What I Deserve

"Taking credit where credit is due shouldn't make us feel guilty any more than taking a paycheck at the end of a hard week. We deserve what we have earned." - Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem

I have been reflecting on the word "deserve" the past few months. For years that word agitated me, and when people would talk about deserving something I would think, "Says who?" But today I see that my aversion to "deserving" good things is not only a result of having low self-esteem, it ultimately was a result of false humility. I was adamant that credit was to be given to God alone.

My real "ah-ha" moment came a couple of weeks ago when I realized that I actually do like the word "deserve". In fact, I loved it, and I used it quite often - to demean myself. I deserved to fail, I deserved to be lonely,  I deserved a low-paying job...The redeeming moment being when I realized I was unbalanced. And in so maybe I can in fact "deserve" to be loved, prosperous, and contributive. Now I know that I can recognize what I have earned, and still thank God for working through me to lead to success, and a huge part of this is having an improved self-image as I feel more connected to being human and less invested in the fallacy of perfectionism.

It wasn't until I commenced to loosen myself of puritanical black-white-thinking that I began to see I wasn't really as wretched as I identified myself to be, and that discrediting myself wasn't really glorifying God or acting humble, it was just self-loathing that was keeping me away from constructive goals and healthy people.

In a world of fast satisfaction and detached disposal, I had a phony sense of righteousness, rebuffing myself of any good thing while still mindlessly consuming at whim. And when someone would show me approval or appreciation, I shied away in apprehension of being convinced I would simply let that person down on the next dreaded occasion.

It might take a while to reverse the patterning of self-deprecation and deprivation, but I can see now that yes, of course I do deserve my paycheck, so if I can translate that understanding into earning other good things that I work toward, I can graciously accept love, promotion, and rest.

Ultimately I had been mistaking the word "deserve" with "entitled", along with not really understanding the challenges that come with low self-esteem, guilt, self-hatred, and trauma. Because to recognize those setbacks takes just as much work as the setups for the rewards in life, and I was doing neither. I was judging a book by its cover and judging others on the perceived audacity they exerted with their warrant for a life beyond simply surviving. It was an insane cycle I suffered through.

So what do I deserve? I deserve my spiritual paycheck - which is my allowance from God. That includes the respect of myself and of others, love, compassion, companionship, friendship, to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated, and to establish and maintain boundaries.

Today I understand my limitations. I understand I will not get everything I want as fast as I want it and that working diligently might not always bear the fruit I want. And this is where trusting in God and His will for me comes into play. I also understand that living in humility isn't a verdict to underachievement in some superficial excuse to be "relatable". Humility is about respecting my shortcomings, honouring my restrictions, and taking pride in everything that I do, no matter how mundane.