It's an uncomfortable feeling, that of failure with the slight speculation of disingenuity when I cannot practice my standards of living 100%. When that one percent of vengeance slithers in and disrupts my serenity, I know I am not at the summit of the mountaintop; I know I have missed the mark. And that's okay in this world, but in God's world, it's not enough - and that is the world I want citizenship. In God's world there is unconditional peace in His kingdom. I know it is not God's will for me to act in hatred while I must be in this world, so I therefore also know there is resistance on my end. A defiance to determine and execute the best course of action that would release me from a self-made prison.
The manipulative tactics I would take to pretend I have no grievances, either to save my reputation or to continue to appease my passions worked for a while, but today it is unacceptable. And so now I must own up to the shortcomings that have effortlessly carried me along most notably this past year, because the old way of pretending I am forgiving is not working. Through hard work and the grace of God I can see my errors without distortion or shame.
I have always suffered from the disease of, I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it (so screw you), and I have lost so many friends along the way. Because when it was time to choose between instinct and character-building, immediate indulgences won out every time, until that time ran out and I was left completely alone. In my journey of regeneration this isn't so much a challenge today as I have learnt about charity and the rewards that are so very bountiful and rewarding from choosing agape love, but now the understanding that yes I hold an objection today made evident though the honesty needed to hopefully one day make the right and Godly decision in how I choose to release it has come to the surface, and I await direction.
The manipulative tactics I would take to pretend I have no grievances, either to save my reputation or to continue to appease my passions worked for a while, but today it is unacceptable. And so now I must own up to the shortcomings that have effortlessly carried me along most notably this past year, because the old way of pretending I am forgiving is not working. Through hard work and the grace of God I can see my errors without distortion or shame.
I have always suffered from the disease of, I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it (so screw you), and I have lost so many friends along the way. Because when it was time to choose between instinct and character-building, immediate indulgences won out every time, until that time ran out and I was left completely alone. In my journey of regeneration this isn't so much a challenge today as I have learnt about charity and the rewards that are so very bountiful and rewarding from choosing agape love, but now the understanding that yes I hold an objection today made evident though the honesty needed to hopefully one day make the right and Godly decision in how I choose to release it has come to the surface, and I await direction.
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| "Rainbow Mountain Peru" By Elizabeth Lang |
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