The Quarry

I was going to interpret a few slogans last night, which I really was looking forward to, since I want to "formally" introduce myself to my new homegroup, but I wasn't feeling well, so I made the, I think, wise decision of staying in. I had prepared my introduction, and my first slogan that was inspired from the weekend, but for the most part, I try to speak as a blank vessel at an open meeting. 

Since it's about time for my July entry, this is the perfect opportunity for me to express what I didn't last night; and as previously noted, I am much better at writing, even though I write fast, because I write the way that I talk :)

The slogan that I most wanted to interpret, that I often stay away from because I like to stay off the beaten track, was By the Grace of God. By the grace of God, I was able to practice both patience and gratitude, two things that I would not be able to channel on my own power.

I went to a quarry just outside the city on Saturday, and it was a blessing and a curse. It was all so intense, I barely know where to begin.

The one friend who I have had since we were twelve is the one in the group who is a social butterfly (she has more than 1,000 people on her Facebook friends' list, to give an idea), and she also works hard at her friendships. She has always been the reason why I never fell out entirely with my childhood friends, and I have always been grateful for that, even though for the most part, I never followed up with her, or any of them. My alcoholism took me in a far different direction, and on Saturday, I has real insight as to why. 

Because of the work that I have done in the Program, alongside the outside help that I have received through medication, I no longer have anxiety. I have become stable and accepting of my past, and my mishaps, misdeeds, and misdemeanors. Therefore, I was fully comfortable leaving town with these childhood friends who had become adulthood strangers. 

All was perfect. I was able to show genuine interest, joke, be comfortable, and most importantly, what transformed the most, practice patience. As the Big Book says, I have been reborn. I think the greatest of all these, is the ability to practice patience, which came in the most handy when it took half an hour to get into the parking lot, due to overcrowding. But then, we got to the beach. And wow, was I ever transported back to my high school days. Every insecurity, every defect, every sense of self-loathing and all the feelings of inadequacies flooded back like the blue-green murky water that was in front of me. 

But I kept going, because that's the only way I know today. I saw that my friends were strategically and effortlessly changing under their towels, meanwhile I hadn't put on a bathing suit in maybe over ten years. I got to the outhouse, upset I didn't know where it actually was, and then put on my swim gear, and returned to the beach, trying to ignore the "cool" people sunbathing on the soft sand. We went into the water and I remembered that I can't swim, but that they are both certified swimmers. Again, within ten minutes, I felt "other than". 

Still, I have strength in sobriety and in the Steps, and I got into the water, which wasn't too cold at all. And I ignored that it was probably most definitely polluted. I got some new tips on how to tread water, and I genuinely appreciated the workout in my inner thighs and triceps that even ballet can't master (at the level that I'm at, at least). My friends took turns staying with me in the shallow end (at times one foot out where I couldn't touch the bottom). That was true gratitude for me. That was the pinnacle of the healing that day.

When I sincerely felt tired and fulfilled, I returned to the beach. Upon doing so, I felt awful. I didn't bring a book and the sun was too bright for me to go on my phone and properly see the screen. I just watched the gorgeous young girls with their perfect bodies, making up stories in my mind of how well loved they are, how much money they have, how many friends they have, how great the selfies they hare are, how this is just one of many fun times they'll have this summer...Then I looked at the group behind me, the cool kids, with the equal amount of boys and girls, looking like bosses....

But I was able to take it back to my Program. I got dressed back into my comfortable clothes, wearing shorts for the first time in a long time that the sun could see, I had a corner where I felt comfortable, I had a rock to lean against, with an extra towel to put behind my back so it didn't poke into me, there was excellent music playing, and I was getting a tan on my legs which was really helpful for my new confidence in wearing shorts and dresses without nylons. Then I saw a group beside me, and they were like me, and suddenly all of this noise, these obsessions and the energy it took to combat them really didn't mattered. They were loud, drinking (trying to cover up drinking), getting high (disappearing and then coming back looking different), smoking....slaves to addiction, and with a kid there, as well. I blessed them, and I prayed that the child would rise about that familial disease. I felt triggered, very triggered. I felt like I didn't know why I was trying so hard to be this new person.

Fortunately, a greater thought than my sickness came, and I thought, wow, I am free. I am free, of the bond to addiction. I am back with my friends, who after spending a *little* too much time together and getting really frustrated with one of them by dinner time, I realized are not just my friends, they are my sisters. They are to me what my aunts are to my mom, and I know this to the bone. It melts me completely. It heals me utterly. I really am reborn. I haven't returned to the state of innocence that I was when we all met when we were twelve years old, I was innocent, PLUS accountable. 

I realized why I was gone, I really understood now. They didn't drink, they didn't get high, they don't smoke, they love nature, they love others, and for many, many, many years, they were not of me, and I was not of them. This is what addiction did to me. It ripped me apart. But today I see that not only did I survive, but that I have gratitude, and this is the cornerstone of my recovery, because all I have is a daily reprieve. I felt horrible things on Saturday, but I counteracted immediately. I fought it with success, because I want my life back. I want my friends back, and I want to do the simple things like be in the sun!

And now, I will.