The release of self through denial of self

Note: Upon proof-reading I noticed there are lot of "I"'s in this piece, and while that might be a red-flag in terms of the self-absorption that I rebuke, I do not believe that to be so in this case. It is necessary to clear out the junk within self, before going out into the world to help others. Jesus said to love God, and to love our neighbours AS ourselves. This, to me, implies that we must first and foremost be healed, before helping others to heal.

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I had a great talk last night with my friend who I lost a bit of touch with. I told her about the challenges that I was going though, and how while I had the peak of my hardship last Thursday, I also had what I truly believe to have been my (real) spiritual awakening. She said that she's found the most incredible growth and "ah-ha" moments have come after coming out of a major challenge. I really believe this now - my growth and awareness, as well as my connection to God, self, and others, has been incredible even though at the time I couldn't see the light that was to come after the night.

I believe that I had what was my spiritual experience one week ago today, because even though I have had a drastic outlook in the way I interpret situations, and the way I consequently react to them for the last little while, it wasn't until last week when it was infused in my heart what "faith without works" truly means. 

And it happened at a time when I was struggling the most, and I knew it. Bill W. also had his spiritual experience when he came to understand that he was not able to manage, so I take that and see they are similar situations, where the love of God infused us, and we knew intuitively that we were going to be okay. 

I have been in the depths of selfishness and self-pity - the root of all of my problems, but when I am "in" it, I really don't *want* to get out of it. This, to me, is what mental illness really is - the complete inability to resist a powerful subconscious takeover of will that is justified in the comforting feeling of despair. 

I am really understanding that not only can we "work" and co-operate with God by accepting His grace and thereby healing from disease, "works" is really the sacrificial love that we offer to each other - that is where recovery and salvation really come from. I didn't "know" this. I didn't care about the newcomer, and I didn't care to really be of service to any groups. And my refusal to help others was really where the curse of selfishness, self absorption, and self-righteousness would infest.

I have sincerely been happier since I came to realize that I can turn my thoughts around by getting back to a healthy work ethic and by caring about the well-being of others. And as in God's perfect timing, I had lots of visits with lots of amazing people over the weekend. That, along with my new outlook and change in attitude, prepared me for what has been a great week, which I haven't had in months. 

When I am in the thick of it, I sit in it. That's been my experience. So, while life will throw it's curve-balls, I work to maintain the perfect hope that I will reach a level where I do not need to learn from hardship, but rather that I maintain strength through helping others with their burdens, and being proactive in nurturing the "good" in my life, before I let it get compromised.  

Walking through despair

My messages today are to be relieved of the pain that I have been experiencing for over two months now. I am past grieving - I gave myself one month (a little more than) to mourn the loss of my land, and I saw this as acceptable as on the day I decided that I would no longer bereave, I read in Deuteronomy that the Israelites mourned the death of Moses for one month, as was accustomed. I was satisfied to stop wallowing in my sadness, but in truth I held on to the pain. This is for a couple of reasons I think. 1) I am inherently a fearful person and while I am happy in my new home, I await crisis far greater than what I have so far experienced, and 2) I find comfort in the melancholy. 

Then, in my decision to "move on", I stopped writing, and I think that is a third reason why I have been in such a deep funk that I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am a dry drunk, for the first time at four and a half years of sobriety. Strangely enough though, as I feel I peaked in my misery yesterday, I also believe I had my spiritual awakening. I had my "ah-ha" moment of faith and works, after discussing the grace of God and our (in)ability to do good works, this entire week (and which was truly an exhausting but clearly fruitful discussion between several people). 

In the truth of God, there is hope, faith, and love, and Apostle Paul told us that the greatest is love. This was very hard for me to understand, as we are saved through faith. What can be greater than salvation? But if I don't love others, then I do not really have faith, for "agape", saving love is what Jesus gave to us. It is a fact that I cannot love, if I am self-absorbed in my hurt feelings.

What is supposed to make humans different from other mammals is that we have the ability to reason and create. While I assume to Native American belief that ALL life is sacred, I don't want to live as other organisms in nature - I want to add value. When I am suffering, I am in survival mode: I am simply putting one foot in front of the other and counting the minutes and hours until I can retire for the night.

And worse yet - I am viewing the world as inherently flawed: a design gone wrong, nothing more than organisms living without meaning, people who are lonely, pollution to the earth on a wide and criminal scale, deforestation, corrupt leaders, people in such poverty they don't even have clean water, people hurting each other, sometimes in the most cruelest way, and even en masse, and animals and insects habitually fighting for often scarce food and resources, having to give way so that a more powerful organism can live on.

