Green growth

Today my angel card readings of the immediate past, present, and future, were all directed to my studies in ballet, more so, to performance in this why-am-I-still-doing-this fine art. (Funnily enough, it's World Ballet Day).

Green was a major sign, connecting all three cards, and this was special because I have not yet had a reading where all three of the cards were connected. My immediate past was spot on too, and when we say immediate, we mean it. I am referring to last night, to returning to the studio, begrudgingly, after a two month hiatus, and after making major plans in my schedule causing this hiatus that sadly fell through, for reasons left unconcerned to you, dear reader. 

One thing that green symbolizes, other than so many wonderful and positive attributes (and has always been one of, if not my favourite, colours), is inexperience. Well, after having studied ballet for over ten years, not including in childhood, to the point of incredible growth and even to the extent of injury, I am still a novice, especially when it comes to performance. Ballet it so intense, and to have ever been a professional, I needed to have been studying it during the really formative years, in middle and high school, which I wasn't.

Still, I am grateful to have gently been brought back into ballet, because it has enriched my life, even outside of the studio. But I still get flustered in the city open classes: my flexibility is still not full, and I can't pick up choreography in one-go. I still don't dance en pointe, and I am only confident doing what I have learnt in class, which has been really just one teacher this entire time, meticulously correcting us to the point I feel confident with what I have directly learnt, but not dancing what I have seen others do. I have learnt only basic choreography, without really big jumps, and after a rotten 2017, and change in medication which caused some weight gain, I simply don't feel I have the "ballerina" body that I feel I need in order to compensate for my short-comings. 

However, I do have a good teacher, who is inspirational and who reminds us that with clean technique, we can do anything. And I do have clean technique. I have professional-level technique. In fact, I am astounded at the sloppiness that I see when I am (privileged enough) to observe company morning classes. But I have the sloppiness in my discipline instead, and this affects my flexibility, which has always been my Achilles heel. And now it affects my body image. I am not condemned to this extra five or so pounds, though. I can *easily* do more exercise, sit-ups, whatever. 

And though I feel that my inexperience and limitations are glaring, we don't get better at something unless we do it. I also remind myself of what my friend said about this time last year, when I was about to perform at an in-studio, recital (with stage fright) - very few people can do what I do. And it's true. Besides, I think Hedwig would have appreciated me dancing to her theme song.

"Present"