who I let go of in my sickness. Her father passed this weekend, I didn't even know he was sick, but in her group message she said to the girls, "Thank you all for your support over the years while I was dealing with his illness." I wanted to throw up. I didn't even know he was sick.
I remember one of my last, if not my last drunk, I was texting her saying how much I needed her. I had no idea she was suffering, I just thought, "She's not a good friend, she hasn't followed up with me..." I was nothing but selfish since we were teenagers, trying to manage both of our lives, and getting upset with her when she didn't run hers the way I wanted. In fact, that was the exact reason why we fell apart in the first place.
After being shocked, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that I said my prayers before I checked my phone. And as I proceeded on my day, I was resolved to think about others. I was very stressed out for I had a quiz in a class that I am failing, and I consequently wasn't doing well in class today, in anticipation of it. The class itself was just hard, I think. The prof even told us to wake up at one point, and I thought shortly after that, is he also not okay? I realized he wasn't really as energetic and joking around as much, either.
He gave us our quiz at the end of the class, and I did more than okay on it. As I was leaving, one of my classmates behind me was stuck in her quiz, I was really surprised, as I took math and economics with her last semester, and she was fine. I gave her a little "You know this!" on my way out. Then in the washroom, I heard one of the international students talking to another student, something about wanting to leave. I wasn't sure if she was referring to the program, or where she is living, but ever since I recently found out that she is here on her own from overseas, I've tried to pay more attention to her. I thought she just didn't like me for the longest time, but now I know she is just shy.
I said to her, "Don't give up!", and as I went into the stall, I thought, wow, what a change from this morning. When did I become such a cheerleader? And I realized, we are ALL stressed out! It's NOT just me. Thinking that I am on my own, that I'm the only one who is struggling, that I am the only one who is stressed out and who wants out, that is all just my self-absorption once again: it's not reality.
I thank God for showing me the Truth today, for helping me to see the real from the fake. It's not about me, and I can get out of a funk just by asking someone how they are! We are all sick in one way or another, and sometimes all we need to heal is to be recognized for a moment. I finally have the solution to my problem of alienation.
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