The curse of the fruit

The Lord said to Adam, "Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for you will certainly die". But when the snake seduces Eve to take from the tree, he says to her, "Of course you will not die! You will be like gods". When the Lord discovers what man has done, he says, "Now they will be like one of us, knowing good from evil".

I assert that when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they possessed carnal knowledge - they became aware of their nakedness, and began to lust; when the Lord found them, they were ashamed. Though chapters one and two seem to be convoluted chronologically, it is nevertheless recorded in the first chapter that the Lord blessed Adam and the animals, and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply". Not only does this indicated that man needed not engage in intercourse to reproduce, but this also show the consequence of disobedience: sex. Only eight verses after the Lord sentenced Adam and Eve to exile, he slept with his wife. The Secret Book of John shows that Adam was able to multiply by connecting with his higher self.

After man knew intercourse, the greatest sin became the reproduction of the Nephilim, more commonly known as "Giant": the half-breed offspring of the Watchers (angels), and human. The result of this transgression was destruction of the earth and man, for the earth could not sustain the Giants, and so they began consuming men. The Lord lamented, and brought forth a great flood to eliminate the evil and start again. Without carnal knowledge, the humans would not have engaged in intercourse with the angels, causing the evil that still exists in this world.

The consequences of carnal knowledge have been severe, and it is possible that the reason why some religious orders practice celibacy is because in actuality, we were not created with the intention to lust and multiply through sex, and that not only are we usually controlled by our lust, but also by our names that might be connected to it.

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While picking away at the Book of Genesis chapters one through four, trying to make sense of the Fall, I realized that no where does the Lord name Adam. Adam's name appears without word of the Lord's doing, and when his name appears in the chapters, there is a footnote that it can also be read as "man".

Adam names the animals, though, and Adam was given domination over the animals. Adam also named Eve after their fall, and woman has been like animal: subordinate.

When the Lord appeared before Moses, he was asked, "What is your name?" The Lord replied, "I AM WHO I AM". This is because when a person knew a god's name, he could control him. Moses tried to trick the Lord into disclosing his name, but the Lord would not fall for it. 

Jesus also does not have a name. He refers to himself as the Son of Man, Son of God, or "I Am". Even when Jesus stood on trial, neither the Sanhedrin nor Pilate ask him to identify himself by name; they either ask, "Are you the Son of God", or "Are you the king of the Jews".

Names are full of pretense. Some religions spend their existence meditating on the Lord's name, some say his name is unknown, and still others believe it is too holy to utter. Some, such as myself, believe that using any name is dangerous, for demons invariably have the same names: even with the best of intent, the wrong spirit can be summoned.

It seems to be that sex and the name are a curse. Evil was begat of unholy unions, and Eve was named after her fall. Eve means "Mother of all", and it does not appear that woman was meant to bear children before her transgressions, "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children".

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to not recognize God. More accurately, it is to believe that the Lord has rejected his creation, and this is why it is "the one unforgivable sin". How can the Lord heal what to the cursed does not believe for him to exist? God is Love. John warns us that to not love will causes eternal separation from God (hell). 

It is a common misinterpretation that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is the accusation that God uses the devil to heal people, according to this verse when Jesus healed a man who could not see or speak, "It is only by Beelzebul, the prince of demons, that this fellow drives out demons." (Matthew 12.24) I find this to be an intellectually dishonest teaching of the verse, because Jesus tells us that "Every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come." (Matthew 12.31-2). It was the Son of Man who was performing the miracle.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is deliberately refusing to accept God's mercy, and to believe that we cannot be forgiven. So ironically, it is in believing that we are not saved, in which we are not saved. 

The incredible prophecy

Just under two thousand years ago, when the Christ walked in the Middle East, he said to his disciples that Rome would overpower the Temple and the nation. 

Jesus told his followers that the Roman army would flood Jerusalem, and he said to flee to the mountains at that time.

It is within these mountains, that some of the Gnostic texts were found, right at the end of the Second World War.

