The Prosperity Gospel

Moving into Biblical based Christianity, it is easy to see now where the message of the gospel has been lost in translation over the past two hundred years or so. Paul said that he preached Christ crucified (1 Corinthians 1:23), this means just about literally what it says. The message of Christianity is not health, wealth, promotion, or popularity. It is sacrifice, it is dying to self to be reborn. (Galatians 2:20) Some of us will lose even family members in our conversions. The message of Christianity is inherently offensive to us, because it says that we are dead in our sins (Ephesians 2:1) and in need of a saviour (spoiler alert it isn't us in some "awakened" state.)

I was a huge fan of Joel Osteen. I watched him every Sunday morning and sometimes I would actually feel convicted by the Holy Spirit through his sermon. I didn't even discover him on my own, my Masonic father who knows I study the Bible did. Joel Osteen is charismatic and it took me over half a year until I began to notice his sermons never actually changed week-to-week. His standard message is we are about to step into prosperity. The woman who thought she couldn't conceive will bear children, the man who is addicted to alcohol will get sober, the person who is over-looked or even under-qualified at work will get a promotion. I felt uplifted and empowered, but now I see it's manipulation. Osteen takes the inspiring messages of Christ such as "You will reap what you did not sow." (John 4:38) but changes the message to satisfy worldly hungers.

As I started to really get on-board with Joel Osteen, buying his books and frequenting his website for sermons and daily devotionals, I began to see resistance from believers and non-believers alike. And this baffled me. How could a man, who brought even my father to Christ, be wrong? Surely everyone was simply jealous of his accomplishments.

But before my conviction I did in fact begin to question not only Osteen, but all of the other televangelists I saw, whether on a huge stage or alone in front of a camera. I started to see how they would take 2 or 3 verses from the Bible and make a 30 minute sermon on it. I began to recognize they were akin to salespeople with the gift of gab. And today I understand it as being much more deceitful than crafty salespeople, I realize that they are actually preaching a false gospel.

These ministers are not bringing anyone to Christ. People who throw around a few Bible passages and distort the truth are actually a wolf in sheep's clothing, (Matthew 7:15) not a messenger of the cross. The truth is, a real messenger of the cross will deeply offend you, because he or she will tell you that you are not in fact good, that no one is good but God (Mark 10:18). But the good news is we don't have to sit in our sins that these televangelists overlook, mischievously telling us we can be free of the bondage of self simply by declaring Jesus Christ. Declaring Him how exactly? Jesus said Himself, "Not all who say 'Lord, Lord,' will be with me." (Matthew 7:21)

You will know them by their fruits, but first you must know what tree you are looking for. (Matthew 7:16). May you be directed to the tree that gives life, and not a false and unsustainable gilded plan for an easy life.

The Language of Evangelizing

"Awakened", "Purpose", "Manifest", "Energy", "Alignment", “Abundance”, "Serve".....these are all perfectly fine words, and some were even used by giants in Christianity centuries ago. But today these words have been given different meanings by the New Age and New Thought movements of mind-over-matter, and willing one's desires into existence by the power of thought and intention. Today I realize that I must to be careful in my choice of words when I find myself about to use them. This is also because I have been up to my chin in New Age and New Thought beliefs and I must now reorganize my thoughts to portray the glory of Jesus. My life is not my own and I see now it is not my place to think myself to a celebratory life. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Language is so important. In the story of the Tower of Babel we see how language is the literal building blocks of a society and even how we may commune with God (Genesis 11:1-9). In Acts of the Apostles we see how speaking in tongues is a demonstrated gift of God. (2:2-4) In the epistles we see how Paul adapted to every culture so that he would glorify God in a way that was relatable to those he was preaching to. (1 Corinthians 9:19-23)

