Receiving

Usually, it seems that we don't receive from God what we want. 

But, do we really know what we want?

So many times, I have looked back on all of the disappointments I have experienced, and think, THANK GOD that never materialized! In fact, for most of them. The only thing I feel I never received, which I needed, was a whole family,. But, maybe even that was an intentional plan for me, so that I could be who I am today - someone who is strong and disciplined. Someone who I am *starting* to really like! 

My life has seemed to have been mostly downhill, but four years ago today, it began to change, in a most miraculous way. Why? I decided to not pick up a drink, and to seek help for my illness. I changed my life, I began to heal and to heal my wounded family as well, or what's left of it. 

It sounds like a cliché, and I know it's not comforting in the throes of dejection, but while we might not get what we want, we will get what we need. I know that this is hard to accept, especially when so many people do not have the basic necessities, but I can't appeal to everyone. I know (literally through the statistics Blogger provides) that my audience is not from poor countries. So please, try to *receive* this message with an open mind.

What do you have to be grateful for? There is surely at least one thing that you can hold onto. And guess what, when you practice gratitude, you are doing God's will, believe it or not. And then when you practice gratitude regularly, it becomes a habit, and that gives way to it becoming a state of being, which is REALLY God's will!

When we don't get what we (think we) want, it's really not so bad, because when we are living in God's will of being continuously grateful, while there might be a dull feeling of disappointment or sadness, deep down we know that they are but superficial (and fleeting) feelings. We can remember with confidence that our feelings can betray us, and that our seemingly pressing matter is really not all that important for our journey unto everlasting life.

Rather, when we live in God's will, whatever the challenge, there is no fear or anger; there is only the joy in knowing that the one thing in the world that truly matters, we are doing right, and with great blessings. Amen.

My solo

I've decided to document my experience of creating my dance for the December performance. I had a private lesson last night, just because it's a small class and it so happened no one showed up. So my teacher and I worked entirely on my dance. She is also a composer, and she showed me some awards that she won at a festival where she entered her music. This really inspired me, especially since it was a long uphill battle for this sort of recognition. Plus her marketing is fearless, and it taught me that as artists, we really aren't as we appear to the world - we are enigmas, not to be taken at face value.

She told me that we don't know where our work will take us and to start sharing my art, my passion. Just start! I told her that I don't even know where to start. We have always been encouraged to study a bit everyday, even just ten minutes. But when I watch ballet dancers on YouTube, I have been progressively getting really, really frustrated. When I was a bit younger, I could be a bit inspired by these professional dancers, but more recently, I have felt so inflexible, so weak, so mortal. I feel like I have regressed. So what's the point?

I felt so unmotivated, I told her that my time is up. I said if I make a *start* preparing my art for the world, I should do it with writing, what I know I am really good at. She said to write about my experiences in dance, and that I need to make a decision with the way I feel I am right now: it's up to me alone. She suggested I start with studying Degas, the famous painter who had a precise eye and love for ballet and lines, and to go from there. This really works for me, this is manageable.

It still seems a bit overwhelming, but I *feel* I am losing my art. This cannot happen. My weight gain that started at the end of August, doubled with not taking the performance class (where I forfeited choreography) makes me *feel* so far removed, I almost feel like I'm grieving, even though I'm still in class (in the studio) two times a week.

Last night it changed though, and I've been anticipating (hoping for) this change, but I thought it would come through a different form or discipline. The change actually started that morning, when I met with my priest for the first time in a very long time, maybe well over a year, and where I received guidance, and then absolution. Then I had a real rehearsal, by myself the way a principle dancer, the highest rank, does. I worked so hard, but I still felt so weak, and yet I knew it was my time to start again. So for the first time in a long time, I went to the grocery store and bought fruits and vegetables, and some dairy. 

I got home after a long day, I meditated as taught by my priest in our meeting, and after class and a full day of eating so healthy that my Irritable Bowel Syndrome didn't even act up, I lost a couple of pounds. I still feel injured and inflexible, but I have united with my craft once more. I *feel* back on track. I needed a miracle, I really did, and something really special happened: I am redirected.

Trusting God

Can we be certain that God "knows" or "understands" us and our desires? Is it really safe to "Let go and let God"? This is something that I have struggled with up until this present time. With hard work and a strong support system securely in place, I have been able to loosen my overbearing need for control, and I have begun my trudge of being healed. In the past, I have been so dejected that I wanted to turn to the dark arts (supposing they actually work) so that I could manipulate situations to suit my desires - desires that I had twisted beyond recognition to appear as though they were instead needs. 

