From within

I've been directed more and more that God is within, and that He has all Power to heal and guide me.

This is very frustrating, as I have always "needed" teachers to lead me to information and knowledge. But I forget that wisdom comes from mystical experience, and these teachers or leaders are not the source, only God working through me is the Source.

And though I feel no more confident in understanding this, today I do in fact understand this to be true, for I have sincerely exhausted all spiritual paths. I am given drops of water to be relieved of complete spiritual death, but really, there are no more guides, it is critical that I start accepting and believing that God is really all I need. This drought is withering me up, I am finally desperate enough to sincerely meditate. My hope is that I may pass on my guidance, as I do believe that we receive in giving, and as with my Program, it is time for me to give back, and become a teacher myself. I have benefited from teachers, including philosophers, for (exactly) twenty years, take take taking. It's no wonder that while I was so passionate for decades, am now so dejected.

I have been re-introduced to Doreen Virtue. Before my Christian days, I did go to her to for inspiration, though I have never had an infinity to angels; in fact, I have always been weary of them. However, three days ago (the day of the solar eclipse, NOT a coincidence) I watched her weekly card reading, just stumbling upon it. and I was transformed, and truly, healed. I have taken that strength and carried it with me, which I believe to be God's blessing, for no Power is carried over into the next day, only through God's grace I am still strong from this reading. This is a sign for me that I am safe in my understanding and direction.

I haven't been in Virtue's circle for years, and when she referred to Christ in her video, I was happy, and thought it was so cool that she goes to an Anglican church. I thought, I don't remember her being a Christian. I even preordered her new book, which is daily affirmations rooted in the Bible.

Yesterday, I took a massive leap, and purchased her first deck of angel oracle cards. Then an hour later, I was shown that this year she took a huge change in direction, and renounced some of her work! From now on, the sales that she makes from her tarot cards, will be going to a Hay House (her publishers) charity, and in a years time, she will have her name entirely removed from them, and eventually they will be taken out of print (along with her Ascended Masters writings). This is really disappointing, and for me, just insane that I discovered this RIGHT after I made the purchase. However the silver lining is that this fascinating system will no longer "belong" to anyone, and this might benefit my studies if I do what I believe I am being called to do, which is to become a therapist/spiritual adviser.

I need to stop using people and things to be a means to an end, and only use them for a tune up. We go to God on our own, though today I do believe in angels, and know deep down that they are not some flaky new age invention. Angels really are messengers, guides, and the true lovers of God. I really hope to use angel therapy still, and maybe it can be the oil for the vehicle I travel by. I am hoping that Virtue can still be a guide for me, though from my own experience, no one ever truly comes back from a break the same way.

This blog has been called "From Within" for years. Maybe it's time I check in for messages, and being writing posts to reflect that. 

The offering

A cup of hot water
and a basket of fruit.
He walks to the altar,
and refutes the abuse.

In a moment it's over,
so time doesn't exist.
And though I have faltered,
it is healed with a kiss.

Not forgotten

There's nothing left to want,
And everything to need.
Surmised, but not forgotten;
Trespassing through the trees.

And when the clouds do wake,
And let out all their rain,
There I will be waiting
For you to come again.

The Quarry

I was going to interpret a few slogans last night, which I really was looking forward to, since I want to "formally" introduce myself to my new homegroup, but I wasn't feeling well, so I made the, I think, wise decision of staying in. I had prepared my introduction, and my first slogan that was inspired from the weekend, but for the most part, I try to speak as a blank vessel at an open meeting. 

Since it's about time for my July entry, this is the perfect opportunity for me to express what I didn't last night; and as previously noted, I am much better at writing, even though I write fast, because I write the way that I talk :)

The slogan that I most wanted to interpret, that I often stay away from because I like to stay off the beaten track, was By the Grace of God. By the grace of God, I was able to practice both patience and gratitude, two things that I would not be able to channel on my own power.

I went to a quarry just outside the city on Saturday, and it was a blessing and a curse. It was all so intense, I barely know where to begin.

The one friend who I have had since we were twelve is the one in the group who is a social butterfly (she has more than 1,000 people on her Facebook friends' list, to give an idea), and she also works hard at her friendships. She has always been the reason why I never fell out entirely with my childhood friends, and I have always been grateful for that, even though for the most part, I never followed up with her, or any of them. My alcoholism took me in a far different direction, and on Saturday, I has real insight as to why. 

