Living in Purpose

I passed through an interesting transformation at the beginning of this week whereby I accepted the release of fear. Naturally it is liberating, but it has also brought about a sense of confidence and purpose in which all the years I prayed and worked to be released from fear I wasn't expecting. I think the most pivotal change has been that I sincerely care about other people. The release of my egotism has paved the way for connection, and therefore I know for certain now that the opposite of fear is love - something that was taught to me at the beginning of my regenerative journey.

There is a cocooning in this metamorphosis which protects me from defaulting to a survival state of fear which comes in the form of resentment most identifiable through feelings of regret, self-pity and jealousy. What I have come to notice is that these feelings arise from a false notion of entitlement that can instead  be recognized as threatening only because I am already blessed. When in fear I am crippled by the belief that my blessings are in danger of being removed, but by being grateful for what can feel threatened, that which once had the ability to disturb me is rendered powerless.

I needed to arrive at a place of acceptance through honesty by acknowledging that I didn't care to engage with people, learn from them, or need their friendship. Everything that anyone could ever say was a waste of time to me; even my own interests and hobbies became pointless. Since the leveling of my pride made possible through God's grace I became able and willing to live with a humble heart, rather than a cunning mind. The results have been miraculous and today I am no longer living on the peripheral of even my own life.

I see purpose and value in everything I do, from a simple chore to an extension of kindness. The freedom from needing validation has paradoxically made me feel more validated. This has strengthened my connection to God and to others because 1) I have complete confidence is what I do, and 2) I don't need the approval or compliments of others to feel good about myself.

There is no quick method to being rid of fear that I know of, but I don't believe it needs to be onerous work, either. At some point this week my attitude and outlook shifted from having to desperately pray "God, replace my fear with faith" to "Thank you God for your gifts today", and maybe it was just my time to reap what I have sown. While it took time and effort, I don't believe there are levels of initiation that must be passed in order to receive the peace of God and to feel satisfied in a twenty-four hour day, or that God's joy is only for a few. With intention and purpose, it is possible to live free of worry, confident in our surroundings.

Today I am respectful of my past, excited about my present, and hopeful for my future, and that is an awesome place to reside in.

Character Building

“Grant that I may seek to comfort rather than be comforted...” Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

As Bill Wilson so eloquently put, "Whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the chase after what we thought was happiness...Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." (Step Seven, pgs. 72+74)

When I was angry at people and afraid of the possible negative consequences of being the responsible nice guy, in other words being stricken with the fear of losing resources and companionship, I didn’t want to character-build. I wanted to complain and correct. I wanted everyone to be as good as me. It was a real backwards hypocrisy. But today I am able to take a time-out through meditation so that I don't have to act-out when I am feeling aggitated.

For me meditation is two-fold: first I study. I take the time and space to read meaningful spiritual text, then I reflect on it. It is the latter where the real work is done. That is where I apply what I learn and practice my design-for-living. It has taken me three years to meditate effectively on the above prayer (see link for full prose), and I am not even half-way there.

I wasn't always able to apply meditation. In my third year of sobriety I started a slippery slope of using a medication that has been so dangerous for people of spiritual bedevilments, the government put unbelievable restrictions on it. And while I never abused this medication, there was a mental component of dependency I suffered from. What if I don't get a refill? It was fear-based and text book addict-thinking.

Finally judgement day arrived. My doctor retired and my new doctor wouldn't give me a new prescription. Not until a meet-and-greet, at least. The panic set in, the mental disturbances roamed in my mind. I knew for certain, I was not living the recovery God had intended for me. I was convicted.

I prepped for my meeting, questioning where the thin line is in manipulating a doctor: how far do I push it before it becomes obvious? I needed to present myself as a mature, mentally-fit young woman who simply needed a little extra support "as needed", and that I would absolutely be responsible as I took this highly controlled substance. I was able to get a new script, albeit under a bit more of a regimented plan.

I had my wake-up call and was ready to change.........doctors, that is. I found someone who was much more liberal, but upon recognizing that I was knee-deep in recovery, he made it painfully clear that the drug I wanted to take would be considered breaking my sobriety by the fundamental members in my fellowship. Feelings of shame, paranoia, and failure beset me. I was convicted in the drug store when I couldn't get my prescription, but now I was serving my sentence. I became open to the possibility of not using this medication anymore.

Finally after two and a half years I began to put my money where my mouth is. I commenced to choose meditation over medication. God empowered me through artistic release when I called on The Great Physician instead of a pharmacist. I know for certain now that God's will for us is to be creative, and that is why he gave me the will, power, and determination to release from my hateful feelings and fears in a healthy way, through artistic expression - in a way that is in conjunction with my program of recovery, which is my way of life.

I chose character-building and I was victorious. I have been a light in the darkness, a lamp trimmed by Jesus Himself; fearless, unashamed, and FREE. Released from people places and things. My sobriety has not broken in my opinion, but it has certainly been strengthened. And again, I must practice my program in a real way, and "Live and Let Live" for those who will most certainly think I have. My dignity is no longer contingent on anything outside of myself, and that is why today I can talk about what I hid for over two years in fear of being ostracized. I have taken the final step into liberation and strength.

