I was travelling home from downtown tonight. There were a few young men, which after more closely observing I saw were really boys, probably not even in post-secondary yet. One of them who was standing said to the other two, "Do you guys realize we've been together for over twelve hours?" I thought it was funny and sweet, but I didn't look too much at them, I just started to eavesdrop. The talkative one went on about watching a movie every night, so he had a bunch of late nights the past week. Another got off the train when I noticed the one who was sitting down had his student transit card around his neck.
These were just boys, dorky boys to the fullest extent. I gathered they got good grades and spent most of their time studying, watching movies, and playing games of sorts. I don't even think they were consumed by hormones. And I realized I was nothing like them: I was meant to end up where I did, way off course. There is absolutely no point in me wondering "What if", because there were no other options, because I am diseased and I had no tools to even recognize it let alone manage it during those formative years when I needed to be on point the most.
The loss of innocence happened fast with me, but I didn't want to acknowledge that up until now. I was hurt by others, I hurt myself, I hurt others, and it all left me where I am today, nearly crippled. It is a relentless world, but today I no longer feel the need to match up to anyone. By God's good grace, in His good timing, I achieved in truth everything I needed to attain, and now the rest is up to me to make the most of it, and enjoy sitting at the table with whatever hand is dealt to me.
I come from a cold city, a mean city; and it made me strong. I know what honour and dignity represent, and respect is earned, not assumed to be received. Now I know that the past is in the past, and everything must pass. Everything. I am almost mid-life, and I have spent almost half of it lamenting poor decisions, while continuing to make the same intrinsic mistakes. Insanity ruled me, and it still tries to but the difference is today I see it and I call it by its name, and that means it no longer controls me.
I am proud that I made it up to the point that I did. Sins are just coping mechanisms, nothing more. I used my pride and arrogance to get to where I am with absolutely nothing but a delusion of grandeur. It is no longer relevant that I barely made it by, that I am not really where I want to be, because I couldn't have known what I wanted during the time when I needed to make a decision and follow through with it. And that makes anything I have ever wanted worthless.
It also makes it comical. No wonder Dante's famous work on the process of our transition from life into death is called The Divine Comedy. Life is, at least my life is, absurd. I thought God had no sense of humour because Jesus only ever wept, but I can see now that some verses have been left out from that part of history. I've never been fond of history, and now mine will no longer rule my present, or define my future.
These were just boys, dorky boys to the fullest extent. I gathered they got good grades and spent most of their time studying, watching movies, and playing games of sorts. I don't even think they were consumed by hormones. And I realized I was nothing like them: I was meant to end up where I did, way off course. There is absolutely no point in me wondering "What if", because there were no other options, because I am diseased and I had no tools to even recognize it let alone manage it during those formative years when I needed to be on point the most.
The loss of innocence happened fast with me, but I didn't want to acknowledge that up until now. I was hurt by others, I hurt myself, I hurt others, and it all left me where I am today, nearly crippled. It is a relentless world, but today I no longer feel the need to match up to anyone. By God's good grace, in His good timing, I achieved in truth everything I needed to attain, and now the rest is up to me to make the most of it, and enjoy sitting at the table with whatever hand is dealt to me.
I come from a cold city, a mean city; and it made me strong. I know what honour and dignity represent, and respect is earned, not assumed to be received. Now I know that the past is in the past, and everything must pass. Everything. I am almost mid-life, and I have spent almost half of it lamenting poor decisions, while continuing to make the same intrinsic mistakes. Insanity ruled me, and it still tries to but the difference is today I see it and I call it by its name, and that means it no longer controls me.
I am proud that I made it up to the point that I did. Sins are just coping mechanisms, nothing more. I used my pride and arrogance to get to where I am with absolutely nothing but a delusion of grandeur. It is no longer relevant that I barely made it by, that I am not really where I want to be, because I couldn't have known what I wanted during the time when I needed to make a decision and follow through with it. And that makes anything I have ever wanted worthless.
It also makes it comical. No wonder Dante's famous work on the process of our transition from life into death is called The Divine Comedy. Life is, at least my life is, absurd. I thought God had no sense of humour because Jesus only ever wept, but I can see now that some verses have been left out from that part of history. I've never been fond of history, and now mine will no longer rule my present, or define my future.
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| Inferno, Purgatory and Paradise, Illustration from Dante's Divine Comedy, 14th Century (Manuscript) |
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