This article claims that the Gnostics were the real Christians, and I believe this to be true. I postulate that it was the nation of Israel in the spiritual context that would be overthrown. The Israel that Jesus came to claim, which would become known as the "Followers of the Way": the Gnostics.

In 70 AD the Romans brutally took hold of the Temple; less than three centuries later, it had sanctioned and instituted Catholicism, after waging war on the Gnostics and feeding them to the lions. With the Council of Nicea, the Bible had been deliberated over, and without input from the Christians, the elite Roman officials decided what would constitute the faith: using one of their own to be the teacher - "Apostle" Paul.

I considered myself to be a Gnostic before I was baptized two and a half years ago, but something was missing. As I broke bread and drank wine by myself at Easter, I knew it wasn't enough. I needed real blessing and consecration, a tradition that has been lost in time and space in the current Gnostic path.

Despite that I have troubles with Roman Catholicism, I need the Eucharist, I need to be at that altar. No matter the concerns with its violent and manipulative past, the glamorous pope, or its idolatry, I stick with what is true and what was recorded by Justin the Martyr hundreds of years before the fragmented New Testament was even compiled.

Jesus told us that this would happen, we simply haven't realized it yet. But all that is hidden will be revealed, and we will come to recognize the dragon and his beasts.

"Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will be troubled, when he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All." - The Gospel of Thomas.

Sing a new song unto the Lord

From my "Insights for Students" subscription email today, using song when preaching and exemplifying the Salvation Army's use of popular songs that all could partake in, especially the poor. A real marching band including military rank, this group was rambunctious. Just as King David hired some 4,000 musicians, along with all the congregation partaking, it was in all likelihood, not too soft sounding! 

The email closes with, "Every generation of Christians renews the discovery of this 'new song,' sometimes through the music of its forebears." Yes, and for me, that would be Jay-Z.

""Getch'all fatigues on...It's the return of THE God. Peace God."

Complete defeat

It has taken nearly 11 months of being in Alcoholics Anonymous, and a few binges, to recognize that alcohol has utterly defeated me. I thought I had achieved Step 1: "I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable". This recognition was easy: on New Years Eve I did something that cost me an entire group of friends, and 3 nights later, I was in my first closed AA meeting.

I knew that I became powerless over my drinking. I did my best to not get drunk at this house party: I took 3% beer. But I had also brought sparkling wine that I received as a Christmas gift, and though I don't like it, at midnight I had managed to turn it into a Mimosa (again, with orange juice that I had brought, in case anyone wanted to use it, Ie., me.), and drank it happily - to the point I became bitter at sharing. I had also brought a bottle of red Australian wine for the host, and then drank almost the full bottle after midnight.

For years, I knew that my life was being thwarted; in my thirties, in tens of thousands dollars of debt, no true romance in sight, living in poverty, lying to myself and to the world about my health and my ambitions, pretending to be harmless to females about my respect to their relationships, inebriated at every open chance, or even when it wasn’t open and I ditched my responsibilities, going backwards after every slight movement in improvement.

So, looking at my falsehoods at the start of 2012, I felt relief as I admitted that I was a drunkard, and I loved being around my "real" people. Going to meetings was the highlight of my day, and I quit my bartending job to truly commit to the program. But there was still the pressure to get more involved. I reluctantly picked a home group and got a sponsor, though I believed that was doing just fine on my own.

After several months I went back to working in the bar, dropped my sponsor without trying to get a new one, and then returned to drinking within weeks. I drank for the duration of the summer before deciding that I needed to change. I admitted to my home group that I was drinking (which they probably knew because I was a miserable dry drunk before I stopped going to meetings), and I received a "24 hour desire chip" at the other two groups that I went to weekly for seven months before my relapse. But, I still couldn't stop drinking.

Finally, I realized that, whether I stayed in AA or not, I wanted to be clean and clear. I again quit my bar job, and my boss knew what I was trying to accomplish, so she didn't make me feel badly. I had been speaking to a great woman from my home group and who also attended the Sunday morning women's meeting, and we started to talk more once she knew of my struggles. I told her that I had quit my bar job, and unbeknownst to me, I had achieved Step 3, "I made a decision to turn my my will and life over to the care of god." How amazing I felt! I knew right away that this woman had the tools that I needed to learn if I were to get sober.