Before I started to choose character-building over comfort, I made a ton of excuses for myself. I'm sicker than most, it's pharmaceutical, I am suffering too much, it's a low dose, etc. But what I was really doing what cutting myself short, and not giving my recovery all of the blessings I could be. I now know that character-building is not pointless, and that I will not suffer for longer than necessary in choosing meditation over medication - in fact the relief is just about instantaneous.

I couldn’t figure out why I had so much faith in God, but still such a weak meditative practice. I couldn’t pass on the message, because when in the thick of it, I bailed. But today I love having a program to pass on, and it is so worth meditating through the intense moments of fear and apprehension in order to reap what I sow, for the next sufferer.

"We would much rather work for God than believe in Him. Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do?" - Oswald Chambers

Developing Past Maturity

I have some pet finches. It's a long story how I became their custodian, but they are really sweet and I have learnt a lot from them. Sometimes I think they are smarter than me :) God loves the birds, sometimes I think they are closely behind people in His most treasured of creations.

Two of the birds have bred really quickly in less than half a year. About half of the babies died. Some from natural causes, some from accidents because I was moving cages around and there were casualties - they are very delicate. I consider all of this natural selection, as you might have noticed cages is plural :)

It is because these birds have bred so quickly that the cycle was perpetuated. I didn't want to separate the parents until the babies were trained, but possibly (I am almost sure) the babies were not grown enough by the time the mature birds mated again and before I knew it, there were three batches, one right after the other. There was no time to really develop the baby birds, the parents were on to the next one!

Now a new batch hatched a week or two ago, and the other two are in a separate cage as of a couple of days ago. I had to separate them because the dad was getting aggressive, and bullying them pretty badly. What I noticed leading up to the new cage is that the oldest batch (only one bird now) was sort of teaching the newer birds how to behave. It was really sweet to see. Now they are in their own cage and I am noticing there is not much mentoring happening. In fact, there is no much happening at all.

I made a possible connection that they didn't have enough time between each generation to grow in security. And before anyone concludes I am way over-thinking this, let me explain. Since I learn a lot about nature through nature, I made a connection between neglectful parenting, and stunted emotional growth.

These birds barely come out of their nest, even though I bought them a swing and toys, and they have a beautiful new home without any adult birds chasing them around, squawking at them. So why are they not enjoying their new space? Why do we, as people, stay stuck and fearful? Could there be a connection to our upbringing (or lack thereof).

It is so easy to blame failure on addiction, mental health, a recession, whatever. But maybe it's because we don't want to work hard, because that means we have to emerge from our "nest", or take chances because we have been (unintentionally) programmed to believe that we can't possibly be noticed or liked, so why bother going up against someone more qualified or charismatic? Why risk one more attempt to have a big fat life, only to instead become completely dejected and embarrassed.

But now I know that defeatist thinking isn't a result of some emotional hangup, it is not destiny, and it most certainly is not justified. Today I believe in determination and perseverance. I believe in coming out of the nest, and I believe that with the right training, people can be as competitive as the next, no matter the disadvantaged background or trauma.

I have since moved the new bird cage closer to one that has more mature birds in it, so they can see the other birds and hopefully learn new ways of spending their days, through them. Because I know that with the right support, they will have good lives, despite a few bad days at the beginning of them.

"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" - Matthew 6.26

Healing Through Communication

Today for the first time in I suppose years I practiced the kundalini yoga "kirtan kriya" mediation, "Sa Ta Na Ma". Something that I made a connection to later this afternoon is that Ma, meaning "Rebirth" is related to the mudra (Finger positions used to direct energy flow) "buddhi", which is correlated with communication. I identify with this teaching, because I believe that being rebuilt comes after being broken down, through communication.

I have been reflecting on the paradox that in order to have, we must give. I more recently was considering my own spiritual journey, and how relaxed I am about discussing character flaws, which can at times make some people feel uncomfortable. I think this is because there is an idea that if we acknowledge something, we give it power and therefore it becomes real and insurmountable. But what I have discovered over the years is that by openly talking about problems, I am not making them anymore "real", but rather I am actually giving those problems away - they are no longer "mine", and I can no longer pretend to have control over them. In talking about my apprehensions I transition from having a problem to having a solution.

The apostle James says that we are reborn through the act of confession, or if that word is too unpalatable, the act of admission. Through admitting that I need the tearing down and resurrection of certain parts of myself, I am automatically qualified for acquittal, because in my disturbed state I think I am controlling the circumstance, but really, it is controlling me. What I require is true freedom which I attain by way of release. In releasing the ghosts, I receive the healing: I am restored.

Perfection is living within the degree of God's will for us, not by having earthly matters set up in a row, because the material is not real - it is valued based on set decisions made by people who might not have been living within that degree which God has set for us. As we move into the realm where attrition is no longer necessary, we may enjoy the benefits of humility, which is a reprieve for the pride that is a breeding ground for isolation and misery.