Today I do feel more confident that God knows my heart, that He knows me (my potential, my true standing), and that I am safe. Today I really believe that with a pure heart (me at my most basic core), I can never be harmed by anyone with malicious intent. This includes the judgements that I feel are placed on me. And that's okay to be judged, because I know I do it too. In fact, I believe that my tendency to judge and "project" really just stem from my seemingly innate want to control people. And today I suspect that I want to control people, because deep down, I am terrified of them. But this no longer needs to be the case. Friend or Foe? How about, another human being who probably has also been corrupted, but who perhaps can enforce more healthy (or any) coping mechanisms. 

If I am able to "let go" of what I want others to see, or what I conversely want to see, nothing matters. Nothing at all! Just "First things first": go to work, maintain the amends that I made to my family, and remember to ALWAYS be grateful for the gift of being led to a life of sobriety, a life that today is founded on restitution and re-birth. This is true recovery.

When it rains, it pours, but sometimes there was such a drought, it was necessary. I have found that things fall apart at the same time, all at once, and then they come back together, all at once. And in the calm after the storm, I see that I am better for it, so much better, on an Emotional IQ level. More compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and release, which includes the wreckage made by my own hand.

I believe that angels are real, and they communicate to me daily. Their message is to remind me to not hold on to my own plans and designs so tightly, and that when a turn happens that might begin a chapter in which I am not pleased to be the star of, it's really not so bad. God never presents a problem that there is no solution to, and today I really believe this from my core. And this, I believe, is trusting God.

Saving faith

Today's Jesus card reading is about the faith that will save us.

But is faith a gift from God that we receive, is it only offered to some, or is it something that we autonomously search after?

Faith really is something that we are not given, though it can be achieved by all. Faith is not a gift, as shown by the woman who was hemorrhaging, and this is why those who believe in God's love and compassion are truly, truly blessed and are the salt of the earth. However, the faithful are not immune to dejection, and therefore must remain strong in their conviction, continually seeking after it, because Jesus is not of this world, and in so, neither is hope.

If you have faith, if you even have the slightest bit of hope HOLD ON to it, and let nothing get in it's way. That morsel of hope is going to save your very life, and the lives of countless others. People who are so hurt, people who want to die, or who are planning their deaths, your morsel of hope can rescue them. Your faith, even the size of a mustard seed, is worth its weight in gold. Respect it, nurture it, and above all do not be ashamed of it!

Cherish your faith and the peace that it bestows. Don't confuse your peace for mundanity, show others the hope that you invest in, and see how exhilarating and meaningful life becomes. Faith is not a gift, God didn't make us to be robots who have no free will. Choose God, choose faith, choose peace, and choose to save others. Amen

Ask in peace

Today's card reading is about receiving what we ask for in prayer.

Jesus tells us that we can move mountains when we have the faith that we can. In previous lessons, we learn that God only 'answers" our prayers when we ask in accordance with His will, however today's verse shows us that with incredible and unwavering trust in God's power, we can really have ANYTHING we want!

BUT there is a catch :) We must have a CLEAN heart before praying. This means that we must have NO resentments towards others! So how can we receive from the Father without blemish?

We confess our sins to one another. This is the starting point, and this is where we find real healing begin; this is where we become open to receive all that we desire for the peace and joy that we all crave. This is true repentance, and this is where humility begins, for this is where we REALLY start to trust God, and put Him first.

Do you harbour ill feelings towards a person? If you do, just think ahead - think of what you want, for God WANTS you to be happy! Go to someone who you trust, then go and pray in gratitude for the opportunity and wisdom that God bestowed upon you to be healed and prosperous. Then, when you are prepared to go to God with your petition, be ready to experience miracles, because they WILL happen! Amen. 

On Calvinism

Okay, I just HAVE to post this person's comment, it is utterly brilliant and I believe spot on. WOW. He is on Facebook, and his name is Stephan Joseph. He's just a regular guy posting in forums, I only mention him as a source. For those who are not aspiring theologians, Calvinism is one of the first branches of Christianity that broke from the Catholic Church in the 16th century. For the record, I do really like a lot of Reformed preachers, but this is just AWESOME. 

