"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 84)Being asked to practice self-isolation has put so much of my life into perspective. It has not called me out on my shortcomings, but it has called me up. I have been invited to go back through my history and see why I was not prepared for this pandemic. And I really wasn't - I was shaking hands and hugging people less than a week ago. I didn't buy toilet paper in time, and even though I generally eat like it's the end of the world, canned and frozen foods, by the time I got to the stores mostly everything was gone.
By the grace of God there are amazing people in my life who picked up my slack, and after going to several stores was able to find some canned goods, and though in my personal life there appears to be more to come, with immanent "temporary" layoffs at my job, I am happy. I have enough, I'll still have some employment despite my main supply being in jeopardy, the weather is fantastic, and I was at the highest level of spiritual fitness when the quarantine started. I have been truly blessed, and it's because I worked hard. Hard work always pays off.
Still, there is a lot to consider now. The areas in my life I have dangerously lapsed in, and observing the psychology of the shame that I will feel if I am laid off, even though I know it wouldn't be my fault. Indeed, there is much shadow work to be done in this time, and it is in these times of quietness that we are given amazing opportunities to regroup.
Here are some ways that I have stayed focussed in self-isolation:
1) Treating every day like a brand new day. While I am more aware of my routine now, and while being at home is a bit stressful in that it makes my Lenten practice a bit more difficult, I am grateful for a new day, because in that there is room to allow for something different. A new inspiration, a new book, a new YouTube video theme. Treating every day like I don't know what will happen also helps me maintain a regular sleep schedule and eating schedule.
2) Eating as healthy as possible. This is so crucial to my mental well being. This is a time where depression can rear it's ugly head, maybe without warning, and one way to stay vigilant is to eat healthy.
3) Keeping in contact with others, which I am doing through general Facebook use and texting.
4) Being hopeful for what is to come, which I can accomplish by perceiving new, attainable ways to live.
And here are ways that I am resisting feelings of dejection:
1) Unfollowing on social media anyone who propagates fear with no solutions for peaceful mindfulness.
2) Starting to consider what I can do to be better prepared in the future, such as always having two weeks worth of daily needed items, and always, always putting ten percent of my paycheque in a savings account, and maybe even employment changes to an industry that is better recession-proof.
3) Being informed at all times. I really thought that ignorance kept me safe. I defied "pop culture" and believed that mind-over-matter would keep me immune to mass hysteria. Being defiant to government suggestions and news reportings didn't keep connected to others in my heroic effort to not be afraid, it was dangerous and it bit me in the ass.
4) Having a new relationship with social media. How I can use it for good, instead of using it as a platform to succumb to pride, both my own pride and being impacted so profoundly by that of others.
So many awesome things have happened for me personally this past week. People whom I was so desperate to be liked by, and to be like, people who outright rejected me, ended up being ghosts or when making brief appearances still pushing their righteousness no longer bear weight with these new challenges. And this liberated me from feelings of sadness and not being good enough. There is a new self-acceptance and appreciation. I have compassion for those who are not currently in my life, who I would have liked to have heard from, and there are people who are surfacing who I am so grateful to be reconnected with.
I am developing a new relationship with people and things. I have overwhelming love for just about everyone right now, and am learning to not be so dependent on products, and this is where I really need the most work. While I didn't have much food, maybe not even enough for two weeks worth of self-isolation, I have thousands of dollars worth of cosmetics and fragrances. And while I have known for years this is backwards, twisted, and sick, I couldn't stop. I was addicted to instant gratification. But now I know to let those items in my Amazon cart sit, to save for things that I want, and to start making financial amends to my credit card and the government.
Today I can see the manipulation of the world. The messages that I am not attractive enough, prosperous enough, influential enough, a society that convinces me to consume, but that doesn't give me gentle nudges instead on how to really be a self-accepting and productive member of society. I will from now on gain my worth from being accountable and reliable. May I never forget the repercussions of this global crisis.
We are truly one. What this pandemic has shown me that I intuitively knew but chose to ignore, is that there is no difference between people, and there is no divide between us and our ecosystem. And most importantly, that we are all intertwined. While the media was a source of fear for me the moment the story of the virus broke in the new year, it became my enemy, but I chose to be naive that it is ultimately just trying to inform me. Because the virus hasn't been serious in North America, I fully failed to grasp that it spread globally in less than two months. That is truly astronomical.
This monumental occasion is a time to be creative and to find new ways to live. Yes, this feels like war, or like the end-times, but it is in these challenging times when people come up with the best inventions - desperation can bring out the impoverishment in people, but necessity can also bring out the genius.
This is real. This is the time for us to change without apology, without shame, remorse, or apprehension. This is the time to fully turn back on everything that we have always wanted to leave behind but were afraid to lest we be judged or considered hypocritical or fake.
I pray that I never forget what I am experiencing today, the love and inspiration that I feel, the conviction that I have failed, and the opportunities that will soon come to be a dutiful citizen of my community. Our amazing world that we have been given custodianship over is being given an unprecedented chance to recover and heal, and so are we.
We are not experiencing a personal or private new years resolution, or a moon cycle intention, or a meditative moment to have existential conversations with ourselves. This is a possibly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to universally and radically change for the better. For me, my pride is finally being levelled, and yes it can be scary and painful because I still want to be strong, brilliant, and admired, but it is in this powerful lesson of humility that I might change what I can - my outlook and attitude upon life itself, and how I relate to the world.
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The iris flower symbolizes hope, cherished friendship, and valor. |
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