Ready to receive

Things are coming together. Slowly but surely, self-acceptance is very strong right now, and that is empowering. It was a tough winter for me given my troubles, but really, it was a tough and very long winter for everyone. The weather got nice on Monday, and people are doing much better. I would be so happy if we weren't so emotionally governed by the weather, but maybe that's how it's intended to be, as we live in an ecosystem where "no man is an island"¹

In my struggles I lost motivation, inspiration, and spirituality, but deep down I knew God had my back and I felt His divine providence from beginning to end. I have actually never been more connected to God and to others as I have been this winter, and I know that's a priceless gift, even though it felt at the time, and still feels, that it cost me more than I could afford.

But that is the fear, that is the suspicion that I am going to recover and God is going to say, "You ain't seen nothing yet." That's not a nice place to be in, and it is the antithesis of God. 

I know that whenever I am spiritually dry, what is really happening is deep down I am being prepared for growth. I am like a seed, germinating, getting ready to spring up. I might feel suffocated by the dirt surrounding me, but it is really the nutrients that I need to have the strength to break from my hard shell, and become a soft stalk.

Today I am being asked to receive, and I am in fact receiving. I am ready to see that God has been offering more than I would have been in a position to have accepted given His laws and reason. I am promised rejuvenation, and when it rains, it pours. I am taking on what makes me feel uncomfortable, and saying "yes" to the challenges that are being placed before me, because in that way I am severing isolation.

I am also being asked to forgive what has caused me so much stress. In rejuvenation, I can see more clearly; I am not overcome by grief and self-absorption. Being 'apart from', and not 'a part of' is my Achilles' Heel² - it is my default, and I have worked hard to correct this. While there are mornings when I still wake up feeling fearful, I now pray and connect with God in confidence. "And that has made all the difference."³

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1 John Donne, "No Man is an Island"

2 Greek mythology of Achilles, who bathed in a pool that gave him super strength, but did not immerse his heel, which resulted in his defeat.
3 Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"