Having been involved with New Age and New Thought practices, where probably a huge chunk of my audience finds their spiritual food, I need to be very clear not only about WHAT messages I am passing on but HOW I pass them on. I frighteningly wonder if the latter even more so. And knowing my audience, they won't take to certain preaching. They will not appreciate or tolerate certain preachers or born-again Christians who use aggressive language. So I must also learn to adapt lest I ruin my chances of declaring salvation to those who would rather hear about true and lasting healing elsewhere. (2 Timothy 4:3)

While I know the gospel is offensive to the unconverted heart (Matthew 10:22), I believe that we can gently direct grievances toward reception, because it is our grief in life that will effectively turn us to the cross. While I invariably must warn of the severity of the penalties of sin, I do so in meekness. I can relate to the fallen, because being regenerated in Christ resurrected, I am blessed to know both tragedy and triumph in God's grace, which is poured out for all who are even just willing to believe. (Ephesians 2:8)

But I also must be vigilant to avoid words that can be misconstrued. The most disturbing part of preaching the gospel in the 21st century is the alienation that can follow, and I think that is why so many of us give up. To witness to the gospel and still fit in, in other words to be manipulative in order to conform to worldly standards, there is temptation to use the same words, examples and stories that those who have little or no faith use. But Jesus never followed the crowd, and he did not fear to provoke them. (Luke 4:28-29) Let's be brave and not beget deceit to fight deceit.

And as I work with integrity to reach my audience by not using their direct language, I must also work with integrity while not using the evangelist's direct language. Words like “Wretched”, “Depraved”, “Undeserving”, “Unworthy”, "Debased",“Sinful”, “Vile”, "Abhorrent" and "Wrath", which are perfectly acceptable and even welcomed by the circumcised heart, must be softened for the new believers who require spiritual milk and are not yet ready for solid food. (1 Corinthians 3:2)

Ultimately, when we use language that has been contorted to mean something godlike, but not God Himself, we are verily being deceptive and doing a greater disservice than having just kept silent. Both insults have been my stumbling blocks. Now in my conviction I work out my salvation with fear (awe, admiration) and trembling (ecstasy, joy) (Philippians 2:12), confident that my theology is rock solid, protected in the Lord, and will reach those who will dare to listen.

Little "g"

Thank you to the documentary American Gospel: Christ Alone, which so intelligently and yet simplistically taught me how the Antichrist is showing himself in our churches today. And also to the guidance of the Holy Spirit who led me to repentance from my self-love, giving me real experiences in order to help me honestly testify Christ crucified.

In my conviction of the Holy Spirit, the leveling of pride, and my willingness to be teachable and accountable, I attended my first Baptist church service. During the songs and even prayer, I kept noticing how I was expecting a word or phrase to pop up that would somehow praise or give acknowledgement to me. I have begun to relate to how New Age practices made ME God, how I made myself all powerful and glorious. I realized how deeply rooted this self-deification is, as I oftentimes didn't catch my thinking until God was worshiped and I remembered, "Oh right, this is about God, not me."

But by the grace of the triune God I have found a fellowship of believers who actually study the Bible and know the language of the Lord, and I am in awe of God because my faith has been lifted up, through the body of Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When the Bible says to "fear the Lord", what it really means is to be "in awe of" the Lord. To fear the Lord does not mean to literally be afraid of God, it means to respect and venerate. A true believer could never be afraid of God, for God so loved the world that he gave us his only begotten Son. (John 3:16) The apostle John taught us that God is love, and there is no fear in love. (1 John 4:8)

The way that I was living though, in New Age and self-help jargon, I should have been afraid, because making myself as powerful as God or even "a" god, is an absolutely terrifying thought to me today, and undoing the teachings that I AM...(insert "amazing", "gifted", "deserving", etc.) literally cut God off of the brilliance that is due to HIM, not me. For a time, I saw nothing wrong with being a magician. I felt like I was finally becoming successful with my worldly thinking, not even knowing I was sowing seeds on the falsehood that this world in which I planted was my birthright.

