I’ve been reflecting a lot on what my natural talents are, and considering if I could make a living with those talents. As I wrote about in Cleaning out my Closet, I came across my high school report card. I found it interesting to see where I was naturally good at certain subjects, and I realized that I unintentionally stayed with those disciplines up to this present day.
As I consider upgrading my professional skills, I am aware of the academic challenges within the pursuit of certain subjects that I would struggle with, whether for technical or egotistical reasons. I consider myself fortunate to have landed in my current career, even though I am still working toward more allocates, but I realized that there is a part of me, or a part that’s been removed from me perhaps more accurately said, that makes me believe I can’t be successful in the areas that I am naturally gifted in.
My past actions, propelled by mental illness, have led to a “God-sized hole” inside of me that tells me I am bad. This is a very serious belief system, I would say on par with fundamentalism, because it is so close-minded and therefore damaging. This negative dialogue is buried so deep within me, that I am not even conscious of it. It is only through certain action steps, including prayer and meditation, that I became aware of this startling fact of my reality.
This deficit in my character, this gap that I operated from for decades without even knowing it, is so elusive that even when I was first taught about the concept of trying to fill myself up to feel better, I didn’t understand it. By grace through faith, plus works, I not only understand it today, I have a connection to it where I can access it and call it out when it rears its ugly head. But it’s never really gone, and this is why every day is new and different.
Accepting myself and my circumstances has always been my greatest challenge. As I find myself again at a crossroad, I now can make more informed decisions, that today factor in my mental health, and my higher power as well. It can be frightening to follow our hearts. Wise people who have come before me say that the longest journey is from the head to the heart. I have certainly found this to be true.
Subsiding my fears, my resentments, my pride, and my self-seeking motives has been a heroic effort that continues to bear fruit. It is worth questioning my motives, and it is courageous to reach out for help to a trusted source when I need a sounding board. I’m at a place today where I can make mature decisions that are rooted in reality and realism. I don’t exclude my talents and passions, but I also can work within my means today, as well.
As I consider upgrading my professional skills, I am aware of the academic challenges within the pursuit of certain subjects that I would struggle with, whether for technical or egotistical reasons. I consider myself fortunate to have landed in my current career, even though I am still working toward more allocates, but I realized that there is a part of me, or a part that’s been removed from me perhaps more accurately said, that makes me believe I can’t be successful in the areas that I am naturally gifted in.
My past actions, propelled by mental illness, have led to a “God-sized hole” inside of me that tells me I am bad. This is a very serious belief system, I would say on par with fundamentalism, because it is so close-minded and therefore damaging. This negative dialogue is buried so deep within me, that I am not even conscious of it. It is only through certain action steps, including prayer and meditation, that I became aware of this startling fact of my reality.
This deficit in my character, this gap that I operated from for decades without even knowing it, is so elusive that even when I was first taught about the concept of trying to fill myself up to feel better, I didn’t understand it. By grace through faith, plus works, I not only understand it today, I have a connection to it where I can access it and call it out when it rears its ugly head. But it’s never really gone, and this is why every day is new and different.
Accepting myself and my circumstances has always been my greatest challenge. As I find myself again at a crossroad, I now can make more informed decisions, that today factor in my mental health, and my higher power as well. It can be frightening to follow our hearts. Wise people who have come before me say that the longest journey is from the head to the heart. I have certainly found this to be true.
Subsiding my fears, my resentments, my pride, and my self-seeking motives has been a heroic effort that continues to bear fruit. It is worth questioning my motives, and it is courageous to reach out for help to a trusted source when I need a sounding board. I’m at a place today where I can make mature decisions that are rooted in reality and realism. I don’t exclude my talents and passions, but I also can work within my means today, as well.
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