Lenten Challenge

I have been resistant to a lot of things lately, but mostly on the topic of sin. Not only was I having problems with the language, but also with the precepts. Maybe I'm not bad, maybe I just didn't know any better and my behaviours were simply a result of ignorance that can be corrected with knowledge and will power.

But as we begin the season of Lent today, I surrendered to the idea that sinning is really just a result of being fallen, and we don't have to be emotional about it. As much as I wanted to change and interpret that world as beautiful with a bounty that is mine for the taking, the proof is evident: I myself am fallen.

Instead of accepting that I am in fact in a continuous war to conscientiously and oftentimes with great effort make healthy choices, I rejected everything that I came from. I cited trauma, addiction, and a post-recession economy for all of my troubles, and all I had to do was understand these things so that I could conquer them all with a solid plan. All of this as I moved further and further away from Christ. First by not attending mass, then by not praying the rosary, then by not even really considering Jesus at all.

But today I thought of my parents, the way they raised me, the respect I realized I have for them and the sacrifices that they made to bring me up. And I thought about their parents, and their parents parents, and I sincerely wondered, what is so bad? I'm a solider. And instead of trying to change who I am and what I've done, I surrendered to it. I'm good at being who I am, and I am not interested in being anyone else or a fabricated personification of pop culture. Ultimately, all I want is to be more thoughtful and resistive. The rest will follow.

I was infused with a new appreciation for life, with simply being alive. For the first time, that was enough. And I felt convicted of sin. All of the choices that I made that brought me to a state of utter defeat. But again, it's not about being bad - it brought me closer to God. And it prepared me for Lent. It is a huge relief to know that I can forever turn to God, my timing in this case just so had to be quite perfect which makes it a bit easier.

The video linked below is a solid reference for the three pillars of Lent: fasting, prayer, and almsgiving. The one thing I have never been able to really do is fast. I was not intending to fast, but after my surrender today, and the timing, I decided to try it. It is still hard to believe that I can successfully fast for the next 40 days. I have a lot of challenges regarding fasting. The premise is simple - 1/2 breakfast, 1/2 lunch, a full but modest dinner, and no snacking in between (Sundays are celebrations where we may feast), but because my diet is wonky at best, it is really hard to be both disciplined in my timing, and then also to ration it.

Then there are the fears. Will I be able to work when I'm hungry? Will I be malnourished? Will I get sick? Am I really equipt to do this - is fasting an appropriate act for someone with a borderline eating disorder?

But this is where reliance on the Church that Christ instituted is put into play. Faith without works is dead, and I chose to be a member of the Church ten years ago, nearly to the day. I remind myself, what is the worst that will happen? I've put my body through so much more pain than eating less than usual.

It always bothered me that I couldn't fast, because one of the first scripture verses that I learned was about fasting, The scene is that Jesus' disciples could not heal a child, and they were completely dejected and embarrassed:

"The disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not cast it out?'

So Jesus said to them, 'Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” (Matthew 17.19-21, NKJV)

I believe it is important to note here that many translations remove the last sentence about fasting and prayer (verse 21). I feel privileged that I know it, and am grateful to pass it on.

After watching the video linked below, I got to see the spiritual reasons for the physical act of fasting, and it really lifted me up. What struck me was that the bishop refers to sin as vices and attachments - very palatable language for me, which allowed for me to open up to the idea that maybe I am not just a victim, maybe I really do need to look at some of the choices that I make that hurt myself and others.

Then he goes on to talk about attachment and detachment as a reason for fasting. Attachments brings on an exaggerated importance, which causes the disproportionate, or misuse of will power. Fasting, however, purposely sets aside these attachments that hurt us.

Augustine of Hippo, the 4th century playboy-turned-epic saint said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O Lord.", and bishop Barron asserts that fasting allows for the deepest hunger to express itself. I will be journalling my experiences with fasting over the next forty days, and I anticipate amazing learnings, and for my hunger for healing to be satiated.