Out with the old

This year coming up is especially important to me. I will be entering my fortieth year, and I have done enough healing work to now reap the fruits of my labour, and to furthermore focus on what I really want, while leaving behind what I don't.

2017 was one hell of a year, and it got sour by day 7, so this new year really isn't about it being a fresh start: chaos doesn't keep a calendar. But what matters is that my birthday is within the first quarter of the new year, so I am really putting a lot of effort into the "idea" of 2018. I am determined to not repeat the actions that do not lead to where I want to be, and I have already begun to let the things that have defined me for the past decade go.

I think I can say with confidence that my thirties were horrible. The crap that I put myself through, and for what? I have no real idea, and now I need to do some real damage control. The way that I defined myself, the way that I presented myself, the power that I gave to anyone other than myself - shall be no more. My biggest goal for 2018 is to not do anything that I did in 2017.

I have a lot to contribute to the world, and so I am now working on how to reveal my talents, which I am still discovering what those are (probably the most frustrating part). Real life hit me like a ton of bricks this year. I am still adjusting to this whole being an adult thing with sadly having nothing to show for it. That's where 2018 comes in.

Fires have gone out and I am exhausted, but I am not depressed. I know that while I am in position to reap some fruit, the cycle doesn't stop, and I must continue to cultivate my aspirations and move along in order to not only feel fulfilled, but to help others in their walks, as well.

It is time for me to transform, to leave the hurt and shame and guilt behind, and to become someone who is not only happy and free, but who can help others be that, as well. For me, the greatest gift is when my sheer presence makes someone feel safe. But today is different, because today I want to recognize my own needs, as well, and start to work toward doing what is necessary to meet my end goals. For the first time a new year really does mean out with the old. 

Just for today

Today I am being reminded that our present moments create our future. Someone who I have been blessed to have entered my life has taught me that "today" is what counts. "Today" is where my thoughts and my intentions really matter. He frustrates me, because one day he seems to be one place and the next day another, but ultimately, does that matter? No, because if he has his peace, then he is doing something very right.

And I recognize that while I have made mistakes moment to moment, every moment is in reality a blank slate. So maybe last night I had a moment that could have negatively impacted my morning today, but I didn't propagate it, and now it's like last night never even happened. This is the miracle of recovering from past traumas.

It might sound confusing, but in reality it is the most basic and reassuring way to live. I no longer am depraved, I no longer need salvation - I just need to live in the moment and remember that my past mistakes don't make up my present self, and that I can really change my direction with one mere step. And eventually, I'll have taken enough steps that I arrive at a destination where I really want to be.

Moving forward

It's much easier for me to take things in stride, or more so to stay focused on the task at hand. Something else that is improving is my ability to let go of thoughts and situations that can be harmful or suffocating to my spiritual (and therefore physical) health. 

Things that used to break me I can instead now recognize as not being God's will, and I can trust that there is something better, often something I can't even imagine at the time. I have suffered from giving other people so much power - I remember when I was in high school, a guy who I had a crush on threw a party and his house got trashed. He had to move out of the city to live with his dad, and I would call him. The next month my mom got the phone bill and said something I will never forget, "He sure isn't calling you." Wow, it was decades ago, but stings like it was yesterday, because it was true. This is a pattern for me - not caring enough for myself, when those around me who I am empowering, are doing just fine.

It can be hard to look out for myself though, because I like to people-please. This is not a good thing! People pleasing is not about being a selfless or kind person, it is about being co-dependent, which is rooted in dishonesty, resentment, and fear - it is a real sickness that can be damaging to all persons involved. In pushing through co-dependency habits, I now learn how to draw that line of being polite and parting company, and that might require guidance from someone who has gone before me in that path.

And yet today when I am feeling desperate, in survival mode, I know how to put first things first, which is to pray, and get my daily chores and duties done, even if I am exhausted. Right now I have to take it an hour at a time, actually half an hour at a time. Remorse and bitterness can overpower me and I don't always have my support system to carry me through to the next moment. This is when I try to take it easy, which for me means to not take things so seriously, and to trust the outcome. With practice though action and the encouragement from trusted people, having faith is getting a lot more easy.

