"God, I pray that you now have all of me, good AND bad..." Yes, even the bad: the wrong I want to commit, that I know is wrong because I want to act in secret, because it's shameful. The bad where I wouldn't act in such a way, were I in proper health.
But rejoice! For if it is good enough for God, it is good enough for me to own, and in that way, I may release. I cannot give what I do not have, and actions that stem from shortcomings no longer need to play out, because today I know that I don't need to internalize any bad feelings, at all.
I used to gloss over any characteristics that were undesirable to me or the way they involved others, because I thought I wasn't supposed to have them. I would suppress them, deny them, or minimize them, and now I see that I wasn't revealing them, so that I could then heal them.
But after a pretty bad episode that nearly cost me more than I can afford, I came to God in a different approach unlike any way I had before. This permitted me to see that God wants to take all that is questionable within me, and I finally realized who am I to say what I am "too good" for?
I saw that my pride and my defiance were astoundingly strong, and that they served in no way but to defeat me. MY way doesn't work, and it never, ever did, and there is no sane reason for me to believe that someday I might beat the game. Now I have mentors and friends who, if I wouldn't want them knowing my business, why would I want to go about it the way I have?
I am often tempted to fall back into fundamental Christianity, but more and more undeniable signs are urging me to remain on my path of energy work. I am not afraid of demonic portals any longer, but I have of late questioned if my infirmities are too strong to resist simply by prayer or deep breathing, Now I recognize fully that I have all of the tools that I need to maintain my integrity so long as I remain connected to my vision of being perfectly yoked to God, instead of connecting only in times of painful desperation which invariably then lead to repentance.
Because I am ALWAYS in need of redemption, no matter how much conviction of the Spirit is offensive to the ear, it is necessary, and I welcome it. Yes, of course I want my autonomy, I want to revolt at the prospect of leadership and direction. But it is now apparent to me, that "my" way only bears poisoned fruit, at best.
Suffering is a necessary initiation, and it doesn't need to be feared - it is evolutionary, but as with anything, it is a tool that needs to be used rightly. I now know two things: 1) Suffering passes more quickly once it is accepted and acknowledged, and 2) Peace overflows once God removes the hurt, which He will. Consequently, fear will also assert two things: 1) My sins will disgrace me, so why bother, and 2) If I don't hold on to the pain, I won't be able to control it. These fears are foolish values that strangely go against survival instincts and contribute to a corrosion in personhood.
Acceptance is paramount, but understanding the deeper meaning of a fearful situation that in all likelihood arose from something I created in transgression, is also required in order to maintain equilibrium, and then dismiss it. The problem with evil is I secretly enjoy it, but upon honest appraisal, I can see that I only cling to what is rotten, because I feel unfit for what is good.
I now know there is nothing wrong with failure and hurt feelings, so today I invite them in for tea. Then they leave and I ask God to be with them. They might want to come back and visit, but sometimes I'm not at home to entertain them. Sometimes I'll take a quick phone call with them, and no matter the occassion, I bless them when it's their time to head out.
For me that is real peace, and by God's grace I have found how to release the fear that can cripple my development as a human being and as a woman. I might still make mistakes that can arise from not being perfectly yoked to God, but I can keep courage that it will get better, because I am taking the steps needed to transmute negative programming that lead to poor decision making. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.
But rejoice! For if it is good enough for God, it is good enough for me to own, and in that way, I may release. I cannot give what I do not have, and actions that stem from shortcomings no longer need to play out, because today I know that I don't need to internalize any bad feelings, at all.
I used to gloss over any characteristics that were undesirable to me or the way they involved others, because I thought I wasn't supposed to have them. I would suppress them, deny them, or minimize them, and now I see that I wasn't revealing them, so that I could then heal them.
But after a pretty bad episode that nearly cost me more than I can afford, I came to God in a different approach unlike any way I had before. This permitted me to see that God wants to take all that is questionable within me, and I finally realized who am I to say what I am "too good" for?
I saw that my pride and my defiance were astoundingly strong, and that they served in no way but to defeat me. MY way doesn't work, and it never, ever did, and there is no sane reason for me to believe that someday I might beat the game. Now I have mentors and friends who, if I wouldn't want them knowing my business, why would I want to go about it the way I have?
I am often tempted to fall back into fundamental Christianity, but more and more undeniable signs are urging me to remain on my path of energy work. I am not afraid of demonic portals any longer, but I have of late questioned if my infirmities are too strong to resist simply by prayer or deep breathing, Now I recognize fully that I have all of the tools that I need to maintain my integrity so long as I remain connected to my vision of being perfectly yoked to God, instead of connecting only in times of painful desperation which invariably then lead to repentance.
Because I am ALWAYS in need of redemption, no matter how much conviction of the Spirit is offensive to the ear, it is necessary, and I welcome it. Yes, of course I want my autonomy, I want to revolt at the prospect of leadership and direction. But it is now apparent to me, that "my" way only bears poisoned fruit, at best.
Suffering is a necessary initiation, and it doesn't need to be feared - it is evolutionary, but as with anything, it is a tool that needs to be used rightly. I now know two things: 1) Suffering passes more quickly once it is accepted and acknowledged, and 2) Peace overflows once God removes the hurt, which He will. Consequently, fear will also assert two things: 1) My sins will disgrace me, so why bother, and 2) If I don't hold on to the pain, I won't be able to control it. These fears are foolish values that strangely go against survival instincts and contribute to a corrosion in personhood.
Acceptance is paramount, but understanding the deeper meaning of a fearful situation that in all likelihood arose from something I created in transgression, is also required in order to maintain equilibrium, and then dismiss it. The problem with evil is I secretly enjoy it, but upon honest appraisal, I can see that I only cling to what is rotten, because I feel unfit for what is good.
I now know there is nothing wrong with failure and hurt feelings, so today I invite them in for tea. Then they leave and I ask God to be with them. They might want to come back and visit, but sometimes I'm not at home to entertain them. Sometimes I'll take a quick phone call with them, and no matter the occassion, I bless them when it's their time to head out.
For me that is real peace, and by God's grace I have found how to release the fear that can cripple my development as a human being and as a woman. I might still make mistakes that can arise from not being perfectly yoked to God, but I can keep courage that it will get better, because I am taking the steps needed to transmute negative programming that lead to poor decision making. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.
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