Because of the work that I have done in the Program, alongside the outside help that I have received through medication, I no longer have anxiety. I have become stable and accepting of my past, and my mishaps, misdeeds, and misdemeanors. Therefore, I was fully comfortable leaving town with these childhood friends who had become adulthood strangers. 

All was perfect. I was able to show genuine interest, joke, be comfortable, and most importantly, what transformed the most, practice patience. As the Big Book says, I have been reborn. I think the greatest of all these, is the ability to practice patience, which came in the most handy when it took half an hour to get into the parking lot, due to overcrowding. But then, we got to the beach. And wow, was I ever transported back to my high school days. Every insecurity, every defect, every sense of self-loathing and all the feelings of inadequacies flooded back like the blue-green murky water that was in front of me. 

But I kept going, because that's the only way I know today. I saw that my friends were strategically and effortlessly changing under their towels, meanwhile I hadn't put on a bathing suit in maybe over ten years. I got to the outhouse, upset I didn't know where it actually was, and then put on my swim gear, and returned to the beach, trying to ignore the "cool" people sunbathing on the soft sand. We went into the water and I remembered that I can't swim, but that they are both certified swimmers. Again, within ten minutes, I felt "other than". 

Still, I have strength in sobriety and in the Steps, and I got into the water, which wasn't too cold at all. And I ignored that it was probably most definitely polluted. I got some new tips on how to tread water, and I genuinely appreciated the workout in my inner thighs and triceps that even ballet can't master (at the level that I'm at, at least). My friends took turns staying with me in the shallow end (at times one foot out where I couldn't touch the bottom). That was true gratitude for me. That was the pinnacle of the healing that day.

When I sincerely felt tired and fulfilled, I returned to the beach. Upon doing so, I felt awful. I didn't bring a book and the sun was too bright for me to go on my phone and properly see the screen. I just watched the gorgeous young girls with their perfect bodies, making up stories in my mind of how well loved they are, how much money they have, how many friends they have, how great the selfies they hare are, how this is just one of many fun times they'll have this summer...Then I looked at the group behind me, the cool kids, with the equal amount of boys and girls, looking like bosses....

But I was able to take it back to my Program. I got dressed back into my comfortable clothes, wearing shorts for the first time in a long time that the sun could see, I had a corner where I felt comfortable, I had a rock to lean against, with an extra towel to put behind my back so it didn't poke into me, there was excellent music playing, and I was getting a tan on my legs which was really helpful for my new confidence in wearing shorts and dresses without nylons. Then I saw a group beside me, and they were like me, and suddenly all of this noise, these obsessions and the energy it took to combat them really didn't mattered. They were loud, drinking (trying to cover up drinking), getting high (disappearing and then coming back looking different), smoking....slaves to addiction, and with a kid there, as well. I blessed them, and I prayed that the child would rise about that familial disease. I felt triggered, very triggered. I felt like I didn't know why I was trying so hard to be this new person.

Fortunately, a greater thought than my sickness came, and I thought, wow, I am free. I am free, of the bond to addiction. I am back with my friends, who after spending a *little* too much time together and getting really frustrated with one of them by dinner time, I realized are not just my friends, they are my sisters. They are to me what my aunts are to my mom, and I know this to the bone. It melts me completely. It heals me utterly. I really am reborn. I haven't returned to the state of innocence that I was when we all met when we were twelve years old, I was innocent, PLUS accountable. 

I realized why I was gone, I really understood now. They didn't drink, they didn't get high, they don't smoke, they love nature, they love others, and for many, many, many years, they were not of me, and I was not of them. This is what addiction did to me. It ripped me apart. But today I see that not only did I survive, but that I have gratitude, and this is the cornerstone of my recovery, because all I have is a daily reprieve. I felt horrible things on Saturday, but I counteracted immediately. I fought it with success, because I want my life back. I want my friends back, and I want to do the simple things like be in the sun!

And now, I will.