I am probably at the lowest point in my life. Normally when I get this bleak, it doesn't last long, just a moment here and there. But this time it's been days, and it's been consistent throughout the days. I think I might be in full-flight depression. I have never felt worse about myself, or so it seems. I probably did feel worse about myself when I was not sober, but that time is far enough in the past now that I do not easily recall it (nor want to). I ultimately was given two major stressors within one month of each other (Moving for the first time in 40 years, and turning 40 which was always my "I am officially old" age), and though I know it is not unbearable, it is extremely tiring. That said, I know without doubt that this will pass, and I suspect it will pass sooner than later.

Now that I know that the solution is love, I want to work through my issues, and in this new found determination and self-respect, I believe that the universe will place the right people in my path to walk alongside me as I complete my transition. If I cannot be of service, my life is utterly meaningless, so I refuse to be enveloped in dejection any longer.

If memory serves...

I've been thinking about the state of my memory this past weekend. Sometimes it's photographic: I can recall conversations verbatim, I can remember what I wrote or read and where to find it, or instructions, but other times I can't recall without effort what I did the day before. And it's always strenuous for me to go back through the day if I ever do an evening inventory of how my spiritual work went.

And I think I realized why I have this discrepancy - it's because when something is finished, or has been completed, it loses its significance, and I subconsciously do not want to take up "storage" in my brain. 

This is just something that I am contemplating, because I don't like looking inconsistent, especially when having integrity is a vital characteristic for spiritual, or for any, leaders. 

My spiritual name

I received my spiritual name from New Mexico this morning: Japa Dyal Kaur (pronounced "jap-ah dee-ahl car``). At first I was shocked. The letters seemed just wrong, like jumbled up or something. A wave of panic set in and I thought for a nanosecond to request a new one.  But after I read the meaning of the words, and let it "sink in" I am absolutely elated, I really love it!

I have "waited" to receive my spiritual name, as commonly given in the Kundalini yoga community, for 13 years (Today is Friday the 13th - coincidence?) I was so afraid to, I wouldn't even ask my yoga teacher for one, and he trained directly under the Yogi who brought this discipline to the West in the late 1960's (and who has been commissioned to write his authorized biography). 

But on Wednesday, exactly one week after my milestone 40th birthday (possibly the most holy number in history), I was moved fully by the Spirit to request for one. I offered my story and intentions; I say offered because it wasn't a prerequisite, and I didn't even make the suggested minimum payment (I most certainly must give back to the 3HO Foundation, and I will). I was told it would take up to four weeks - which was a longer wait time, almost like a penalty for not making a monetary offering. I was given my name by the second day. There was a real connection, even though it was done online, and this is probably the biggest reason why I cherish it so much.

So now to say what it means - Japa means to repeat, Dyal means kindness and compassion, and Kaur, which is the last name and given to all females, means lioness, and it represents the strength and grace provided by God. Together it means, "The princess who embodies divine kindness and compassion to the world, through the constant repetition of God's name". WOW. This is actually what Apostle Paul says God's will is.

The idea is that the more we use and hear our names, we really live up to what they mean. A lot of people even legally change their name to their spiritual name. I thought I would use my name as a pseudonym, and maybe write an anonymous manifesto, but I love this name so much, I want to openly use it. I am not sure how I will now, maybe if or when I teach.

It can definitely seem cultish; Kundalini Yoga is a real community where many practitioners live in ashrams, wear certain clothing, which include turbans, eat certain foods, and have specific instruction for spiritual practice. Since I have started yoga I became a ballerina (which is also its own culture in a way), a Christian, and now a follower of mystery schools and Native American tradition, so I can assure my friends and family that no, I will not be changing my name and going off to live in a commune. I can almost promise this (almost - I pretty much know not to make promises anymore, which is possibly a whole other article).

Thanks for reading, and, Sat Nam!!

"In the Name of the Cosmos which prevails through everyBODY, and the Holy Nam which holds the world",

Japa Dyal Kaur

Healing past hardship

In times of emotional and spiritual hardship it is time to retreat. Not alienate, not even sit and mediate all day, though maybe an extra prayer or two is useful. I really don't like it when my cross feels too heavy, when I feel that I don't have anyone to talk to who understands, when I feel shame for choices that I have made or not made.

A message that I have received this weekend though is to not let the guilt keep me from continuing to worship God, which is to renew my mind. And I cannot renew my mind when I am not cleaning out the garbage that I am letting accumulate in it. It is exhausting to sit in self-pity, and I think that's why in times of deep confusion, anger, and melancholy, it's time to rest, and not engage so much, not try to inspire so much, and accept that I don't have all the answers and cannot always practice what I so dearly want to preach. 

