It took a pandemic to understand that it is my inalienable right to be happy. When I found myself this past week feeling blessed beyond measure, and so in love with my community, even self-defeating thoughts weren't able to breach my psyche.
What I realized is my defiance to be happy is tied into the challenges I have struggled with in setting up boundaries. Whenever I felt like I was fortunate in a situation, I felt guilty. I didn't believe that I deserved anything good and therefore suspected it would be removed from me without warning (so don't even appreciate it then). But as of late I've been working to heal this belief of unworthiness, and I drew a line between the semantical argument of deserve verses entitled. I was not entitled to certain privileges, but I did deserve what I worked for. And it was long overdue that I accepted the wages of my labour.
In learning to accept my wages as what I earned, and not what was given to me unfairly, my heart opened up further. For the first time know what it means to be a child of God. In knowing that I am under the protection and care of the universe, I can be happy just by existing. Happiness as my birthright isn't about having things or titles (fairly or not) in order to feel blessed, it's to be connected to a higher power that I know through and through will sustain me.
When I was materially unprepared for the pandemic, through my own willful ignorance, I learned a most valuable lesson: be accountable. Once I was able to right the wrongs I was making, I was able to conversely recognize that I don't have to be responsible for other people's interpretations of the world. When I was ready spiritually for the pandemic, my knee jerk reaction was, don't let anyone know that I feel blessed. I didn't want to look rude, or insensitive.
That people-pleasing default I wanted to show up from was only a product of low self-esteem; but with the strength of my armour, I wasn't shaken up from others' hysteria. This was the first indication I had that I was spiritually fit, and ready to be of service. It was in this brief window where I finally felt confident in myself and in God's will for me. I didn't need to suffer with other people who found themselves miserable based on decisions that they have been making. Rather, I am making my amends today, and in that I am guided and guarded against dangerous thoughts and actions, and can now be in the world, but not of it.
I learned that I don't need to be scared or gloomy to be accepted. While compassion is an order, I can just keep on doing what I have been doing, and welcome anyone who wants to join me on this broad highway that is not dogmatic, doctrinal, and therefore not judgemental. It's just people coming together and exchanging ideas and enjoying each other's company. And it's just as effective online as in person, in my opinion.
In the opportunity to benefit from this unusual degree of collective consciousness, I have also conceded that nothing is guaranteed. Deep down I knew this, I knew we were vulnerable to disease, poverty, and death, and I dodged feeling their presence all the time. I often felt uncomfortable, knowing that I was a prideful person and yet so weak in the flesh. Still, I found myself time and again not able to embrace these vulnerabilities, instead feeling pressured to cover them up, and when I couldn't, made to feel like a failure and at times, even insane.
Who knew that a message of being allowed to be happy and hopeful, despite our fears, was an order. But it does make sense when we place the contingents of happiness on external and therefore impermanent things. This is an amazing time to reset our values, and to let happiness and peace enter our lives in ways we simply couldn't understand or process before. Happiness our inalienable human right, just as much as food, water, shelter, creativity and community are. This is our time to be brave and connect with what gives us peace, and true life-giving inspiration.
What I realized is my defiance to be happy is tied into the challenges I have struggled with in setting up boundaries. Whenever I felt like I was fortunate in a situation, I felt guilty. I didn't believe that I deserved anything good and therefore suspected it would be removed from me without warning (so don't even appreciate it then). But as of late I've been working to heal this belief of unworthiness, and I drew a line between the semantical argument of deserve verses entitled. I was not entitled to certain privileges, but I did deserve what I worked for. And it was long overdue that I accepted the wages of my labour.
In learning to accept my wages as what I earned, and not what was given to me unfairly, my heart opened up further. For the first time know what it means to be a child of God. In knowing that I am under the protection and care of the universe, I can be happy just by existing. Happiness as my birthright isn't about having things or titles (fairly or not) in order to feel blessed, it's to be connected to a higher power that I know through and through will sustain me.
When I was materially unprepared for the pandemic, through my own willful ignorance, I learned a most valuable lesson: be accountable. Once I was able to right the wrongs I was making, I was able to conversely recognize that I don't have to be responsible for other people's interpretations of the world. When I was ready spiritually for the pandemic, my knee jerk reaction was, don't let anyone know that I feel blessed. I didn't want to look rude, or insensitive.
That people-pleasing default I wanted to show up from was only a product of low self-esteem; but with the strength of my armour, I wasn't shaken up from others' hysteria. This was the first indication I had that I was spiritually fit, and ready to be of service. It was in this brief window where I finally felt confident in myself and in God's will for me. I didn't need to suffer with other people who found themselves miserable based on decisions that they have been making. Rather, I am making my amends today, and in that I am guided and guarded against dangerous thoughts and actions, and can now be in the world, but not of it.
I learned that I don't need to be scared or gloomy to be accepted. While compassion is an order, I can just keep on doing what I have been doing, and welcome anyone who wants to join me on this broad highway that is not dogmatic, doctrinal, and therefore not judgemental. It's just people coming together and exchanging ideas and enjoying each other's company. And it's just as effective online as in person, in my opinion.
In the opportunity to benefit from this unusual degree of collective consciousness, I have also conceded that nothing is guaranteed. Deep down I knew this, I knew we were vulnerable to disease, poverty, and death, and I dodged feeling their presence all the time. I often felt uncomfortable, knowing that I was a prideful person and yet so weak in the flesh. Still, I found myself time and again not able to embrace these vulnerabilities, instead feeling pressured to cover them up, and when I couldn't, made to feel like a failure and at times, even insane.
Who knew that a message of being allowed to be happy and hopeful, despite our fears, was an order. But it does make sense when we place the contingents of happiness on external and therefore impermanent things. This is an amazing time to reset our values, and to let happiness and peace enter our lives in ways we simply couldn't understand or process before. Happiness our inalienable human right, just as much as food, water, shelter, creativity and community are. This is our time to be brave and connect with what gives us peace, and true life-giving inspiration.
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| Happiness by Vesna Delevska |
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