Christ alone

I had gone through the greatest stress of my life last week. I didn't see it coming, and it threw me right to the floor. And while I did my best to keep moving ahead, and stay focussed to my mission of being the salt of the earth, I was defeated where it mattered the most: being appropriate with work, friends, and family.

Fortunately, the people who are in my life care very much about me, and have stuck by my episodes, and yes, they were episodes. Screaming, belittling, abusing, at times twelve hour straight long fights, and if you think that's an exaggeration, you clearly have much more healthy texting etiquette than me. 

But God is SO good and he wouldn't let me stay down for too long. For one week, from last Sunday to this Sunday, he put a thorn in my side so deep, I didn't think I would make it out the other end with a single person remaining in my life. And while this challenge has not yet come to a close, when God removed my thorn this morning, he didn't leave a hole. He filled it - not with crystals, or gold, or wisdom, but with new flesh. Flesh that would, without thinking, without reason, glorify only HIM. Now I know I will be able to carry on with grace and dignity, as I was created in HIS image to do. 

The greatest trick the devil ever played on us was saying we could be as powerful as God - that we could have the world. I stepped outside of His protected garden and I relished in this new world. But when I was for the first time in forty years presented with a challenge so unbearable, so unforeseeable, I couldn't cope. I couldn't maintain my composure, I couldn't maintain my amends, I couldn't manage my rage. I couldn't care for the animals that I have been given custodianship over. I had lost complete control. There were times where it was as though my soul left my body, and I looked down and felt nothing as I shredded everything around me.

But today, not like a flash, not like a burning bush, not like a revelation, but rather a simple thought, so insignificant that my broken mind could have missed it, had it not been for God's perfect intention and will. I simply knew to throw out the things that were leading me astray, without hesitation, and I knew my nightmare had passed.

The problem with taking alternate routes, even if it feels fresh and inclusive and we think we are being of service to others, is that when shit hits the fan, and REALLY hits it, to the point of death or being institutionalized, we don't realize how far into the abyss we travelled through, and so we can't just get out to have the fresh air needed to think clearly! I couldn't manage. I couldn't put a single principle into practice that I have trained for for YEARS. Turn the others cheek? Fail. Give your enemy your cloak? Fail. Walk an extra mile? As if. That was all lowering my standards. And this is the deceit of the devil - I am utterly materially and spiritually bled dry, and yet, I have worldly standards.

I thought I was on the straight path. I hadn't opened my Bible in a month, but I testified to being on the narrow path that only Christ told us about, the ONLY path that doesn't lead to complete DESTRUCTION. I could feel my Christian friends shiver as I delved into an altered state of consciousness through alternate forms of meditation, but I thought they were only hurting themselves by judging me, that they were jealous that I was so enlightened and now blazing a way for the lost and the destitute.

But I was the destitute. I was dying, and while I knew I was in danger in the sense that my program of recovery has been erratic, I was so confident that I was saved from the snares of the devil. I was not safe, I was playing house in his dungeon. But THE Father keeps no records of wrongs. None. He will rejoice when we return to him, and he will leave all others to find one single soul in danger. This time it was mine, and I am moved to utter compassion for myself: not condemnation, compassion. Because God is LOVE.

So be offended by the Cross, deny THE Father, spit on the Son of God, I do not know you, and on the last day, Christ will say the exact same thing to you. I have done so much to be liked, it breaks my heart. I have been insulted, slandered, abandoned, and I still return like a dog to his own vomit, changing the way I look, the way I talk, just to belong with those who hate the light, but who pretend to do good when others are watching. I was so afraid of being a joke, but now I know I can't prevent that, because the saved will always be fools to those who are perishing. Always.

I would rather be disrespected by my peers, than be mocked by Satan and his minions, who crouch, waiting to pounce and maim when I least expect it, ready to possess my mind, where I end up hurting everyone I love. There is no greater pain than going to war with those you love. None. So give me your grievances against Christ, give me your bitterness, give me your contempt, your malice, your revulsion. From now on, it is those I will endeavor to wage against. The next time I am blindsided, I will respond as God would have me to. I will have the strength to do whatever is necessary to protect the ones I love, and that can only be accomplished through sacrifice, through the fearlessness of being crucified with Christ.

Jesus seeks out the sinners, and if that word offends you, I truly pity you. Christ came to me in 2011 when I was very, very sick, and I have always loved him for that. Christ is the Good Physician. Do we not need medical attention when sick? When will our soul, that which is immaterial and without boundaries, that which God can scoop into and remove the rot and replace with complete and utter RIGHTEOUSNESS be as important to us as our bodies are when they ache? Yes, God will heal you sinner, in an instant.