But it can also be a time to connect, to get more honest, to remember who's supporting us, or who's blaming us. Times of hardship can be the best times to reevaluate and redirect; they can in fact be wonderful opportunities to heal from the wounds that invariably led to a seemingly hopeless situation. 

By the grace of God, I don't stay down for too long. He knows my purpose is to help others and that I get very sad when I feel I am in no position to do so. So people are placed in the right place at the right time with the right words, and it all comes back together, enough that I can practice the gratitude that I need in order to remember how incredibly blessed I really am.

Because that is the real tragedy, to be so self-absorbed that I neglect or take for granted my gifts, both my creative and physical gifts. A willing spirit that keeps me reading and writing, a healthy body that keeps me dancing and moving, a nice home that gives me a place to work and rest, clean water when so many people in this world don't have that necessity of life, a job so that I can buy food, two parents who support me emotionally and materially, a few friends who remind me that I am loved, and most of all, which can be the hardest to appreciate, sobriety which gives me self-respect.  

I needed to release, I needed to mourn and resist and be afraid. I needed to express imperfection, mania, and depression, but I believe that time is up. Or at least, I want it to be up. I am not sure I will ever really be whole, but I actually really don't mind trying.

My castle behind

I am in exile. But all is not lost.

Two cups remain that can overfloweth, or not.

Three cups have spilled, and that's what I see

While on this island, my castle behind me.

My green cloak is dirty, my crown is askew

I ponder my loss, and I think about you

And the trees and the flowers, not blossomed in years

So why would it matter for any more tears?

Two cups are upright, behind me as one

But if I turn around I will see evil has won

Though if I look down at spilled cups only I'll see 

misery and loss that does now surround me.

Above too is foreign; while I've never been there

I've heard many stories of others who've shared.

They speak of peace and hope though it's hard to believe

When only devastation does surround me.

But above there's no ending, only my sight

Perhaps it is time to know that there might

be something beyond what eyes cannot see

Because perhaps consequence is not destiny.

Love, not need

There is a popular concept in the New Age movement about being complete in oneself, and this is most evident in the "Twin Flame" community. A twin flame is said to be two halves of one soul that were separated upon being incarnated on Earth, where the two halves would learn valuable lessons of ascension, and then finally reunite to be one soul and live happily ever after. Well, mostly. Generally, twin flames are not thought to typically unite in the third dimension, where the teaching of being "whole" in oneself is to really be the primary purpose in ones' voyage. 

That said, this idea of being complete in oneself in the TF community is more like damage control than I think a genuine teaching, because sadly the TF community ultimately becomes a cesspool of depravity, from being a support group for dangerously obsessive people to disrespect the boundaries of their crushes, to going as far as encouraging people to break up relationships to be with the person's "true" soulmate.

But what really shocked me this evening was when I heard it in a Christian community. That is, being complete in oneself. Now there is always something to be said for context and "poor" editing, but in the preview for the show it was a husband and a wife (or soon-to-be so), and he said, with her right beside him, "I love her, but I don't need her." NOW, I really do understand what he meant - that as humans the only thing we really need is God, but this is called "false humility". Adam needed Eve - that is why God created her. 

Humans have needs in the material, that God in the spiritual offers us to use through his grace and favour. So yes, sir, you DO need your wife, it is NOT "codependent" to rely on your partner, and frankly, if a man said to me that he didn't need me, I would hope to God that I would have the self-worth to walk away!!

Perhaps it is in the blending of Eastern philosophies with Christian theologies that is becoming more acceptable today, but to dismiss that God gave us each other, whether as lovers, friends, neighbours, teachers, students, whatever, as being something to "pass time" with, and being someone to "love" but to not "need", is very twisted.

I love and I need the people in my life. Will I fall away and perish if they die or leave me? No, I am an autonomous person who can work and who can pay my taxes and who can afford to eat at least modestly. I can pray I can exercise, I can read I can write, I can listen to music, I can do all the things I love as a hermit, totally, but that is not how we were designed to live. That is not living a truly fulfilling life, because I am not unto myself and I do not believe that anarchy is a healthy lifestyle. 

People need people, that's why we all have different skills, so that we can come together and exchange goods and services and ideas and thereby have higher qualities of life. So the next time you think you don't "need" someone, especially a LOVER, just drop what you're doing and take a nap. For the love of God.