Modesty

I have a new friend from the fellowship, who not only has a solid program with long-term sobriety, but who is a good orator as well, and so that combined with a pure message that is perfectly aligned with the spirit of the program, her sharing always resonates with me.

The other week we were talking on the phone about how it's our thoughts that are sick - it's our thinking that is the root of our troubles.  And what she said, I without really considering at the time had actually banked, and I pull it up frequently.   Which is that she can go to bed, feeling amazing, accomplished in a day well lived, and yet wake the next morning in a terrible state, even though NOTHING has changed!!

Wow, yes, that story makes a lot of sense to me!  Especially last night.  My cat woke me in the middle of the night with a hairball, so I got up, cleaned it, and went back to bed, thinking, "I'm so happy, I'm nice and comfy. God is so good!  I've recovered from an indiscretion from the night before, I had a great meeting, healed, saw my mom, it's payday, AND I still get to sleep longer!" --- to being ABSOLUTELY PANICKED of the things in my life that I am unsure about.  And I can say without exaggeration that I have NO idea what triggered the fearful thoughts, or even what first thought gave way.

The past few days, God has been (mercifully) teaching me lessons in humility.  He has truly levelled me, to the point I would have wanted to have died (or break my sobriety) in the past, but not this time.  This time, I am doing everything OPPOSITE of what I usually think and do.  This time I am reaching out to others, and (silently) either asking for help, or offering to help.  THIS is the psychic change!  

The current deflation of my ego has improved my life drastically.  It is such a relief to not be "in charge".  My relationships with others have improved, because I no longer feel better than, and I have also learned that I don't need to feel less than, either, for in those cases where I feel "not good enough", I am really only just meant to "be".

And yes, to just "be" can hurt, but from my quick memory scan, that only has to happen, when I can't subside my roaring ego.  I have truly let the gifts that I have received, that I have ONLY received, through desperation and grace heal me, because I was WILLING.  That's it.  I am not special, and after this week, I really no longer even want to be.  I want to be equal, completely.  I want true (agape) love and friendship, and I am now suspecting that the price of (self-imposed) leadership is to be apart of - not a part of - and I am not willing to be "unique" any longer.

I realize now that I need to have God by my side in order to live life with grace and dignity, and so today I am working on connecting to my Higher Power WITHOUT fear or circumstance.  The Great Reality is within me, an unlimited inner resource to be called upon at anytime, and anywhere.  And I have complete faith and confidence that if I can successfully connect to God when I am losing sanity, I won't have to go from ten to zero (not even being able to recognize how it happened).  

Today I understand my mind to be more powerful than I can alone manage, to the point that letting God run it, all the time and not just some of it, is looking more and more attractive.  It is truly baffling where my mind can go, from either manipulating data, to unsupervised nonsense.  Maybe someday I really won't be going to meetings with my tail between my legs, but until I feel confident that I can live and let live, until I can remember that I need the meetings more than the meetings need me, that I need my sponsees more than they need me, and that I need God more than he needs me, I'm really going to be monitoring my thoughts - on a very.tight.leash.