There are so many little milestones in my life to today, more recently in the past half year, that have been blessed to me in sobriety. Things that a regular person can do without blinking, would be so overwhelming to me. In psychology there is a theory of how a person handles stressful situations, called "fight or flight", and more recently a third reaction has been added on - "freeze" (though my Organizational Behaviour professor rejected this).
For me, the majority of my life has been "freeze". I was unable to even make a cup of tea, and I will never forget my aunt looking at me in bewilderment, saying all it is is boiling water. But no, that's not all it was to me. HOW many tea bags? HOW long does it steep for, WHAT type of tea pot do I use?
This is just a minor example of my inability to live a day without complete confusion and anxiety. But I have in recovery seen that God really does for me what I cannot do for myself. I have not had a regular life, and circumstances haven't been in my favour in just about every way, but I have always persevered through the help of someone or other who would have compassion and take me under their wing without this prideful lost soul even needing to ask (which I never would).
And I grew strong enough to do things which I never thought I could do on my own. I booked a flight, I found a house to rent and moved nearly my entire house on my own (though my dad helped enormously by making sure I had all of the packing materials I needed), and I just now booked my own tickets to the ballet.
And I grew strong enough to do things which I never thought I could do on my own. I booked a flight, I found a house to rent and moved nearly my entire house on my own (though my dad helped enormously by making sure I had all of the packing materials I needed), and I just now booked my own tickets to the ballet.
These might seem like nothing actions to many, but to me, they are huge, and are a wonderful testimony of my recovery in sobriety. I used to think that I couldn't do anything without a boyfriend, and that led me down very dark pathways either to complete isolation in a chronic state of freeze, or with the absolute wrong person who would disrespect me and where I would then perpetrate the vicious cycle of having no confidence.
But today I can not only manage in this life, I can actually travel through it with relative grace. I go to parties, I have coffee with friends, I introduce myself to strangers, I go for walks in nature, I love going out for dinner whereas before I was ashamed that I even needed to eat. I have acceptance of where I came from, and am so much stronger in not worrying about what might happen, or what might not happen in the future. And for the first time, the present is the present - today I'm okay.
Though yes, I still make a lousy pot of tea :)
Comments
Post a Comment