As I fought back tears during the songs of worship, remembering that I am resurrected ONLY because the resurrected Christ paid my debt with His own blood. I consciously must now live IN Christ after erroneously thinking that I didn't need a savior. I had succumb to the people who talk about positive thinking and affirmations, because I was afraid that if I were to succumb to Christ, I wouldn't fit in or do a good job at work. People might think that "Fear the Lord" means that God will punish us, without realizing that in reality we just fear each other. In desperation to fit in we make compromises that can (and probably will) destroy our souls. Jesus warned us about this when he told us to not fear he who can destroy the body, but fear he who can destroy both the body and soul in hell. (Matthew 10:28) Once I stopped fearing people as much as I was, I saw clearly enough the path toward Calvary, and life became a lot less unfair because I was no longer entitled, and that gave me God's peace. (John 14:27)

I am so grateful that the Lord humbled me so that I can begin to correct my distorted thinking. I do this by praying to God each morning that I might remember Him in all things that I do. Since my conversion I have a new sense of direction. I am even doing well in a competitive money-based sales position because God is answering my prayers and is indeed strengthening me to follow Him all throughout my day. I am more confident to not allow certain people into my circle of friends, and I have a sense of direction in loving Jesus that gives me hope that I will sow seeds not in fertile soil, but where my true inheritance resides.

It has been fascinating to unravel the delusion of grandeur in my mind. I wonder how many others trust their own godhood, leaving the one true God almost entirely out of the equation to a fulfilling life. It is challenging to humble myself, but rewarding to reconsider God in a way where He is limitless, and I am not. It disturbs me to recognize that I had the roles in my relationship with Jesus backwards. But this is where God is merciful, and where the fear of the Lord is actually the awesomeness of the Lord.

Time and again, I forget that Jesus' grace is sufficient, (2 Corinthians 12:9) but I am lovingly brought back to God's kingdom, and that is magnificent.

From Sin to Salvation

Living with mental illness is a soul crushing blow to a person's life. Only by the grace of God did I never try to take my life, unlike so many others who couldn't fight the good fight, but I still tried to destroy it. That I did not end up dead or murdered is truly miraculous. And while at times I wonder if there is permanent damage in my progress today as I still fumble along in my 40's, I like to think that God has set me aside to be of great service to Him. There is sacrifice in that service though, which is called humility, and that is never easy to understand, let alone practice.

But I must be humbled in order to openly discuss my challenges, whereas for decades I tried to hide it. Tried is the operative word. Those of us who are so deep in sin think that we are clever enough to conceal it, because he who introduced us to sin was clever and deceitful himself. But as a human, as a child of God, I am in a position to be what the Lord intends of me - to do great works. Up until my conviction in 2010 however, and still well into having become a baptized Christian, I tried to live in depravity and still worship God. I still tried to weasel my way around Jesus' teachings, by having two masters - myself, and God.

But this is where my mental illness was really at the root of all of my problems. I believe that I was born with a predisposition to be sick, and that my disease began to manifest around the age of seven or eight, starting with paranoia. I believed that people were trying to kill me. I took the licence plates of every white van I saw, because I thought I would be abducted into one, and wanted my family to be able to track me down. I moved the head of my bed away from my window at night because I thought someone might come through my window with a knife, and in the morning I would thrust open the shower curtain to make sure no one was in the bath tub. I was afraid of ambulances that they might be driving by as I were to fall off my bike, and pick me up and take me somewhere, I was afraid of motorcycles because I knew I wouldn't be able to lose them in the creek where my childhood home resided at. I was even afraid that Jesus would appear to me.

Those fears of being watched and abducted never really left, but they greatly subsided as I got older. But to replace those fears of being attacked came racing thoughts of sex. By the time I was twelve I became obsessed with sex, even though I didn't at all desire to have any sexual activity. I never wanted to kiss a boy, or even hold hands with one, but I had these intrusive thoughts. I don't remember the way they played out in my mind, I can't even fathom what the thoughts were now, since I was truly ignorant of that matter. I barely understood what a menstrual cycle was.

