What I Deserve

"Taking credit where credit is due shouldn't make us feel guilty any more than taking a paycheck at the end of a hard week. We deserve what we have earned." - Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem

I have been reflecting on the word "deserve" the past few months. For years that word agitated me, and when people would talk about deserving something I would think, "Says who?" But today I see that my aversion to "deserving" good things is not only a result of having low self-esteem, it ultimately was a result of false humility. I was adamant that credit was to be given to God alone.

My real "ah-ha" moment came a couple of weeks ago when I realized that I actually do like the word "deserve". In fact, I loved it, and I used it quite often - to demean myself. I deserved to fail, I deserved to be lonely,  I deserved a low-paying job...The redeeming moment being when I realized I was unbalanced. And in so maybe I can in fact "deserve" to be loved, prosperous, and contributive. Now I know that I can recognize what I have earned, and still thank God for working through me to lead to success, and a huge part of this is having an improved self-image as I feel more connected to being human and less invested in the fallacy of perfectionism.

It wasn't until I commenced to loosen myself of puritanical black-white-thinking that I began to see I wasn't really as wretched as I identified myself to be, and that discrediting myself wasn't really glorifying God or acting humble, it was just self-loathing that was keeping me away from constructive goals and healthy people.

In a world of fast satisfaction and detached disposal, I had a phony sense of righteousness, rebuffing myself of any good thing while still mindlessly consuming at whim. And when someone would show me approval or appreciation, I shied away in apprehension of being convinced I would simply let that person down on the next dreaded occasion.

It might take a while to reverse the patterning of self-deprecation and deprivation, but I can see now that yes, of course I do deserve my paycheck, so if I can translate that understanding into earning other good things that I work toward, I can graciously accept love, promotion, and rest.

Ultimately I had been mistaking the word "deserve" with "entitled", along with not really understanding the challenges that come with low self-esteem, guilt, self-hatred, and trauma. Because to recognize those setbacks takes just as much work as the setups for the rewards in life, and I was doing neither. I was judging a book by its cover and judging others on the perceived audacity they exerted with their warrant for a life beyond simply surviving. It was an insane cycle I suffered through.

So what do I deserve? I deserve my spiritual paycheck - which is my allowance from God. That includes the respect of myself and of others, love, compassion, companionship, friendship, to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated, and to establish and maintain boundaries.

Today I understand my limitations. I understand I will not get everything I want as fast as I want it and that working diligently might not always bear the fruit I want. And this is where trusting in God and His will for me comes into play. I also understand that living in humility isn't a verdict to underachievement in some superficial excuse to be "relatable". Humility is about respecting my shortcomings, honouring my restrictions, and taking pride in everything that I do, no matter how mundane.

Not as the World Gives

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14.27, ESV)

I've been meditating on what it means to a Christian to have peace, and the answer that I received is to have the forgiveness of God. Something that does not give me peace, is when I am held in contempt for either decisions or for mistakes that I have made. As I recognize the major players in my life who have made it clear they don't want me around, I feel sadness and rejection. In this pain I asked God how I reconcile the irreconcilable. Why does Jesus say time and again, "Do not worry", and yet I do? And then I was led to the foot of the cross.

A piece of the problem I experience regularly is not quite fitting in to an identity where I feel that I can rest, no matter the discipline. Even in the Christian community, I can't get a foothold. It is a constant battle of "the right side", and I don't fit the mold no matter what denomination I turn to (which is partly why I started my Facebook page, Wisdom in Christ Ministries). 

One particular group that I have been blocked from on two fronts, but who I can still access through more public means such as channels and pages, talks about us as Christians not having to perform works to be saved, that good works is a result of, not a way to, salvation. It seems like a nice idea, but I felt something was missing. The example of seeing Jesus on the cross and saying to him, "Well, I can see you're suffering for me, but here I've done this and this and this, just in case I'm not actually covered." didn't seem a sufficient point. 

What I came to believe in my mediation is that Jesus suffering on the cross doesn't mean that I am cleared on the earthly plane, it means that I am forgiven by God. Furthermore, that I don't need to exert my will to be forgiven, the same way the reformed Christians assert grace by trying to comprehend and then negate works, favouring only faith. I now understand Jesus on the cross to mean forgiveness in the most complete sense, so that I CAN have his peace even when I can't get forgiveness from others. 

I can't control other people, but I can change the way I feel about myself. Perfectionism is a characteristic of dishonesty, which is the real offense. If I can't be absolved by this world's standards, I know unequivocally now that I can be by God's standards. My heart and my will can change, and the actions that follow can be the real works that demonstrate God's peace working through me. 

c/o anniebananie13, redbubble

From Lack to Fulfillment

It's important for me to meet people where they are. Being able to do this is a gift of my recovery. It means respecting others' boundaries while honoring my own. It also means that I stop fighting God's will. This permits the entering of God's grace which provides the peace that I've been seeking.