We met that week for coffee, and it was fantastic: I felt like she really understood my plight. I love working with her, though now, especially since I drank for the next two days after our meeting, I realize the vulnerability that comes with this defeat.

There is zero way that I can maintain sobriety on my own, I have tried for the past four months, and I tried a year and a half ago when I needed to straighten up for a new job as an Executive Assistant (which I lost). Not only does alcoholism destroy intelligence, but it takes intelligence to understand what it even is that I am facing. Now I need people to essentially hold my hand. People who I look up to and who will get me to meetings. Because now I do need help getting to meetings. I would never have gone to the Monday night meeting had I not arranged to meet my new sponsor there the day we met for coffee: I hadn't been hungover like that since New Years Day. But this help was the absolute last thing I wanted. First, I didn't want to be accountable to anyone, but now also I feel that I am being setup for rejection and pain.

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I nearly cried at the beginning of my meeting on Monday. I had decided Sunday evening that it would be a great idea to remove the shank in my pointe shoes (this is done in the upper levels - the slipper is no longer used, and we are to have "soft blocks" [without the shank] by next month). I had no idea what I was doing, destroyed my ballet shoes, and have no money to replace them. I have no time to waste, I am barely holding up in my exam prep program as is. I am twice the age of the average student in this program (fortunately at the studio there is only one other girl, who is a fantastic person). I have been blessed to be put in this program, but I have not built up my strength to dance en pointe (on the very top of the toe). I have gone straight from demi-pointe in the soft ballet slippers, to being in a level that is supposed to be all in pointe; I am doing (just barely, with technique that at this time would fail me) echappés and retirés without the barre for support. I am playing catch up, instead of maintaining previous technique. I feel physically and emotionally sick about what I did to my shoes when I was drunk, and to top it off, I let my friend record it - about half an hour of me literally assaulting them. I am so ashamed, not only because I was so ignorant and thoughtless, but that I did it when I was barely able to walk straight.

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When I was at CAMH two years ago (The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health), there was a man who, god bless him, had so many problems, some of them legal. I had to fight back tears while listening to him at one point. He had to get straightened up ASAP, and he talked once about his efforts in AA. I had never been to AA myself, nor wanted to go, but I remember vividly him saying that he figured out how to work the program - finding the people who have the sobriety and who are working the steps, and staying away from the fair-weathered. I remember what he said about AA because I felt guilty: I deep down believed, and still do, that I wasn't really "working" on my sobriety - I was just going to group and feeling proud that I once more got say I went another week without a drink or toke. But once I left the program, I was binging again within two weeks.

Last night in my AA meeting, we read through a few pages of Step 12 ("Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs") and, though I am at Step 4, was able to participate. I talked about my own spirituality and progress in relation to what was read in the step, "Can we bring new purpose and devotion to our religion?" But others only talked about their jobs, or their gratitude to be there that night. or even other people's failures! I know exactly what this man was talking about now. and I too no longer trust or wish to have support from some of the people.

Even with those who have some sobriety, and who are getting anniversary chips, a person can do anything in a group, especially when they're being righteously reinforced. The main book that we use in AA warns us of the people who are lonely and who use the group for companionship, and so if someone is using the program for anything other than alcoholism, of course they can be, and will stay, on the wagon! I must learn to discern between the real and the fake.

I am also staying away from people who are making up their own god (which, I admit, is all too easy to do in this program because of Steps 2 and 3, along with peer influence). I was at an open meeting on Friday and I saw a woman whom I much like, but with my new found determination to honour my Lord, I walked away from her once she started going on about her own "Higher Power" (A Step 2 term). I wanted to go help pack things up anyway, so I do not mean to sound insensitive: this is simply one example of how I plan to work. It is common that people enter into the program with broken or no faith, and literally create a god "of (their) understanding". Furthermore, AA is Masonic, which is a whole other concern for me. Perhaps *when* I accomplish the steps, I will be able to offer more to others, but for now it is do or die, and I am looking out solely for myself, even at the possibility of rejecting others, whether there is a general unconditional "fellowship" or not.