In the moment

I have been pulling the same cards from my Dragon (Diana Cooper) and Unicorn (Doreen Virtue) card decks, so I am either not shuffling well (that's almost for certain), or the message needs to be reinforced for now. It seems to me that I should remember first and foremost to be grounded. That means no flowery excess, and no living in any other moment than now. 

Awareness is priority at this time, because I need to gracefully adjust and accept the changes that are coming into my life. While the changes are wonderful, I tend to "drop the ball" at crunch time. I suspect this has something to do with nerves, or with self-sabotaging/self-fulfilling prophecy. A big struggle also is an insatiable need for control, or conversely a nauseating fear of losing it, which can be excruciating, and typically precedes the crash and burn.

It's important for me to really know what I want, and what I don't want. Unfortunately, it is oftentimes difficult to understand that these are intertwined and so I must put them both into perspective - not at all easy! Therefore I will meditate on what I do want, so when the things I don't want seep in, like the intrusive thoughts that can lead to destructive actions, I will be so in-the-moment of living out my dreams and accomplishing my goals, that self-destructive habits cannot take over.

Breath is my greatest tool, and while the basic ingredient of life, also the most easy to neglect! But by remembering to breathe, I am instantly returned to the present moment, and that is where I begin to build. There ought to be no fear in creating, for as Dr. Kent M. Keith wrote, which was adopted by Mother Teresa, "What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway."

When in the present, life is not overwhelming, and the heavy burden of control is not on me. It's in the pure moments of being present where there is no fear and no consequence, there is only God and reassurance that if I follow certain guidelines, I will be more than alright. There is only the task at hand, and if I permit sanity through my breath, I am empowered to believe that everything will be alright, and that is where I find peace.

A prayer for the comfort of the world

Heavenly Father,
lift us up in our times of difficulty.
Remind us that we are your beloved, your masterpiece,
and that you wish us no harm.
Remind us that we can help ourselves and those around us,
by believing in your steadfast love,
which gives us the strength to carry on.

Plant in our hearts charity,
so that we may remember the needy
and keep them in our prayers,
especially during this sometimes difficult time of year,
so that we might give what we would rather not,
because we care about all life on earth,
and wish for all to live in dignity and hope.

Do not let us be discouraged
when we seem so small
For our prayers will reach others, as well as You.
And will be answered, by receiving Your peace.
Exult us, as we You, so that when the time comes
for us to be tested, we might be victorious
in knowing that we have done good.

Test the teachers

I am part of a from New Age to Christianity recovery group on Facebook, which is a bit of a long story so I'll try to summarize in a few sentences. I somehow came across one of Doreen Virtue's tarot card readings on YouTube, I don't even remember how, and thought it was amazing. I felt healed, and that feeling never really left me, and this happened in the summer. (That was to be one of her last readings). I then ordered a deck of her Angel Therapy oracle cards, and less than an hour later I came across another video saying that she was denouncing most of her work, because she converted to Christianity. Wow, that was a low blow for me, especially as a Christian I was always nervous about tarot and things like that. I joined a Doreen Virtue Angel Therapy group shortly after this shock (it really was a shock), and there I discovered that she was an administrator in the Christian group, which I promptly joined. She is really a nice lady, I like her a lot, but she left the group. She reportedly deactivated her personal account as she sorted out the challenges of transitioning from becoming a New Age guru (one of, if not the top selling authors and lecturers), however after spending a bit of time in this Facebook group, I think it is really because it is so extreme and fundamental, she in reality struggled with holding on to some of her New Age values while still fitting in.