By the time I was seventeen I developed a problem with alcohol. I drank abnormally and I thought it was funny. Until I began smoking weed and then nothing was funny. Everything was alien and made me paranoid. Not the same type of paranoia of having my life threatened, more like becoming afraid of what my peers thought of me, to the point I would not want to go to parties. I only wanted to be around my immediate group of friends who I felt comfortable with. By the time I was eighteen I was having sex and going to clubs underaged. That was when my life of sin truly began.

I was promiscuous, I stole money from my mother, I stopped caring about my grandparents, I stayed up all night drinking and doing drugs, I skipped school habitually, I pierced my tongue which is one of my greatest regrets, because I had to be in speech class in grade three so I already struggled with using certain muscles, and my tongue never fully healed. Sometimes today I really have to work hard just to enunciate. I was by myself in the streets of Toronto, in the middle of the night; a cold, hard city with lots of gangs and poverty....But I wasn't raised to become this person. So how did I get so lost? I believe it was because of a generational curse which showed up in my family by way of mental illness, addiction, and Masonic allegiance.

In 2008 I suffered the blow of a full psychotic break that was precipitated by inadvertently raising my kundalini energy after a meditation in my yoga class (my first attempted method of rehabilitating my soul sickness). This psychic attack waged a violent war on me that I could not battle. I believed my own family was trying to kill me. This was my absolute bottom. I began to study Christianity, knowing innately that Jesus Christ would deliver me, but not knowing how to USE the tools. I misquoted the Bible compulsively and trespassed into a Masonic lodge, trying to "fight the system". I wrote letters to the Queen of England warning her of imminent assassination attempts: I was in full flight from reality. But again by the grace of God, I, by no power of my own, went to a doctor who prescribed me medication that almost immediately healed that psychosis.

But my deliverance would take more than modern medicine, and I believe today that the reason why I was afraid of Jesus as a child, is because I intuitively knew that He would appear to me in my darkest hour.

In 2011 I was lying down on my "friend's" couch as he was crashed out in the next room. I was drinking beer and smoking weed early in the morning, desperate to alleviate the come-down from cocaine, which I believe is one of the most evil drugs known to man. I knew irrefutably that I had a problem, and I had recently been fired from my dream job. I was in and out of an addiction program, during that particular stint attempting "harm reduction" which is perfect for addicts who are masters at manipulation. We got to set our own usage goals. Needless to say I never completed that program, and I was captive in this terrible circumstance with cocaine and unemployment, having to draw lines in the sand with this person in my life who is now dead from alcoholism.

I looked up, in physical and mental anguish, and there was Jesus outside the window in the tree (Yes I was high but this was real enough to me because what He said was rock-solid). I looked at Him and I said, "I'm sorry." He looked at me with eyes that did not show pity - He knew my pride would never be able to withstand that - but rather with understanding, and he said two words: "Follow me". And He was gone, and I knew I was ready to sort out my life and live by the Christian standards that I wanted to abide by.

Six months later I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. That summer when Jesus appeared to me, I had met a man at an after hours party who was in and out of the program, and I attempted to get to know him for a few months. He was very sick and so I had to cut ties, but in December 2011 he sent me an email on Christmas day, and he looked really well. He was sober and he wanted to meet with me, and I wanted to meet with him. Two days later he took me to my first open meeting, but I did not understand the program or the fellowship and I just wanted to treat the meeting like a date. But by the grace of God, on January 3, 2012, just seven days after that first meeting, I went to my first closed meeting by myself, with sincerity. When it came my turn to share, I introduced myself and said for the first time ever that I had a problem with alcohol. I have with great enjoyment and gratitude attended meetings regularly since then, with only two brief relapses. Today I have almost six years of consistent day-by-day sobriety.

Throughout all of my tragedies, the grace of God was present in them all. How I ended up in that closed meeting, I still have no idea. That young man who took me to my first meeting is now serving a life sentence for murder with no chance of parole for 22 years. I do not judge him. Mental illness, loneliness, and addiction make us do the most insane things.

