Just say No

This will seem like a strange blog to most, especially since it is so different from my usual spiritual awakening/self-empowerment posts, but this, I really believe, is crucial to whoever (really, women) might find themselves in this position.

And as I mentioned in my The gifts of the Program article, I can now put up boundaries, and this was so difficult. I have heard for years about "boundaries", and it was so elusive to me that I honestly had no idea what they even WERE!

I am very active online, more so than real life. I have absolutely no problem with this, the world is digital and globalized, and information is free. The majority of my activity is in Facebook groups. Most of the real life ("IRL") people who I know use Facebook for your standard original means - to post pictures, and keep in touch with family and friends. But I came from the MySpace world, and when that site self-destructed, some of the posters moved over to start groups on Facebook, and I was fortunately added to them.

Since then I have branched off on my own, I am in just about no groups with my old MySpace peeps, and I am so active in these new groups that I have earned over 200 followers on Facebook through my participation.

And the past half year (nearly to the day) I have been truly and utterly devastated by a failed relationship, that no, I really did not apply my program to, and even for several months lied to my sponsor about. However, I nearly drank over it, which caused me an entire overhauling, where I absolutely went through the Steps really for the first time, with a phenomenal woman that is so good that I chose her, even though I have more sobriety than her. 

This sponsor taught me how to say "NO", and this morning, I had to, and it was uncomfortable. But not only did I have to do it, I had to fight the thought that I was being a "bitch". And in a sexist world, where, let's face it, most of us women have been sexually assaulted in some form, it can be REALLY hard to fight these predators. 

Yesterday a man in a group I regularly post in messaged me, I don't reply to random men who might message me, and they get filtered out, anyway. But he really got to me: I didn't even know what he looked like because his profile was private, but we connected on a "soul" level. For the first time since I was 12, Someone approached me in a really innocent way (or so I thought). At first I didn't talk to him, but he was so persistent, and I was so dejected from my ex, he kinda swept me off my feet, and by the end of my work day, I was looking forward to his messages. I am not proud of this, but this is what loneliness and rejection can do to us (me) - cause desperation. This morning he sent me a photo of himself, and he's not bad looking, really. Not that I thought we would run off into the sunset together, but I felt a bit better seeing that this guy wasn't exactly unattractive by my standards. 

At some point this morning, we got to talking about the suffocation of the Catholic Church, and the conversation turned to sex. Okay, well, the Church really does inhibit our sexuality, and I do think it's a disservice to us Catholics, but the conversation should have ended there (Really, it shouldn't have been brought up at all, but this is simply how it started).

Then he talked about orgasms. I didn't reply to that. Then he started talking about masturbation. And while it is irrelevant the tone or context of these subjects, I would in fact like to state that they were talked about in a really manipulative way - in other words, the way he approached these topics it seemed innocent and actually not invasive. But ladies, let's look at the facts. This stranger, began talking about sex, orgasms, and masturbation. Before I was healed through my program of recovery, I would have never seen this happening, or it being inappropriate. Maybe something deep down would have given me a red flag, but I know that my co-dependency would have kicked in, and I would have actually made an EFFORT to not offend him and continue engaging.

I knew that it wasn't my solution to just going to walk away from our messaging, so I had to be firm, and really, I saw it as another brick to lay in the wall in the mastery of self. He said he hoped that he wasn't being inappropriate, and I said, actually, yes he was. I then said that while I enjoyed our conversations, I was discontinuing the communication, and politely said that I would see him in the forum, with a smiley face. 

He said that he thought it was alright because we were both adults. This is an appalling response, and also devious. I did not reply, and since then he messaged me two times, trying to defend himself. I will never be messaging him back, because I set my boundaries on firm bedrock, and I will never need to cross that line again.

Ladies, it is NEVER okay for a man to talk you about sex, if it is uninvited. Something that I learnt in A.A. is that we start on the road to recovery with skewed sex histories - so much so that the majority of Step Four in the Big Book is dedicated TO SEX. (And this is true for men, as well). And I have also noticed we justify unacceptable behaviour from men, because we think that we deserve it, that we did something to warrant it. Even if we did act flirtatious, it is out RIGHT to end it, and to end it WITHOUT explanation, at that.

I cannot emphasize how important it is that we establish where we draw this line, and to not worry about hurting "feelings", and that we MUST resist wanting to "nurture" these men on the other side - even if they really don't mean any harm. (Though they probably do, through the form of control).

Thank GOD this man showed who he was and what his intentions were less than 24 hours into contact, but sometimes, it's not so clear-cut. If I did not keep a woman-based program, I am not sure I would have had the courage or strength to defend myself this morning. Please take care, please know who your real friends are, and please never stop working at defending your body, mind, and soul.