Lest ye be judged

I am part of a real geek forum. It's a really long story how I got into it, but I barely relate to the posters. Not to say that I am cool. I think anyone who reads my blogs can see that I am on the outskirts of society, but I really do not have the "geek" persona. However I have enough "geek" material from the '80's and early '90's, when I played Nintendo and Sega Genesis, and read my brother's Marvel Comic books. I even "played" with the comics. My friend and I acted out the characters with our own story-lines, and I was "Rogue". I would also copy and colour the comic book covers. And truly, those where some of, if not the best, memories of my childhood. 

So I am in this group on Facebook, and the people are so dorky and good-natured. There are a lot of posts that I don't get the references to, but some I can participate in, because I know a little bit. For example I never even WATCHED Lord of the Rings, but I read The Hobbit fifteen years ago...so I have these little segways...

But a few days someone posted something about Carrie Fisher (soon after saying he knew it would "get" to someone, which actually made me feel a bit better). Her autopsy was released this week (or last week), and the amount of drugs that were found in her system actually makes me want to vomit. Coke, heroine, ecstasy....just tragic, really. But this image said that if we "judge" her, then we didn't "deserve" her. Well, being the good A.A. member that I am, who has recovered from alcoholism through the fellowship and the Steps, as guided by my sponsor, combined with my sincere dislike for the woman in general, took this opportunity to really unleash (and yes, a little to my regret).

It obviously did not go too well, other than I met two other female members who have the nearly exact same sobriety time as me. To the point it is fantastical, really (which is fitting, since the group is rooted in H.P. Lovecraft mythology). That was really cool, but ultimately, I pissed some people off. And naturally I got the "Who are you to judge...."

Which brings me to the message of this article. I have EVERY right to judge. And I know this to be true, because the ancient texts support that in this case, this IS true:

"With what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." - Matthew 7:2

I am fully OK being judged when it is regarding my alcoholism, because I am the type of member who believes that "hand-holding" is inappropriate in the Program, and if my sponsor didn't tell it like it is, and didn't call me out on my BULLSHIT, then I might not be sober today, because my break-up nearly killed me. Literally. 

People respond to kindness: it did so with my previous sponsor, and with my current sponsor (whose genuine kindness drew me to ask her to work with me), and it did so through me with my sponsee and my best friend in the fellowship. But when it comes to the work, when it comes to actually GETTING sober, "kindness" has no place. 

I HOPE if I ever fall, I will be brought in through compassion, tolerance, kindliness, and love, but if I stay, I hope that people don't twist the reality of the disease into "One day at a time". So judge me, I will stand before the Lord on the Last Day, and I will be accountable for the sins I committed in my active addiction, on my feet, because I know, and God knows, and everyone around me knows, that I ran the race, and I won.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4.7

Just say No

This will seem like a strange blog to most, especially since it is so different from my usual spiritual awakening/self-empowerment posts, but this, I really believe, is crucial to whoever (really, women) might find themselves in this position.

And as I mentioned in my The gifts of the Program article, I can now put up boundaries, and this was so difficult. I have heard for years about "boundaries", and it was so elusive to me that I honestly had no idea what they even WERE!

I am very active online, more so than real life. I have absolutely no problem with this, the world is digital and globalized, and information is free. The majority of my activity is in Facebook groups. Most of the real life ("IRL") people who I know use Facebook for your standard original means - to post pictures, and keep in touch with family and friends. But I came from the MySpace world, and when that site self-destructed, some of the posters moved over to start groups on Facebook, and I was fortunately added to them.

Since then I have branched off on my own, I am in just about no groups with my old MySpace peeps, and I am so active in these new groups that I have earned over 200 followers on Facebook through my participation.

And the past half year (nearly to the day) I have been truly and utterly devastated by a failed relationship, that no, I really did not apply my program to, and even for several months lied to my sponsor about. However, I nearly drank over it, which caused me an entire overhauling, where I absolutely went through the Steps really for the first time, with a phenomenal woman that is so good that I chose her, even though I have more sobriety than her. 

This sponsor taught me how to say "NO", and this morning, I had to, and it was uncomfortable. But not only did I have to do it, I had to fight the thought that I was being a "bitch". And in a sexist world, where, let's face it, most of us women have been sexually assaulted in some form, it can be REALLY hard to fight these predators. 