"Calvinism is cancer. With few exceptions of a couple brothers I met online everyone I know that’s a Calvinist personally had a profound emotional breakdown at some point and then either left the faith or backslid into complacency, pride and ineffectiveness. 

Why is it that Christians just talk about Jesus constantly and Calvinists talk about Calvinism? 

You will notice it. They are infamous for it. Men like Piper or McArthur and RC Sproul have absolutely cult like followings that hold them and even men of the past like Luther and Calvin up as new Apostles. 

There’s no room to disagree with them not substantively. 

The root of it all is a concept called Divine Determinism which is the spiritual equivalent of atheism. 

The Muslims, Gnostics, Calvinists and Atheists all hold that man cannot freely decide his fate but that ultimately God decides because man is not free from his nature. 

Now an atheist can hold to morality but has NO logical reason to do so. A Calvinist can hold to hope but has no grounds for it. He may or may not be “elect” he may or may not be “predestined” and I use quotes around those words because they utterly redefine them from the Jewish application in Scripture regarding Gods purposes for and in Christ and for Israel etc in rejecting Ishmael/ Edom and accepting Issac. It’s a denial of what an ordinary person means when they say free will. It’s a denial that God actually loves every person in the world the same way and impartially. It’s logical denial that man can be responsible for sin because God has made man born unable to respond! 

It’s filled with innumerable horrors and iniquities in history, abuses of reason, denial of plain scripture.

It was based on the ignorant ramblings and renderings of a man in the 5th century named Augustine that had no knowledge of Greek, or of Jewish culture or context, that was interpreted by a lawyer in the 1500’s and you get Calvinism. 

It’s a philosophy that makes God untrustworthy and double minded in that He offers salvation to those that cannot reach out for it. It makes Satan more single minded in his hatred of mankind than God is in His love for us. Satan desires that ALL damned and God does not desire that all be saved. 

In short it’s an exaltation of Gods Power over His Love when the Scripture never said “God IS Power” but rather Power belongs to God. It does say “God IS Love” 

But other than that it’s fine."

Green growth

Today my angel card readings of the immediate past, present, and future, were all directed to my studies in ballet, more so, to performance in this why-am-I-still-doing-this fine art. (Funnily enough, it's World Ballet Day).

Green was a major sign, connecting all three cards, and this was special because I have not yet had a reading where all three of the cards were connected. My immediate past was spot on too, and when we say immediate, we mean it. I am referring to last night, to returning to the studio, begrudgingly, after a two month hiatus, and after making major plans in my schedule causing this hiatus that sadly fell through, for reasons left unconcerned to you, dear reader. 

One thing that green symbolizes, other than so many wonderful and positive attributes (and has always been one of, if not my favourite, colours), is inexperience. Well, after having studied ballet for over ten years, not including in childhood, to the point of incredible growth and even to the extent of injury, I am still a novice, especially when it comes to performance. Ballet it so intense, and to have ever been a professional, I needed to have been studying it during the really formative years, in middle and high school, which I wasn't.

Still, I am grateful to have gently been brought back into ballet, because it has enriched my life, even outside of the studio. But I still get flustered in the city open classes: my flexibility is still not full, and I can't pick up choreography in one-go. I still don't dance en pointe, and I am only confident doing what I have learnt in class, which has been really just one teacher this entire time, meticulously correcting us to the point I feel confident with what I have directly learnt, but not dancing what I have seen others do. I have learnt only basic choreography, without really big jumps, and after a rotten 2017, and change in medication which caused some weight gain, I simply don't feel I have the "ballerina" body that I feel I need in order to compensate for my short-comings. 

However, I do have a good teacher, who is inspirational and who reminds us that with clean technique, we can do anything. And I do have clean technique. I have professional-level technique. In fact, I am astounded at the sloppiness that I see when I am (privileged enough) to observe company morning classes. But I have the sloppiness in my discipline instead, and this affects my flexibility, which has always been my Achilles heel. And now it affects my body image. I am not condemned to this extra five or so pounds, though. I can *easily* do more exercise, sit-ups, whatever. 

And though I feel that my inexperience and limitations are glaring, we don't get better at something unless we do it. I also remind myself of what my friend said about this time last year, when I was about to perform at an in-studio, recital (with stage fright) - very few people can do what I do. And it's true. Besides, I think Hedwig would have appreciated me dancing to her theme song.

"Present"