Complete defeat

It has taken nearly 11 months of being in Alcoholics Anonymous, and a few binges, to recognize that alcohol has utterly defeated me. I thought I had achieved Step 1: "I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable". This recognition was easy: on New Years Eve I did something that cost me an entire group of friends, and 3 nights later, I was in my first closed AA meeting.

I knew that I became powerless over my drinking. I did my best to not get drunk at this house party: I took 3% beer. But I had also brought sparkling wine that I received as a Christmas gift, and though I don't like it, at midnight I had managed to turn it into a Mimosa (again, with orange juice that I had brought, in case anyone wanted to use it, Ie., me.), and drank it happily - to the point I became bitter at sharing. I had also brought a bottle of red Australian wine for the host, and then drank almost the full bottle after midnight.

For years, I knew that my life was being thwarted; in my thirties, in tens of thousands dollars of debt, no true romance in sight, living in poverty, lying to myself and to the world about my health and my ambitions, pretending to be harmless to females about my respect to their relationships, inebriated at every open chance, or even when it wasn’t open and I ditched my responsibilities, going backwards after every slight movement in improvement.

So, looking at my falsehoods at the start of 2012, I felt relief as I admitted that I was a drunkard, and I loved being around my "real" people. Going to meetings was the highlight of my day, and I quit my bartending job to truly commit to the program. But there was still the pressure to get more involved. I reluctantly picked a home group and got a sponsor, though I believed that was doing just fine on my own.

After several months I went back to working in the bar, dropped my sponsor without trying to get a new one, and then returned to drinking within weeks. I drank for the duration of the summer before deciding that I needed to change. I admitted to my home group that I was drinking (which they probably knew because I was a miserable dry drunk before I stopped going to meetings), and I received a "24 hour desire chip" at the other two groups that I went to weekly for seven months before my relapse. But, I still couldn't stop drinking.

Finally, I realized that, whether I stayed in AA or not, I wanted to be clean and clear. I again quit my bar job, and my boss knew what I was trying to accomplish, so she didn't make me feel badly. I had been speaking to a great woman from my home group and who also attended the Sunday morning women's meeting, and we started to talk more once she knew of my struggles. I told her that I had quit my bar job, and unbeknownst to me, I had achieved Step 3, "I made a decision to turn my my will and life over to the care of god." How amazing I felt! I knew right away that this woman had the tools that I needed to learn if I were to get sober.

We met that week for coffee, and it was fantastic: I felt like she really understood my plight. I love working with her, though now, especially since I drank for the next two days after our meeting, I realize the vulnerability that comes with this defeat.

There is zero way that I can maintain sobriety on my own, I have tried for the past four months, and I tried a year and a half ago when I needed to straighten up for a new job as an Executive Assistant (which I lost). Not only does alcoholism destroy intelligence, but it takes intelligence to understand what it even is that I am facing. Now I need people to essentially hold my hand. People who I look up to and who will get me to meetings. Because now I do need help getting to meetings. I would never have gone to the Monday night meeting had I not arranged to meet my new sponsor there the day we met for coffee: I hadn't been hungover like that since New Years Day. But this help was the absolute last thing I wanted. First, I didn't want to be accountable to anyone, but now also I feel that I am being setup for rejection and pain.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I nearly cried at the beginning of my meeting on Monday. I had decided Sunday evening that it would be a great idea to remove the shank in my pointe shoes (this is done in the upper levels - the slipper is no longer used, and we are to have "soft blocks" [without the shank] by next month). I had no idea what I was doing, destroyed my ballet shoes, and have no money to replace them. I have no time to waste, I am barely holding up in my exam prep program as is. I am twice the age of the average student in this program (fortunately at the studio there is only one other girl, who is a fantastic person). I have been blessed to be put in this program, but I have not built up my strength to dance en pointe (on the very top of the toe). I have gone straight from demi-pointe in the soft ballet slippers, to being in a level that is supposed to be all in pointe; I am doing (just barely, with technique that at this time would fail me) echappés and retirés without the barre for support. I am playing catch up, instead of maintaining previous technique. I feel physically and emotionally sick about what I did to my shoes when I was drunk, and to top it off, I let my friend record it - about half an hour of me literally assaulting them. I am so ashamed, not only because I was so ignorant and thoughtless, but that I did it when I was barely able to walk straight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When I was at CAMH two years ago (The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health), there was a man who, god bless him, had so many problems, some of them legal. I had to fight back tears while listening to him at one point. He had to get straightened up ASAP, and he talked once about his efforts in AA. I had never been to AA myself, nor wanted to go, but I remember vividly him saying that he figured out how to work the program - finding the people who have the sobriety and who are working the steps, and staying away from the fair-weathered. I remember what he said about AA because I felt guilty: I deep down believed, and still do, that I wasn't really "working" on my sobriety - I was just going to group and feeling proud that I once more got say I went another week without a drink or toke. But once I left the program, I was binging again within two weeks.

Last night in my AA meeting, we read through a few pages of Step 12 ("Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs") and, though I am at Step 4, was able to participate. I talked about my own spirituality and progress in relation to what was read in the step, "Can we bring new purpose and devotion to our religion?" But others only talked about their jobs, or their gratitude to be there that night. or even other people's failures! I know exactly what this man was talking about now. and I too no longer trust or wish to have support from some of the people.

Even with those who have some sobriety, and who are getting anniversary chips, a person can do anything in a group, especially when they're being righteously reinforced. The main book that we use in AA warns us of the people who are lonely and who use the group for companionship, and so if someone is using the program for anything other than alcoholism, of course they can be, and will stay, on the wagon! I must learn to discern between the real and the fake.

I am also staying away from people who are making up their own god (which, I admit, is all too easy to do in this program because of Steps 2 and 3, along with peer influence). I was at an open meeting on Friday and I saw a woman whom I much like, but with my new found determination to honour my Lord, I walked away from her once she started going on about her own "Higher Power" (A Step 2 term). I wanted to go help pack things up anyway, so I do not mean to sound insensitive: this is simply one example of how I plan to work. It is common that people enter into the program with broken or no faith, and literally create a god "of (their) understanding". Furthermore, AA is Masonic, which is a whole other concern for me. Perhaps *when* I accomplish the steps, I will be able to offer more to others, but for now it is do or die, and I am looking out solely for myself, even at the possibility of rejecting others, whether there is a general unconditional "fellowship" or not.

I compromised my faith and turned my back to my Lord this new year. I allowed AA's New Age spirituality to infiltrate me, but not the steps themselves. I consulted with two priests and received their blessings to be in meetings and to financially support the groups, but didn't believe that they truly understood this offshoot of Protestant program. But now I am back with not only complete protection of my Catholic faith, but also with the determination to work only with people who are genuine.

Still though, I am now dependent on people, one person in particular. What will happen if I can't, or won't, clean up. Who will be there for me if I risk just one more excruciating hangover. Will I lose her confidence and make her turn away. Will I get attached, and be let down. Now, it is not me who can do the rejecting, but rather the one who can be rejected, and this has become far more upsetting than being "brainwashed" into a Masonic "cult".

Nevertheless, I will do my best to do my duty to my Lord, and to try to be not only successful, but more important, happy, in sobriety.