A monumental shift in my recovery has been the transition from black and white thinking to a spectrum of grey thinking. What this means is an interpretation of a situation, where there is curiosity and dialogue, compassion and understanding, other than simply, right or wrong. I have been able to apply this flexible thinking to both myself, and to others when I feel I have been wronged.
But lately I have found myself resisting this trauma-based black and white reasoning, as it tries to come back to the surface. As I saw others around me in the beautiful acceptance of their grey thinking, I questioned my intentions. I considered who I was in my rigidity, before my true healing and before my commitment to becoming a Wellness Coach, and I wondered if I was as recovered as I thought I was.
During this pandemic, scores of like-minded people have been doing deep healing that is oftentimes called shadow work. For me what this means is healing that happens without my conscious effort to dig in and look at what ails me - it just comes up almost without warning, and I can either address it, or shove it back into darkness. It feels like an attack in the night, but it doesn't have to be scary or dangerous, it can be one of the greatest opportunities of healing.
As instances carrying light have cast my shadow this past week, I contemplate the letter of the law verses the spirit of the law. Great thinkers interpret the law in its spirit: they look at various components in how a law might have been transgressed. They appeal for clemency, and in their creativity facilitate great restoration. There is something brilliant to be said about the spirit of the law.
But even more than the genius of the mind, is the connection of the heart: that is what offers rejuvenation on a cellular level. It's easy for me to look at something as right or wrong, and to want retribution for the offence of mine and society's moral convictions, but I have found while that is easy, it's not joyous.
I have found that true happiness resides in the grey: the place where we make mistakes or act out of accordance with the letter of the law. Naturally this can be a frightening notion, because it can easily be taken to mean we are only happy when we are doing wrong. And while the entire Western world's theology rests in the certainty that we can do no right outside of divine providence, what I am really asserting here is that true joy comes when we live outside of judgement, blame, and vengeance.
Perhaps I wasn't as adaptive of the grey thinking as I believed I was, but it's been an avenue to reset and reevaluate why I want to resort to absolutes. Other important questions to ask myself anytime I believe I am thinking or behaving out of line with my values: am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)? Am I afraid? Am I giving myself enough time in my daily meditation and prayer? These are all contributing factors that, when low, can take me back to self-righteous anger, away from my community.
The spirit of the law is the broad highway that gives us all space to walk along and find meaning, healing and comfort. While I found satisfaction at times in my perfectionism, feeling justified to cast stones with the power of the letter of the law backing me, I eventually found it much more rewarding to instead use that power to understand, than to be understood.
Today I protect the grey, and I place boundaries between myself and the black and white. When find myself passing value judgements I take a step back, and I look at more than just what I find to be offensive. The majority of this world we cannot see, and my recovery relies on learning how to sense with my spirit, and not with my flesh.
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