In Your Eyes

Many many years ago,
Before the curse grabbed hold,
I looked into your eyes
and said I'd never let you go.

It's not like this day wasn't coming,
It's not the present or the future that I see,
It's the past, and knowing I was absent
Not protecting what I promised would be.

What time is left, I will see you again
You and me, we are the same.
I'll look into your eyes once more
And you'll relieve me of all the blame.

Because that what the saints all do,
Those who can do no wrong
Those who are mistaken and misunderstood
Those who never could belong.

Double-minded

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." - Two- Face, The Dark Knight Rises

John Donne famously wrote, "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." Supposing that this is true, it should be said that we must reach a time where we are corrupted. I have been contemplating the idea of assimilation into the world. Can God's people withstand the debasement of the unregenerated human nature and overcome our inclined weakness to conform?

Jesus said to Peter, "Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail." (Luke 22.31-2). There is no promise that even the saints won't succumb to the evil of the world. There is no guarantee that even the devout won't be polluted.

There hardly seems a solution. But if Jesus prayed for us, it would be nothing short of stupidity that we do not pray for our integrity, faith, and commitment as well. St. Paul said that true worship (honour) is a daily renewing of the mind. (Romans 12.2) In this same breath Paul addressed the pressures of the world, of our environments, and he offers incredible hope. What we failed at yesterday, we can overcome today.

Pray for your redemption, to be delivered from the iniquity of this world, from the destitution of your surroundings and the insistence of those within it. The best part about failing is knowing what precisely needs to be changed. We are not defined by our mistakes, we are defined by our efforts.

Living in Joy

"Joy is the ultimate creator." (Gabrielle Bernstein)

In my experience, times of joy have been far and few between. But I have developed a new way of living over the past 5+ years where I am learning what for me is true definition of joy. I used to think that joy meant happiness, cheer. and success - and it does, but today I think of it as exaltation.

When I am animated, I am able to create, and then it comes back around full circle where I experience joy once more in appreciating what I have made. But it took a long time for me to learn this. Instead of creating out of joy, I destroyed out of agitation. It's no wonder that joy has been virtually absent from my life.

But I then began to learn a new way of living where I also adopted a new definition of joy - Freedom. Freedom from all of the passions that I thought joy represented; freedom in now knowing that happiness, cheer, and success are not what will give me a quality and honest life.

For a very long time I lived in emotional and material scarcity, but worse than that, I thought I deserved it. Even today as I practice material and spiritual alchemy, I must resist the belief of karma, that I get what I deserve. And yet I also resist the belief that I am entitled to joy. I am not entitled to anything, in fact that word repulses me. But I am able to gladly reap what I sow, and in the miraculous when I reap what I do not sow, I acknowledge what was given to me.

"Freedom is never free".  Just as I have to work to create, I also must to work to experience joy. There is a process of deprogramming and that is no easy feat. Finding the right methods and breaking free from tyrannous systems can be exhausting. People think that the therapy is for the deprogramming, but we also need recovery for the process of reversing brain-washing as well. That process is just as traumatic as the events that led to needing help in the first place.

Living a life of joy, of creation, is still elusive to me. It's hard to imagine a life with joy in it. So much so it took over half a week to actually write this piece and publish it after having it saved as a draft. The only reason why I chose this topic is because I pulled a card from a deck called The Universe Has Your Back. I felt like playing with cards in the goal of finding a topic to write on. But today I forgive that selfishness that has been at the root of my inability to live in real freedom and creation, because I believe that is merely a coping mechanism that I adapted growing up with alcoholism and mental illness.

In writing this piece, I believed that I was denying Jesus' teachings on joy. Since I couldn't recall an exact quote of Jesus speaking about joy, I did a quick Google search, and I saw this from the Gospel of John, the most romantic, beautiful, and mysterious book in the entire Bible:

"Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." (John 16.20, NKJV)

It will take time. The road to recovery is long - if we are lucky and survive the journey that is often in worn-out sandals, with blisters, wild animals waiting to devour, the blazing sun and bitter cold, hunger and thirst, and all sort of aches and pains. But today, I could never say no to that walk.