Today I have a job where I am growing, and am making new friendships and connections. I at times have trouble accepting my mental illness and the reality that I will most likely always need to be on medication, but after ten days of once again thinking I am better off without it, and seeing the incredible challenges and work, in my relationships, and with my inherent black-and-white thinking that I must daily reprieve, I return to that treatment bestowed with a whole new level of understanding and conviction and acceptance, and I prepare for a new day to be the absolute best I can be in cooperation with God's will - a forgiven and redeemed daughter of God.

“A cold snub to a blazing revolution”

It's an uncomfortable feeling, that of failure with the slight speculation of disingenuity when I cannot practice my standards of living 100%. When that one percent of vengeance slithers in and disrupts my serenity, I know I am not at the summit of the mountaintop; I know I have missed the mark. And that's okay in this world, but in God's world, it's not enough - and that is the world I want citizenship. In God's world there is unconditional peace in His kingdom. I know it is not God's will for me to act in hatred while I must be in this world, so I therefore also know there is resistance on my end. A defiance to determine and execute the best course of action that would release me from a self-made prison.

The manipulative tactics I would take to pretend I have no grievances, either to save my reputation or to continue to appease my passions worked for a while, but today it is unacceptable. And so now I must own up to the shortcomings that have effortlessly carried me along most notably this past year, because the old way of pretending I am forgiving is not working. Through hard work and the grace of God I can see my errors without distortion or shame.

I have always suffered from the disease of, I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it (so screw you), and I have lost so many friends along the way. Because when it was time to choose between instinct and character-building, immediate indulgences won out every time, until that time ran out and I was left completely alone. In my journey of regeneration this isn't so much a challenge today as I have learnt about charity and the rewards that are so very bountiful and rewarding from choosing agape love, but now the understanding that yes I hold an objection today made evident though the honesty needed to hopefully one day make the right and Godly decision in how I choose to release it has come to the surface, and I await direction.

"Rainbow Mountain Peru" By Elizabeth Lang

Living in Purpose

I passed through an interesting transformation at the beginning of this week whereby I accepted the release of fear. Naturally it is liberating, but it has also brought about a sense of confidence and purpose in which all the years I prayed and worked to be released from fear I wasn't expecting. I think the most pivotal change has been that I sincerely care about other people. The release of my egotism has paved the way for connection, and therefore I know for certain now that the opposite of fear is love - something that was taught to me at the beginning of my regenerative journey.

There is a cocooning in this metamorphosis which protects me from defaulting to a survival state of fear which comes in the form of resentment most identifiable through feelings of regret, self-pity and jealousy. What I have come to notice is that these feelings arise from a false notion of entitlement that can instead  be recognized as threatening only because I am already blessed. When in fear I am crippled by the belief that my blessings are in danger of being removed, but by being grateful for what can feel threatened, that which once had the ability to disturb me is rendered powerless.

I needed to arrive at a place of acceptance through honesty by acknowledging that I didn't care to engage with people, learn from them, or need their friendship. Everything that anyone could ever say was a waste of time to me; even my own interests and hobbies became pointless. Since the leveling of my pride made possible through God's grace I became able and willing to live with a humble heart, rather than a cunning mind. The results have been miraculous and today I am no longer living on the peripheral of even my own life.

I see purpose and value in everything I do, from a simple chore to an extension of kindness. The freedom from needing validation has paradoxically made me feel more validated. This has strengthened my connection to God and to others because 1) I have complete confidence is what I do, and 2) I don't need the approval or compliments of others to feel good about myself.

There is no quick method to being rid of fear that I know of, but I don't believe it needs to be onerous work, either. At some point this week my attitude and outlook shifted from having to desperately pray "God, replace my fear with faith" to "Thank you God for your gifts today", and maybe it was just my time to reap what I have sown. While it took time and effort, I don't believe there are levels of initiation that must be passed in order to receive the peace of God and to feel satisfied in a twenty-four hour day, or that God's joy is only for a few. With intention and purpose, it is possible to live free of worry, confident in our surroundings.