Of course it can be hurtful to not get my way, but I have learnt that I cannot change or control people, and using anger or intimidation as a means to an end is no longer acceptable. Everyone to some degree is spiritually sick, and when I can accept that, I can choose paths to walk along that are safe for me. When I live and let live, I am building up my integrity, and breaking cycles of codependency.

And when I choose paths that move away from people who I would initially rather not part from, I know today that doesn't mean I have to stop caring for them. Prayers are powerful mediums to stay connected to people, even when we are no longer around them physically. I have experienced and heard stories of intercessory prayer working miracles in people's lives, both in receiving and bestowing blessings.

Being able to accept others as they are doesn't mean that the letdown is lessened, it simply means that I can acknowledge there are mysteries yet to be solved. When I can keep an open mind and entertain the possibility of something wonderful planned for me, or of trauma healing or a heart mending, it makes the unknown a little less scary. Because in the final analysis, my desperation to control is all rooted in fear that I will be left unprovided for. When I live and let live, I say no to deception, and that is empowering.

Being able to live and let live provides a relief for me to breathe and prepare for possibilities that I can't even fathom in the moment. The greatest setback for me during attacks of fear is an inability to act due to paralysis. This is a completely normal reaction to a threat, but it becomes unhealthy when there is no threat, which there usually is not. Again, deceit bullies me into a state of powerlessness and the solution to that is acceptance.

The problem with acceptance is that the immediate acknowledgement that I can't change a person or situation is more painful than the compulsion to believe I can. But that is only a moment when the band aid is being ripped off. After that, I see a self-imposed wound that is now closed up and is healing. It is healing because it is God's will to, and that's why the gaps in my understanding were being closed up before I even knew to release from my disillusionment.

While there is no immediate gratification in acceptance, there is dignity. While character building is often not the preferred choice, it is the best choice. When I choose character building over my instincts to scheme and manipulate, the energy that I am infused with ends up being more rewarding than acting on impulse. Instead of releasing tension through knee-jerk reactions, I am filled up with nourishing soundness of mind, and that is the real safety that I am seeking in my moments of fear.

December 13 (Devotional)

Today I will pray earnestly. I accept impulsive choices I made that hurt myself and others, and am open to new possibilities. I forgive myself.

All I ask God is to place me where I can be of the most service. While I still have necessities that need to be taken care of, God will account for them. I know the root of my problem is a belief of separation that causes me to act from a place of lack. While this can cause a painful ending, it can be turned into a healthy beginning of something better. Today I have support that I am not afraid to reach out to.

Painful choices can transform into healing outcomes of love and compassion. I can use my experiences to help me grow. If I can get out of the way of my own self, I can be the light that God created me to be. A difficult experience can be transformed into a message of hope and strength.

Rising Sun by Kumiko Mayer

A Blazing Fire

"O sudden resurrection!
O countless blessings!
O blazing fire
in the jungle of thoughts!
Today, you arrive with laughter
to break open the jail." - Rumi

There is such a relief to accept spiritual defeat. It took years to admit that I wrestle with God, and after the most challenging month of my life, where I experienced bouts of textbook depression, I felt confident in my decision to take a step back from publically sharing my learnings and revelations, though I did for the most part continue to maintain my Facebook page, Wisdom in Christ Ministries.

But God keeps bringing me back to a blazing fire to be used as a light for those so deep in chaos and separation that there seems no exit out of the darkness. I can't seem to stay down for too long.

To be human is to err. I have discovered that all of the work and all of the intentions I can muster will invariably not always suffice. At some point I will folly for two reasons: 1) There will always be a part of me that will try to play God, and 2) I was destined to make destructive choices that, once recovered from, will transform to become a message of encouragement for others.

I think of the priests and the spiritual leaders who consistently carry the message of God and salvation, though surely there are moments of deep sin where it seems unbearable to go on - but they do. I was so wrapped up in ego that once I reached a level of honesty on my journey toward my God-given direction of regeneration, I didn't find it compatible to have a message of vindication and also be in the mire.

But what I have noticed is that times of reflection can be part of the process to being a continuous mouthpiece of God. It is in those dark nights were I rally the strength to reemerge with more hope, more understanding, and more compassion.

I know people so deep in separation from God that it really seems impossible for them to escape. They are so entangled in roots of deception that they actually believe to be saved spiritually would mean to die physically. But I know the truth, irregardless of their shortcomings, and that is those roots of deception are actually burrowed in shallow ground, and hope of a renewed life is just below the surface, ready to be resurrected.

