I've been doing really well with my program. It hasn't been easy - it's been nearly a full year of multiple fourth and fifth steps which are not easy because it's hard to accept that I need to let certain people go when I don't want to, and it can be humiliating to share with another person what I have done and the consequences of my actions. But by the grace of God, I don't want to continue to suffer and to continue to let that misery infiltrate into different parts of my life. It has been exhausting work, and it's been really hard to break destructive patterns, but I think that is fully acceptable.
I've been reading Hazelden's Twenty-four Hours a Day (December 13), and the past few days it's been trying to help us focus on what the fellowship is truly about. I found today's reading to be so clear and precise, and the EXACT reason why people fail, or succeed, in A.A.:
"(Fellowship) is based on a common illness, a common failure, and a common problem. It goes deep down into our personal lives and our personal needs. It requires a full opening up to each other of our inmost thoughts and most secret problems. All barriers between us are swept aside. They have to be. Then we try to help each other get well. The A.A. fellowship is based on a sincere desire to help each other get well."
WOW! Yes, and this is where we need the utmost humility and therefore trust in God. And the recognition of this life-destroying disease is why I have been doing well. Sure, I get consumed with people in the program whether because of jealousy, fear, intimidation, resentment, disappointment, and even more, I can delve into little pity-parties where I have nothing of use to share in meetings, but today I can really quickly bring it back to why I am there - I have a disease of mind and body that has affected my entire life, and I have found the solution in the rooms of A.A.
Humility is not about being humiliated, it's about believing that we will recover IF we have the capacity to be honest! People who need the program are programmed to drink, and being deprogrammed to not drink takes incredible strength, resiliency (which alcoholics intuitively are) and courage! It's not easy and there are MANY dark moments, but those who are successful are those who share about those moments, and then go on to help others who continue to suffer.
I am so grateful to be in the company of others like me - as the literature says, we who had become all-time losers. Life is about sacrifice and helping each other and lifting each other up, and we find meaning and comfort in our new lives. There is no shame in A.A., there is no shame in having a problem and at failing. There is only hope for recovery.
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