I remember during my fundamental Christian years, how absolutely terrified I was of Halloween. And though I was struggling psychologically, they were genuine fears that were not embedded in any teachings of Satan, but rather of a very real occult world that I have since made peace with.
But years ago I relied on the front-line Christians to sooth my nervous spirit, and they delivered. And on November first, All Saints' Day, I was dismissed from all anxiety: I had made it through another Halloween.
Those people who I looked up to aren't around anymore in that same capacity. They got married, became involved in new activities, or simply lost interest in evangelizing. This morning I have been thinking, as I have been writing of late, of the people I looked up to who are no longer around. I realize that it's not fair to place burdens on people, or to box them in so that I can have a go-to when needed. Not only were they not professional exorcists, people are creative and need the fluidity to transform as we move through life and all the interesting parts of it that might influence and inspire us.
But it in turn has inspired me to question what my ultimate goals are. I know my offline life is much different from my online life. My offline life I clean compulsively, take care of animals, study ballet, have coffee with a few people who I am close to, and go to work at an entry-level job. But my online life I am an intellect, a revolutionary, a prophet. And it is here that I can really focus and hone my mind and audience.
I don't want to be like those Christians who just stopped being a mouthpiece for Christ, or the New Age gurus who fell apart once they stumbled on a pebble along their path. I seek a conviction that will withstand the coarse seasons in order to remain a bright light. Jesus said what good is salt once it loses its saltiness? Every person I have relied on lost their flavour, but at the end of the day it's between me and God and no one else. I'm the only one who I can change, and I wish all the others well, perhaps they weren't on their true path to begin with and this is necessary and good.
Now I prepare to re-group. I have knowledge in many fields, and while I can now interconnect them, welding them can be a stumbling block for anyone who is as I was, and those are the people who I am most interested in reaching. People who are lost, afraid, and desperate for direction. Focussing on one method would be the most effective tactic, however that presents a danger in becoming rigid. When a person is rigid, they risk breaking under resistance, rather than bending and adjusting to challenges.
But now that I have passed through the test of being in the world and not of it, the concern of succumbing to the pressure isn't so much the concern as it once was. External expectations and desires don't hold much power over me today because the refiner's fire removed the lust for the connection that I thought I needed. I know today that it will only ever be me, and the foot of the Cross.
It would be tragic to go on the way I have been, relying on people when I am the one who has the strength, looking for guidance when I am the one who has the answers, seeking out teachers when I'm the one who has the discipline. But would I be better a hermit than to become a traitor to my cause, as so many others who have come before me have?
Any person who has questioned his or her spirit and how it yokes with God knows that to live in the fear of "What if" is to be repelled, that it is nothing but a hindrance toward the peace that we aspire to reside in. My only goal at this time is to help others the way that I have been helped, with the hope that I will be long-suffering, as love truly is. God speed that my method be revealed soon enough.
But years ago I relied on the front-line Christians to sooth my nervous spirit, and they delivered. And on November first, All Saints' Day, I was dismissed from all anxiety: I had made it through another Halloween.
Those people who I looked up to aren't around anymore in that same capacity. They got married, became involved in new activities, or simply lost interest in evangelizing. This morning I have been thinking, as I have been writing of late, of the people I looked up to who are no longer around. I realize that it's not fair to place burdens on people, or to box them in so that I can have a go-to when needed. Not only were they not professional exorcists, people are creative and need the fluidity to transform as we move through life and all the interesting parts of it that might influence and inspire us.
But it in turn has inspired me to question what my ultimate goals are. I know my offline life is much different from my online life. My offline life I clean compulsively, take care of animals, study ballet, have coffee with a few people who I am close to, and go to work at an entry-level job. But my online life I am an intellect, a revolutionary, a prophet. And it is here that I can really focus and hone my mind and audience.
I don't want to be like those Christians who just stopped being a mouthpiece for Christ, or the New Age gurus who fell apart once they stumbled on a pebble along their path. I seek a conviction that will withstand the coarse seasons in order to remain a bright light. Jesus said what good is salt once it loses its saltiness? Every person I have relied on lost their flavour, but at the end of the day it's between me and God and no one else. I'm the only one who I can change, and I wish all the others well, perhaps they weren't on their true path to begin with and this is necessary and good.
Now I prepare to re-group. I have knowledge in many fields, and while I can now interconnect them, welding them can be a stumbling block for anyone who is as I was, and those are the people who I am most interested in reaching. People who are lost, afraid, and desperate for direction. Focussing on one method would be the most effective tactic, however that presents a danger in becoming rigid. When a person is rigid, they risk breaking under resistance, rather than bending and adjusting to challenges.
But now that I have passed through the test of being in the world and not of it, the concern of succumbing to the pressure isn't so much the concern as it once was. External expectations and desires don't hold much power over me today because the refiner's fire removed the lust for the connection that I thought I needed. I know today that it will only ever be me, and the foot of the Cross.
It would be tragic to go on the way I have been, relying on people when I am the one who has the strength, looking for guidance when I am the one who has the answers, seeking out teachers when I'm the one who has the discipline. But would I be better a hermit than to become a traitor to my cause, as so many others who have come before me have?
Any person who has questioned his or her spirit and how it yokes with God knows that to live in the fear of "What if" is to be repelled, that it is nothing but a hindrance toward the peace that we aspire to reside in. My only goal at this time is to help others the way that I have been helped, with the hope that I will be long-suffering, as love truly is. God speed that my method be revealed soon enough.
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