Yesterday a man in a group I regularly post in messaged me, I don't reply to random men who might message me, and they get filtered out, anyway. But he really got to me: I didn't even know what he looked like because his profile was private, but we connected on a "soul" level. For the first time since I was 12, Someone approached me in a really innocent way (or so I thought). At first I didn't talk to him, but he was so persistent, and I was so dejected from my ex, he kinda swept me off my feet, and by the end of my work day, I was looking forward to his messages. I am not proud of this, but this is what loneliness and rejection can do to us (me) - cause desperation. This morning he sent me a photo of himself, and he's not bad looking, really. Not that I thought we would run off into the sunset together, but I felt a bit better seeing that this guy wasn't exactly unattractive by my standards. 

At some point this morning, we got to talking about the suffocation of the Catholic Church, and the conversation turned to sex. Okay, well, the Church really does inhibit our sexuality, and I do think it's a disservice to us Catholics, but the conversation should have ended there (Really, it shouldn't have been brought up at all, but this is simply how it started).

Then he talked about orgasms. I didn't reply to that. Then he started talking about masturbation. And while it is irrelevant the tone or context of these subjects, I would in fact like to state that they were talked about in a really manipulative way - in other words, the way he approached these topics it seemed innocent and actually not invasive. But ladies, let's look at the facts. This stranger, began talking about sex, orgasms, and masturbation. Before I was healed through my program of recovery, I would have never seen this happening, or it being inappropriate. Maybe something deep down would have given me a red flag, but I know that my co-dependency would have kicked in, and I would have actually made an EFFORT to not offend him and continue engaging.

I knew that it wasn't my solution to just going to walk away from our messaging, so I had to be firm, and really, I saw it as another brick to lay in the wall in the mastery of self. He said he hoped that he wasn't being inappropriate, and I said, actually, yes he was. I then said that while I enjoyed our conversations, I was discontinuing the communication, and politely said that I would see him in the forum, with a smiley face. 

He said that he thought it was alright because we were both adults. This is an appalling response, and also devious. I did not reply, and since then he messaged me two times, trying to defend himself. I will never be messaging him back, because I set my boundaries on firm bedrock, and I will never need to cross that line again.

Ladies, it is NEVER okay for a man to talk you about sex, if it is uninvited. Something that I learnt in A.A. is that we start on the road to recovery with skewed sex histories - so much so that the majority of Step Four in the Big Book is dedicated TO SEX. (And this is true for men, as well). And I have also noticed we justify unacceptable behaviour from men, because we think that we deserve it, that we did something to warrant it. Even if we did act flirtatious, it is out RIGHT to end it, and to end it WITHOUT explanation, at that.

I cannot emphasize how important it is that we establish where we draw this line, and to not worry about hurting "feelings", and that we MUST resist wanting to "nurture" these men on the other side - even if they really don't mean any harm. (Though they probably do, through the form of control).

Thank GOD this man showed who he was and what his intentions were less than 24 hours into contact, but sometimes, it's not so clear-cut. If I did not keep a woman-based program, I am not sure I would have had the courage or strength to defend myself this morning. Please take care, please know who your real friends are, and please never stop working at defending your body, mind, and soul.

The lost sheep

I have always struggled with paranoia, but when I was a child, though blameless, I was truly terrified of God, or at least, of His Son. I would cry to my mother, "What if Jesus appears to me?" And she would, unsuccessfully, tell me that I would not be afraid, that I would feel warmth and love. 

And today I know why I was afraid - because I would be really fucked up when he would come. I was unemployed, and I was so intoxicated all the time, I couldn't even make it to my out-patient rehab sessions. But when Jesus actually did come to me, yes, I did feel love, or at least compassion. I was coming off a really bad drug, trying to manage it with weed. I was in a beautiful wooden two-story house in midtown, in a really strange position with a young man who would die of alcoholism a couple of years later, only in his early forties. The building has since been torn down for condos. I miss my time in that house, and I miss that man very much. They are gone forever, now.

But I digress. I won't describe how Jesus appeared, it was almost like a mirage, and it's hard to explain in a delicate manner, so for now I will just end by claiming that Jesus comes to us with Life when we are dying. It is in our darkness when He appears. This is why we follow Him. This is why we never wander. Because even though we may try, He always comes and finds us. Always.

"'I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.'" John 11.25-6