I compromised my faith and turned my back to my Lord this new year. I allowed AA's New Age spirituality to infiltrate me, but not the steps themselves. I consulted with two priests and received their blessings to be in meetings and to financially support the groups, but didn't believe that they truly understood this offshoot of Protestant program. But now I am back with not only complete protection of my Catholic faith, but also with the determination to work only with people who are genuine.

Still though, I am now dependent on people, one person in particular. What will happen if I can't, or won't, clean up. Who will be there for me if I risk just one more excruciating hangover. Will I lose her confidence and make her turn away. Will I get attached, and be let down. Now, it is not me who can do the rejecting, but rather the one who can be rejected, and this has become far more upsetting than being "brainwashed" into a Masonic "cult".

Nevertheless, I will do my best to do my duty to my Lord, and to try to be not only successful, but more important, happy, in sobriety.

The 99% uprising

I have been communicating with a fellow soldier, and here is my reply to his question, "Do you want to change the world?" The last two paragraphs are add-ons for this piece. 

Me:  Well, I'd like to see the 99% take the 1% down. I do not understand how almost every last person is pushed down, forced into war, willing to consume poisonous food and water, etc. Sometimes I think it's just supposed to be this way. People are inherently flawed. I do not even see newborn babies as innocent. The minute they are able to move around, they begin to lie to cover up their mistakes and accidents, and manipulate others to get what they want.

Maybe it's the same as when Adam and Eve sinned and became aware and ashamed of their nakedness - we have this humiliation (don't know why), and fight against ourselves to cover it up. I think it is possible that this is what gives a select few power over us. I think it's comparable to the War on Terrorism: this "new" war  where we do not even really know who the enemy is. In regards to war, for example, it is where the aggressors are able to win and take control, and in war it is the stronger and more aggressive who systematically degrade in order to subject and ruin the weak and the invaded.

I am convinced that our inherent shame is due to our disobedience to the god of this world (Not Satan as the false prophet writes, but of Israel's god) and can explain injurious phenomena such as the fall of the United States. National pride, and wanting to be served like royalty has caused gross injustice. All the labour is being exported, only to be brought back into the country, so that the US can feel as though it is being "served". This is destroying citizens, other nations, and the environment. To make matters worse, the US increased its debt when its leaders should have started paying it off. I am supposing they think they'll get it back if they spend just a little more on the war, for example.

So, yes, I would like to change the world. But as Jesus of Nazareth fought a spiritual war, so too  I believe we must confront - is it the shame that we take on in our defiance that is keeping us subdued, and if this is so, of what, and what for? For me, I believe I am helping by studying and coming up with ideas, and talking to people like you.

The Book of Revelation says 144,000 angels have the Lamb and his Father's name written on their foreheads. They are the ones who are sealed in the Book of Life, and they are the ones who are saved on the last day. I find this fatalistic, though, and I believe the Lord of this world is merciful. As a result, I try to find a hidden meaning.

I would love to be a key player in the uprising of the 99%, but sometimes I feel that it is not meant to happen in the way that we intend (such as the Wall Street protests). Maybe instead of leading a resistance, we are supposed to help the population repent and turn to our Lord for the redemption that will hand to us the inheritance of the new earth. After all, the Lamb told us not to fight: that we would only die by the sword if we lived by it. Instead he prophesied that we would flee. Maybe he also meant flee from this worldly existence of sin.

I believe it is possible that we may fight alongside the 144,000 who are to lead in this war of the physical and economical, but through the instruction and tools given to us to rise against the spiritually corrupting, with the latter influencing the direction on how we value or detach from the former. 

John bows before the angel in chapter 19, but the angels exclaims, "Do not worship me, worship God!". I believe that the angel and his legion are the front-liners who we take orders from. Just as the first beast takes orders from the dragon, and the second beast takes order from the first, so too do the angels take orders from the Lord of hosts, and we take orders from the angels: it is a hierarchy, though no one exceeds the Lord.