In releasing the lies of the ego, I receive the truth of the Holy Spirit, which acts through persons, places, things, and intuition. Blesséd are they who may speak to heal, first self and then others - through receiving and then giving to keep, for they are resurrected bearers of light.

"The Empty Tomb" by George Richardson

I Am Abundant

As I listened to beautiful classical music on community FM radio, I took the scenic route home from work this evening. I passed several landmarks of my youth, and I felt sadness. But today I know that feeling of sadness comes from a place of a skewed perception signalling to me that I both lost what I had, and didn't get enough of what I wanted during that time which those landmarks represented, as well.

That sorrow is not only being felt in vain, it is false.

It is false because I know that my God has not only not forsaken me, but that I am today in a place of abundance. This means two things: 1) I was never meant to have more of what I had in those places in space and time, and 2) Whatever I believe was taken from me was either not there to be taken in the first place, and that more is to be revealed IN GOD'S TIME.

Today I live in God's world, I don't just visit it time-to-time when I am feeling as Oswald Chambers put it "on the mountaintop". In God's world there are no accidents, and no one is left behind. In my grief during the early phases of my recovery I would ask God why He took things from me. He replied, "I have far greater things planned for you." I share this because while it was a personal comfort sent to me in a moment of distress, I believe that this message is universal.

As Joyce Meyer says, we are not victims - we are children of God. Every time I come from a place of lack, scarcity, trauma, or fear, I am setting myself up to break down any form of success that I am building up in my new life. The prayer of St. Francis of Assisi reads, "It is better to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved." These words have spiritually saved my life, and it is the people like the preachers and the saints, the authors and the recovered dreamers who are demonstrating that this world is abundant and now I know, so am I.

So when those attacking thoughts come, and they come without warning, I have the tools provided by those who came before me, and I pick them up and I use them. There is always a road map, and when it's from God, there are no hidden roads, there is only peace and the satisfaction of knowing that not only am I enough, I am of pure magic, and therein lies abundance.

March Madness to April Gladness

I have gone through major changes this new year, and it set me off course for a bit. April is now here and I am magically transformed. I am learning practicality and balancing that with my creativity. I am back to a place of centeredness, which for me means being true to my values and joys while remaining a responsible member of society (employed, honest, law-abiding). But for a short while I was very anxious and saddened, because I was not defending my values and joys. I was not feeling confident in my place in this world, and I was beginning to think I was too far gone after decades of poor decision-making to have a life that I really would want to make a living with. Being a romantic, a rebel, an artist, and a spiritualist, what was a life without love for what I did in ALL parts of my life? Indeed, March was a month of tears.

But I am an Aries and now in my season of fiery passion. In making a decision to find balance between the material and the spiritual, ease and comfort has returned back into my life. Today I have a much more healthy view of life and what is realistic and what is nonsense, and the latter does not disturb me as it once did. I have also make a decision to believe that hard work does pay off, no matter how invisible, disadvantaged, or unassuming one is.

April is a month of healing for many of us. For me it is a time to form new habits to become my best version, which ultimately means having time for all areas that are important for a life well-lived, while having the discipline to resist the easier softer way of delusion, short cuts, exasperation, and regret.

Time to consider in a new season

In preparing my new fashion blog, updating my LinkedIn, and researching designers instead of philosophers, my personal study and blog has taken a hit. In working on physical alchemy - transforming my career path - my spiritual alchemy has taken a back seat. Now I am working on giving more time to my regenerative work, because I simply don't feel good without it.

I received a powerful message today that it's time to tune into the stillness where God resides. Lately I've been moving frenetically, and while I was conscious to invite God into my life sporadically throughout my days while hoping that my works would bear the fruit I crave, it hasn't been sustainable. Instead of travelling into that centre where there is complete love, I was orbiting along the periphery, and in that there were always conditions attached that I required for a satisfying day.

My breath has been cut off for months - my entire life source! In tending to the rich, I left my nourishment behind, because I believed I couldn't move fast enough to do both a good job and maintain my connection to my spiritual practice, which comes firstly from my breath.

Time is money, that is a fact which I have learnt, and for some reason, I thought I couldn't work hard enough or fast enough and still breathe freely at the same time. I held my breath for the entire fall and winter seasons, and last week when I tried to get back to square breathing (inhale, hold, exhale, hold), my heartbeat sped up because there was resistance. It felt like a psychic attack. How did I get so far off track?

Now I am returning to a place of calmness where all inspiration and sustenance are drawn from. This rebound to reconnect is incredibly challenging because time isn't just money - it is a condition placed on all life and I have found that I cannot manage it. As I revisit spiritual alchemy, I learn balance. I learn reverence for all the parts of a day that need attention. What needs to be changed or modified in my life to ensure that I am moving at a healthy pace and that my material, spiritual, and emotional needs are met?

Spring is here and it is time for renewal. I know what I need to do, and life really isn't that complicated. I am powerless over time, but I can still work in accordance with it: I can learn how to master what time I am given. This new season, it will be the rebirth of my breath and my connection to God, or to Life Source.