Today's article inspiration is aided by my "Dragon Oracle Cards" by Diana Cooper, and the topic is on one of the threads that I posted in this morning. The person who started the discussion has a friend who is a wonderful woman, a nurse, and who is also a medium. She cannot reconcile that this friend of hers will go to hell, which all Bible-only believers will claim. Because it is a Bible-only group, and my favourite Facebook group, I play by their rules, so to speak, because I have great respect and even admire them. I don't engage in debate and I do not come from a Catholic stance. Lately, as I have been delving further into my New Age/Rosicrucian studies, most notably with cards decks, I have been less active in the group, but I tend to miss them. So this morning I visited and posted a bit. I exceptionally like Mondays, because they close on Sundays. While I try to keep my Catholic faith out of the group (it's a good idea to not irritate the administrators), today I just had to pipe in, and reassure her that according to Catholic Tradition, it is HIGHLY unlikely that her friend will go to hell.

And it reminded me of what my priest has drilled into me for years that never really registered until now: Catholics wrote the Bible - so therefore there is no way AT ALL, zero, zip, zilch way, that the Catholic faith is inconsistent, or contradicts the Bible. A-ha! Why on earth would the traditions not align with the Bible? The New Testament is very small, the apostles were being killed and they needed to ensure that the message of the gospel would be preserved, and so there is no detail of anything other than Jesus' birth, his message of healing and forgiveness, his death and resurrection, followed by some letters Paul wrote in order to help the early churches that were falling into dissent (growing pains).

The Catechism, the Catholic Church's official treaty, is about ten times thicker than the Bible, and THAT is where we go to understand the faith (the Bible). It can be surmised that any denomination other than Catholicism has fallen into the trap of abiding by man-made teachings (notable examples include Martin Luther, King James, King Henry VIII, and John Calvin), and have in one way or another misinterpreted the message of the gospel. While my favourite preachers are Reformed Christians (mostly Presbyterian), we are to TEST the spirits, for many false teachers have come into the world (1 John 4) and now I realize (Thanks be to God) what it means to test the spirits: Are the teachings in alignment with that of COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS? If there is any verse that has been used to condemn, then there is one conclusion: the interpretation has been perverted and is NOT Christian.

A common failure, a common solution

I've been doing really well with my program. It hasn't been easy - it's been nearly a full year of multiple fourth and fifth steps which are not easy because it's hard to accept that I need to let certain people go when I don't want to, and it can be humiliating to share with another person what I have done and the consequences of my actions. But by the grace of God, I don't want to continue to suffer and to continue to let that misery infiltrate into different parts of my life. It has been exhausting work, and it's been really hard to break destructive patterns, but I think that is fully acceptable. 

I've been reading Hazelden's Twenty-four Hours a Day (December 13), and the past few days it's been trying to help us focus on what the fellowship is truly about. I found today's reading to be so clear and precise, and the EXACT reason why people fail, or succeed, in A.A.:

"(Fellowship) is based on a common illness, a common failure, and a common problem. It goes deep down into our personal lives and our personal needs. It requires a full opening up to each other of our inmost thoughts and most secret problems. All barriers between us are swept aside. They have to be. Then we try to help each other get well. The A.A. fellowship is based on a sincere desire to help each other get well."

WOW! Yes, and this is where we need the utmost humility and therefore trust in God. And the recognition of this life-destroying disease is why I have been doing well. Sure, I get consumed with people in the program whether because of jealousy, fear, intimidation, resentment, disappointment, and even more, I can delve into little pity-parties where I have nothing of use to share in meetings, but today I can really quickly bring it back to why I am there - I have a disease of mind and body that has affected my entire life, and I have found the solution in the rooms of A.A.

Humility is not about being humiliated, it's about believing that we will recover IF we have the capacity to be honest! People who need the program are programmed to drink, and being deprogrammed to not drink takes incredible strength, resiliency (which alcoholics intuitively are) and courage! It's not easy and there are MANY dark moments, but those who are successful are those who share about those moments, and then go on to help others who continue to suffer. 

I am so grateful to be in the company of others like me - as the literature says, we who had become all-time losers. Life is about sacrifice and helping each other and lifting each other up, and we find meaning and comfort in our new lives. There is no shame in A.A., there is no shame in having a problem and at failing. There is only hope for recovery.