When I have this gift of knowing God's truth, I realize that while I wore a mask for many years, that time permitted me much studying, and with that came much confidence and opportunities for even greater learnings on life's amazing mysteries.

It's hard to fathom living a life where I do not fall short of the glory of God, but with hard work and trust that times of evaluation do in fact pass, setbacks are really just impartial problems looking to be solved. It's easy for my mind to get confused, but today I know that no person trumps over me, because I am a child of God, and so is everyone else. What I have learned today is there are mistakes that we make, but with willingness, there is no sin that is permanent.

There is always help when we ask for it, whether from God or from a trusted person. A spiritual adviser, a doctor, a counselor, a family member, a best friend, a teacher...so many people are available to us to offer a different perspective, even if they don't have the solution to a problem. A second set of eyes can see a way of approaching an obstacle that can disrupt defeatist thinking, and that might be all that is needed to let the light of God come through and to make a change.

A Fact About the Word

I have looked at the world in absolutes for as long as I can remember, but today I understand people and situations to not be black and white. In this, I also guard against such rigid thinking and speaking, because when I slip into it, I believe that to be a backslide on my spiritual progress.

In my new understanding I also accept that people (me) are not capable of being 100% "good" 100% of the time. In varying testing situations, I might be able to think the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, but there will inevitably come an event in time where I am in desolation and will not by human nature be able to resist corruption. This is how I know that absolutism (perfectionism) is not possible. My nature is in its most basic form instinctual, and in that state I am capable of extreme harm.

I can easily place myself in situations where I become physically ill from my desperate acts to control. I find myself on these battlegrounds, because I won't surrender to God when I am losing: I simply exert what resources I have left. I am so egotistical that I think I can take on the universe, and win. Despite the facts of defeat, I still think I am calculated enough to, most notably through words, get what I want even knowing I am finished. This last attempt at manipulation is what brings me down every time.

But it is in these  testing circumstances that I can still bring God back in - by letting my own intentions go, and by letting Him decide where I am to move next. If I can let go(d), I can in fact evade my instinctual drive to destroy in moments of intense stress. I can remove myself from conditions where it is simply not human nature to live by Godly standards.

I now understand what I have been told the past decade - it is God who runs the show, and I am today able to live in my faith, believing that it is God who creates through His Word. I am merely an emulation of His creation, and I choose to live in accordance with His will, not resist it by trying to speak my own desired outcomes into being.

The Preaching Of The Antichrist by Luca Signorelli

Anger is not Preemptive

"Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress." - Bill Wilson, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (93)

Who knew that I would be able to heal from an ailment for which some spend years in therapy searching after, by sheer trial and error. But indeed while people helped out of service during the more difficult moments, the price was still high. It cost many relationships and friendships, many hours squandered, and many opportunities lost. But today I have the solution to my chronic and soul crushing problem, and that answer is honesty. Not bluffing when the chips are down, and looking within to see where I let myself  slide by my own doing, usually bringing others down with me.

The introspection is necessary, and the first step, but actually applying that knowledge is the key to turn the door which opens to freedom from the obsessive need to control, and which is just an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had no idea that I was using anger as a method to control people when they made me feel afraid. It wasn't until I reconciled with a friend that I saw my fear of rejection and abandonment motivated me to use intimidation to succumb people to my wishes. I was a tyrant, giving people a warning of consequences that would be felt should I not be appeased, and then a victim when my plans failed and I was left lonely.

No - intellectualizing fear, knowing that a hundred forms of it is the cause of all of my troubles and is the diseased root that needs to be pulled out, was not enough to keep me from making mistakes time and again when they were disturbed. I needed a real preemptive plan in order to resist its acting out when aggitated. While I needed to truly know the motivation behind my anger, I more so needed to apply my method in peacetime. This is the tricky part, because human nature isn't to go into action when comfortable or rested.

What needed to change in me what a commitment to myself to adjust, and this meant to start the process in the mundane when I am relaxed enough to be flexible. An open mind is a prerequisite to transformation, as well as a willingness to apply my technique during monotony. These two base points prepare for action, which is crucial. Because when the lights are on and I share the stage with others, there isn't time to go back and read my lines. I need to anticipate my next move before the play begins, before the tension, before the inevitable fallout.

Pain is no longer something to be avoided, it is of God just as much as joy is. The sooner I find the blessing in a circumstance, the sooner I can learn from the pain and apply the lesson to heal one more cut from the claws of egoism. The less deep the cut, the less chance of infestation from it festering without being treated. Then I take what I have learned and everyday declare what I will do differently, and this is where my recovery is.

Holy Spirit Dove Painted Stained Glass,
Daniel White