It has been three weeks since my last post. A lot has been happening, most of it conflict. My perception of people and the world has shifted and while one could say it's now negative or jaded, I feel it's more realistic and helps me continue to establish healthy boundaries, be more resourceful with my energy, and to be more careful with who I give power to.
There is a lot less fear in my thinking and acting now as a result of my new experiences, which were a long time coming. People seem so much less threatening when I recognize that they are just living their own lives and not really concerned about what's around them. And consequently I have learnt to mind my own business. Unless something directly affects a person, they are entirely uninterested in me and what I have to offer, and so I rarely place myself in others' circles now.
It is a demoralized world, and being ignorant in my belief that I could be of service hurt me in more ways than I wish to recall. It is not my right to place myself in people's spaces, even if I think it's something as seemingly harmless as a pleasant comment. It is God's decision to choose who will enter into mine.
What helped me see this was not a burning bush revelation, it was many years of desperate attempts to connect with others and inspire them, this painful lesson finally coming to fruition this week in the heart of the city. But this week was merely the final stage, and during the growing phase I had to be let down by people ad infinitum, to finally learn to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.
Ultimately, people want to appease the flesh, and character-building is left only for the odd who then become isolated, forced out of communities for having habits that make the pleasure-seekers uncomfortable, painfully aware of choices better left unmade.
But I will not let this dull me. Sometimes I lament over the state of the world in the most basic sense - the weaker must succumb to the stronger, all life is sustained by the loss of life. As a statement, it seems like a paradox, as all things which are true are, but in its most basic form, one has to perish for the survival of another, going all the way down the vegetation. Today this no longer bothers me, because today my faith is strong enough to know that this world is passing, and I have 2,000+ years of wisdom to give me the STRENGTH to now be in the world, but not of it.
My life has truly been a luxury, having had the time and freedom to have spent the past fifteen years contemplating spiritual matters, debating hypothetical problems with unrealistic (or typically no) solutions, communicating with like-minded people behind the comfort of my computer, half that time in my pajamas. But that sabotaged me two-fold: 1) Without actual worldly experience I projected my will and incomplete theories into God's plan, and 2) I relied on a distorted impression of society - I cultivated my values into a world that is in reality cold, crass, fast, mean, weak...the list goes on. And that is not a human fix.
I am no longer interested in the undisciplined, in the tasteless. I know that I am the salt of the world, but as Oswald Chambers said, my job is not to bring others to relief, but to accept this world for what it is, and to go on my way. In that sense, I will attract who the Lord wills to be drawn to me, just as I was drawn to God, without any will of my own. I erred by not going on my way, instead making lots of little stops in a debased belief I was making uplifting social calls, not even realizing (or dismissing when obvious) they were being spat on behind my back. I placed myself in the business of others, not in the business of the Father. I never sought out God's will, I sought out my will, how to feel as good as I could in the depravity of day-to-day living.
I have the power to loose and to bind, but I don't have the power to go off and decide who will be my "friend", or who I will assuage (or vice versa). That is the opposite of God's will - it's my will, and deciding who "needs" my attention, opinion, or observance, has never once ended well. Now I know that all I am to do is fight my own battles and keep to myself. That is hard to accept, but I now concede unequivocally that is the reality, and is necessary.
If someone is drawn to me I need to ask in prayer and meditation what their purpose in my life is to be, instead of recklessly making impetuous decisions in this world - a world which is not mine to participate in on my own terms. I am sincerely grateful for a handful of life-changing developments that have in truth been a blessing to this unwitting participant.
Time to get to REAL work.
Until next time, dear reader.
There is a lot less fear in my thinking and acting now as a result of my new experiences, which were a long time coming. People seem so much less threatening when I recognize that they are just living their own lives and not really concerned about what's around them. And consequently I have learnt to mind my own business. Unless something directly affects a person, they are entirely uninterested in me and what I have to offer, and so I rarely place myself in others' circles now.
It is a demoralized world, and being ignorant in my belief that I could be of service hurt me in more ways than I wish to recall. It is not my right to place myself in people's spaces, even if I think it's something as seemingly harmless as a pleasant comment. It is God's decision to choose who will enter into mine.
What helped me see this was not a burning bush revelation, it was many years of desperate attempts to connect with others and inspire them, this painful lesson finally coming to fruition this week in the heart of the city. But this week was merely the final stage, and during the growing phase I had to be let down by people ad infinitum, to finally learn to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.
Ultimately, people want to appease the flesh, and character-building is left only for the odd who then become isolated, forced out of communities for having habits that make the pleasure-seekers uncomfortable, painfully aware of choices better left unmade.
But I will not let this dull me. Sometimes I lament over the state of the world in the most basic sense - the weaker must succumb to the stronger, all life is sustained by the loss of life. As a statement, it seems like a paradox, as all things which are true are, but in its most basic form, one has to perish for the survival of another, going all the way down the vegetation. Today this no longer bothers me, because today my faith is strong enough to know that this world is passing, and I have 2,000+ years of wisdom to give me the STRENGTH to now be in the world, but not of it.
My life has truly been a luxury, having had the time and freedom to have spent the past fifteen years contemplating spiritual matters, debating hypothetical problems with unrealistic (or typically no) solutions, communicating with like-minded people behind the comfort of my computer, half that time in my pajamas. But that sabotaged me two-fold: 1) Without actual worldly experience I projected my will and incomplete theories into God's plan, and 2) I relied on a distorted impression of society - I cultivated my values into a world that is in reality cold, crass, fast, mean, weak...the list goes on. And that is not a human fix.
I am no longer interested in the undisciplined, in the tasteless. I know that I am the salt of the world, but as Oswald Chambers said, my job is not to bring others to relief, but to accept this world for what it is, and to go on my way. In that sense, I will attract who the Lord wills to be drawn to me, just as I was drawn to God, without any will of my own. I erred by not going on my way, instead making lots of little stops in a debased belief I was making uplifting social calls, not even realizing (or dismissing when obvious) they were being spat on behind my back. I placed myself in the business of others, not in the business of the Father. I never sought out God's will, I sought out my will, how to feel as good as I could in the depravity of day-to-day living.
I have the power to loose and to bind, but I don't have the power to go off and decide who will be my "friend", or who I will assuage (or vice versa). That is the opposite of God's will - it's my will, and deciding who "needs" my attention, opinion, or observance, has never once ended well. Now I know that all I am to do is fight my own battles and keep to myself. That is hard to accept, but I now concede unequivocally that is the reality, and is necessary.
If someone is drawn to me I need to ask in prayer and meditation what their purpose in my life is to be, instead of recklessly making impetuous decisions in this world - a world which is not mine to participate in on my own terms. I am sincerely grateful for a handful of life-changing developments that have in truth been a blessing to this unwitting participant.
Time to get to REAL work.
Until next time, dear reader.
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