Today I am respectful of my past, excited about my present, and hopeful for my future, and that is an awesome place to reside in.

Character Building

“Grant that I may seek to comfort rather than be comforted...” Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

As Bill Wilson so eloquently put, "Whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the chase after what we thought was happiness...Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." (Step Seven, pgs. 72+74)

When I was angry at people and afraid of the possible negative consequences of being the responsible nice guy, in other words being stricken with the fear of losing resources and companionship, I didn’t want to character-build. I wanted to complain and correct. I wanted everyone to be as good as me. It was a real backwards hypocrisy. But today I am able to take a time-out through meditation so that I don't have to act-out when I am feeling aggitated.

For me meditation is two-fold: first I study. I take the time and space to read meaningful spiritual text, then I reflect on it. It is the latter where the real work is done. That is where I apply what I learn and practice my design-for-living. It has taken me three years to meditate effectively on the above prayer (see link for full prose), and I am not even half-way there.

I wasn't always able to apply meditation. In my third year of sobriety I started a slippery slope of using a medication that has been so dangerous for people of spiritual bedevilments, the government put unbelievable restrictions on it. And while I never abused this medication, there was a mental component of dependency I suffered from. What if I don't get a refill? It was fear-based and text book addict-thinking.

Finally judgement day arrived. My doctor retired and my new doctor wouldn't give me a new prescription. Not until a meet-and-greet, at least. The panic set in, the mental disturbances roamed in my mind. I knew for certain, I was not living the recovery God had intended for me. I was convicted.

I prepped for my meeting, questioning where the thin line is in manipulating a doctor: how far do I push it before it becomes obvious? I needed to present myself as a mature, mentally-fit young woman who simply needed a little extra support "as needed", and that I would absolutely be responsible as I took this highly controlled substance. I was able to get a new script, albeit under a bit more of a regimented plan.

I had my wake-up call and was ready to change.........doctors, that is. I found someone who was much more liberal, but upon recognizing that I was knee-deep in recovery, he made it painfully clear that the drug I wanted to take would be considered breaking my sobriety by the fundamental members in my fellowship. Feelings of shame, paranoia, and failure beset me. I was convicted in the drug store when I couldn't get my prescription, but now I was serving my sentence. I became open to the possibility of not using this medication anymore.

Finally after two and a half years I began to put my money where my mouth is. I commenced to choose meditation over medication. God empowered me through artistic release when I called on The Great Physician instead of a pharmacist. I know for certain now that God's will for us is to be creative, and that is why he gave me the will, power, and determination to release from my hateful feelings and fears in a healthy way, through artistic expression - in a way that is in conjunction with my program of recovery, which is my way of life.

I chose character-building and I was victorious. I have been a light in the darkness, a lamp trimmed by Jesus Himself; fearless, unashamed, and FREE. Released from people places and things. My sobriety has not broken in my opinion, but it has certainly been strengthened. And again, I must practice my program in a real way, and "Live and Let Live" for those who will most certainly think I have. My dignity is no longer contingent on anything outside of myself, and that is why today I can talk about what I hid for over two years in fear of being ostracized. I have taken the final step into liberation and strength.

Before I started to choose character-building over comfort, I made a ton of excuses for myself. I'm sicker than most, it's pharmaceutical, I am suffering too much, it's a low dose, etc. But what I was really doing what cutting myself short, and not giving my recovery all of the blessings I could be. I now know that character-building is not pointless, and that I will not suffer for longer than necessary in choosing meditation over medication - in fact the relief is just about instantaneous.

I couldn’t figure out why I had so much faith in God, but still such a weak meditative practice. I couldn’t pass on the message, because when in the thick of it, I bailed. But today I love having a program to pass on, and it is so worth meditating through the intense moments of fear and apprehension in order to reap what I sow, for the next sufferer.

"We would much rather work for God than believe in Him. Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do?" - Oswald Chambers