Therefore, I believe that the human population can never be of the 144,000 (unless some such as you and I are two of the angels in human form), not only because there will be a new heaven as well where the hosts will dwell, allowing us this space, but also because we can still inherit the new earth, because if we follow the instructions of the angels and the prophets, we could be saved through penance.

War is sadistic

I found the below excerpt to be ground breaking in understanding war.

Coincidentally enough, I was speaking briefly with a friend about war this morning, and said that the reason for the destruction must be about gaining power. Though in my mind I wondered, how could gaining power for a leader be a strong enough reason to be able to be so violent?

In looking up blood and sexual sacrifices committed in cults, I came across this statement from a psychohistory journal about the reason for wars, and how they connect to the energy harnessed in sacrificial rituals.

"Real wars, as I have described earlier, involve nations hallucinating a rebirth fantasy that they are 'pregnant with events,' like a 'heaving volcano,' with a 'tight, tense, trapped feeling' in the air, 'unable to relieve herself of the inexorable pressure' or 'gain at least a breathing spell,' being 'picked up bodily' after diplomatic relations are 'ruptured' and beginning 'the descent into the abyss' as the nation starts its 'final plunge over the brink.' Each of the six elements of cult ritual I have given above are enacted in war. Tribes and nations regress during prewar periods and fear individuation, claiming that progress and prosperity 'makes the nation soft' and 'turns men into women,' making them 'wimps' and robbing them of their potency. Then they go into a trance and use dissociation to deny any empathy for the 'enemies' they are about to slaughter. Then they merge with their leader and put their intolerable feelings into him, sometimes even staging 'merging dramas,' political meetings like the Nazi mass meetings, where people held up their arms like an umbilicus and imagined they were pouring their polluted feelings into the leader, shouting 'Heil!' (heal me). Next they deify the leader, making him into a terrifying figure who can help them avenge their traumas, organize the nation into totalitarian structures and go off to war as a sacrificial rebirth ritual, during which the nation reenacts earlier traumas and rejuvenates its potency by becoming the powerful one torturing and killing the helpless one.

It is less apparent that war, like cultic ritual, is also a sexual perversion. Cults rape, torture and kill with the aim of orgasm; the sexuality is manifest. But it is only our defensive habit of compartmentalizing the various acts of war that makes us unaware that war, too, involves ritual rape, even if we think of it as only incidental 'collateral damage' like all civilian slaughter. Rape occurs because men are turned on by torture and killing. Violence is aphrodisiac. Prostitutes used to hang around the Colosseum in Rome to service the sexually aroused men after they finished watching the slaughter. In the past, according to the world’s leading historian of war, 'The opportunity to engage in wholesale rape was not just among the rewards of successful war but, from the soldier’s point of view, one of the cardinal objectives for which he fought.' Men who didn't rape during war were suspected of being homosexual. In earlier wars, lust as with cults, the killing of children was often preceded by raping them. Virgins were the favorite group rape targets for invading armies until well into the Middle Ages.

I admit it is hard to accept the conclusion of this line of thought and admit that those who watch bodies of people killed in wars pile up on TV are participating in a ritual rejuvenation of their potency. Hard to accept, that is, until we recall that before the Gulf War most of the country felt that the American Dream was 'withering' arid that our leader was a 'wimp', while after the war, after killing 300,000 Iraqis, mostly children, these same people felt the country was strong again, the stock market soared and our leader ended up being approved by 91 percent of the country. It seems to me that during the war we absorbed the vitality of those we slaughtered. Slain warriors in earlier cultures often were eaten in order to internalize their strengths. Early armies used to collect enemies' penises and present them in a big pile to their king. When U.S. soldiers in Vietnam collected penises as 'souvenirs,' we thought the soldiers perverted. Perverted they were, but perverted we all are when we choose to engage in war. Only our rationalizations prevent us from seeing this."

Mars: God of War and Sex