I was premature with my decision to close my blog. It turns out my walk with God cannot be wrapped up with a nice little bow, because I've decided ten is a good number. I learnt that having orderly direction, which I was forcing through self-will, comes from following God, not my own ideas of what looks "good". God IS Good Orderly Direction, but I still went my own way, and called it righteous. I listened to false spirits, and made a poor judgement call, and have atoned for that.
God is eternally merciful, and King David wrote, "The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in their way. Though they fall, they shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds them with His hand.." My heart has received this psalm in a new way, because for the first time I admitted I didn't know what God's will is, and that I go outside of His word for guidance, regularly.
The simple fact is, I need to have this blog actively up and running, because I am still walking out God's will for me, and I need something to chronicle that. I was so prideful to think that I had God figured out, and that I would just go on my way and become some sort of wellness guru, no longer sharing how He works in and through my life. But another confession is, I have wrestled with self over God since I chose, and I do believe by God's permission, to become a professional in a secular industry.
I understand today why being humble means to go before God and admit that I need a saviour, because I am unfit to deliver myself from my own askew instincts and poorly made decisions. But this does not mean that I come out defeated, for as David poetically wrote, God always brings victory to those who mean well.
There's a beautiful release in admitting that I don't have it all figured out, and that humility involves being powerless, open to receiving power and direction. That's the best part. Through recommitting to my walk with God, to know His will for me, and to remember that no matter what missteps I might and invariably will take, I can always reconnect with the One who has all power, and who waits to bless me with it.
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