Trusting God

Can we be certain that God "knows" or "understands" us and our desires? Is it really safe to "Let go and let God"? This is something that I have struggled with up until this present time. With hard work and a strong support system securely in place, I have been able to loosen my overbearing need for control, and I have begun my trudge of being healed. In the past, I have been so dejected that I wanted to turn to the dark arts (supposing they actually work) so that I could manipulate situations to suit my desires - desires that I had twisted beyond recognition to appear as though they were instead needs. 

Today I do feel more confident that God knows my heart, that He knows me (my potential, my true standing), and that I am safe. Today I really believe that with a pure heart (me at my most basic core), I can never be harmed by anyone with malicious intent. This includes the judgements that I feel are placed on me. And that's okay to be judged, because I know I do it too. In fact, I believe that my tendency to judge and "project" really just stem from my seemingly innate want to control people. And today I suspect that I want to control people, because deep down, I am terrified of them. But this no longer needs to be the case. Friend or Foe? How about, another human being who probably has also been corrupted, but who perhaps can enforce more healthy (or any) coping mechanisms. 

If I am able to "let go" of what I want others to see, or what I conversely want to see, nothing matters. Nothing at all! Just "First things first": go to work, maintain the amends that I made to my family, and remember to ALWAYS be grateful for the gift of being led to a life of sobriety, a life that today is founded on restitution and re-birth. This is true recovery.

When it rains, it pours, but sometimes there was such a drought, it was necessary. I have found that things fall apart at the same time, all at once, and then they come back together, all at once. And in the calm after the storm, I see that I am better for it, so much better, on an Emotional IQ level. More compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and release, which includes the wreckage made by my own hand.

I believe that angels are real, and they communicate to me daily. Their message is to remind me to not hold on to my own plans and designs so tightly, and that when a turn happens that might begin a chapter in which I am not pleased to be the star of, it's really not so bad. God never presents a problem that there is no solution to, and today I really believe this from my core. And this, I believe, is trusting God.