I went through a spiritually arid period a couple of months ago, so I was very open to suggestion from my peers on how to up my practice. Something that I haven't been doing this past year is praying on my knees. Someone said how it really helped him; it increased his faith and he began to find meaning in his life. I was receptive enough to heed advice to try it regularly, and I have been consistently praying with the physical act of kneeling everyday. And I must say, it totally works. I was relieved of my funk within about one or two weeks, and it has fostered positivity, acceptance, and inspiration in my life ever since.
Something that I have never done is go to God for counsel. There are a couple of reasons for this: I felt I didn't know how to access God, and that if I could, how would I possibly discern the message? But, with my daily and nightly practice of giving thanks through the physical act of prayer and humility, I feel much more connected to God and much more trustful of the messages that he presents to me. This morning I asked God "properly" about a tug-of-war I am experiencing with work. Something else I have never been strong at is making a pros-and-cons list. Although I am a black-and-white thinker, I really do see those as grey. Even though I can easily mark off points, they invariably hold different weights. So how do I measure them?
But this morning, I knew I did good, and that I did all I really can. All else is fluff. While I was taught that it is not healthy to let people, places, or things control us or dictate how we act or feel, I also believe that God speaks to us at times through these avenues. I believe that the message that I am to receive will be through one (or more) of these means.
Something that I have wondered is, where does my program of recovery fit into all of this? The problem with the prospective job is that it requires open availability, very similar to being on-call. I would not be able to be "of service" in the traditional sense. This is a definite red-flag, because once we start to slip away from any real accountability, we become complacent. I really need to ask myself, do I believe I need to be consistent in my program? Do I really think I can be in danger if I am relying on self to get to meetings?
We talk about surrender in the fellowship, and I know for me, my recovery truly started six months into sobriety, when I fully surrendered. Despite my fear and apprehension, I trusted the program and the Steps. I took the plunge into the deep end, and I made a "real" inventory shortly thereafter, which truly truly was the turning of the knob to a new room, and a new life.
So what does "surrender" mean to me today? I have been open to messages from God all day. I wasn't getting a sign until I pulled this card at the end of the day. After an erratic two months and treading on the outskirts of the fellowship, I must reaffirm my intentions, get active, and put my sobriety first. This makes my decision much more easy to make, and I know that I can trust the source. When we think we don't need recovery, that is when we are in the most danger. I am still regaining stability after an emotional winter, and it is time to get to work. Real work - life work, God work, peace work.
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