Evil Personified

It is chaos.
It is loud, and yet inaudible.
They yell when I must speak
Jealous of each other, but show fake love.

When the cat is in,
They behave.
They are simply mice,
but I have lost my compassion.

They broke me down,
and I prepare for flight,
because I have wings,
And they hate that I can soar.

But in my heart, I know I can't really fly.
I am a mangled dog, infected and pathetic.
I wonder, if I am good enough,
Will you keep me?

Oh how they taunt me.
And God no longer provides.
I tried so hard to serve,
but now, I am just a shell.

A Truce

When it comes to healing trauma, the Bible doesn't say too much about it. Mental illness, which is the product of trauma, was considered a demonic possession (as were all forms of illness and why Jesus could heal on the spot). Today, other than the orthodox religious, we do not believe that mental or physical illness is the result of Satan's attacks, but rather biological defects. Because of this, it can be really hard to target specific people with comforting verses in scripture, because there are none that specifically address mental or even physical illness. This is because Christianity is dedicated to dying to self and lifting up our crosses. The problem with mental illness though is that it attacks the mind in such a way that the sufferer is essentially incapable of this sort of sacrifice.

I believe this is why New Age is popular - it addresses pain and stress in a very friendly and colourful way, and of course that is attractive. But it is rooted in emotionalism and is fleeting. Still, I am entertaining the thought that New Age can act as an appendage, adding a psychological component. Now, this is murky water for two reasons: 1) It suggests that the Bible doesn't have all the answers, and 2) It can water down parts of the Bible that are popular for the public to take from, but taken out of context.

I am feeling a very strong calling to open up to this idea though, because I have never been fully on-board with the born-again Christian community: their fear-tactics very rarely affected me because blood is thicker than water and I am a Masonic legacy. Now that I am starting my own ministry, this might actually be the time to remember that while Jesus is the narrow gate (Matthew 7.13-4), the highway for God's people is broad, so that they don't lose their footing (Psalm 18.36).

I know I have come down hard on the New Age community since my born-again experience on July 19, 2019, but that is only out of love for all who are like myself - broken and defeated, and I want to warn against the self-exertion of self-healing that we do and attempt through the New Age movement. I have been mentally and physically ill from the New Age and what it asked of me and what it "offered" me, to the point I believe there is permanent damage. But I also see in it the beauty of inclusivity, the virtue of hope, and the aspiration of strength.

It hasn't been easy for me to minister the Gospel, to have my words fall on closed ears and shuttered hearts, and by no means will I compromise the message of the cross in order to win followers, but I am willing to walk with a bit of the way until it becomes evident that God will walk the entire way. I have the advantage of knowing Jesus and of never having been afraid of the New Age as my colleagues have, and so this places me in a position of timeliness that I believe is genuine and can be extremely fruitful, for both myself and those willing to get honest with themselves and God.

I have been extremely damaged by the New Age to the point that even some of its language repulses me, and I have experienced for myself and observed in my peers fruitless results. But I also believe that there is an ideal within it that might be effectively tapped into. It is within that spirit of forgiveness, healing, science, progress, sacrifice, and peace that I will work to be of the utmost service, while still maintaining the integrity of the violence that those who gave us the Bible had to endure.

False Peace

The problem with the "prosperity gospel" is that it teaches the *now*, with only material blessings and abundance. The Good News is twisted. That we are atoned for by Jesus is removed from the equation, and it becomes that we are destined for health, wealth, and happiness. This is 100% out of alignment with what the early apostles taught and experienced. It ignores the ENTIRE message, which is to repent and accept everlasting life, and to reject this world of decay and selfishness.

"There is no greater love than this: to lay down ones life for his friends." (John 15.13). "Name it and Claim it" is New Thought repackaged and teaches healing WITHOUT preparation! It is a total scam, and makes us God. It is rejection of Christ and is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. It is not "feel good", "Be agreeable", "Don't make waves" "One love", It is the original definition of mind control, and is at best egoism.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" (Matthew 7.15). False prophets speak of the a path where everyone can get along, where everyone can have their needs met, where God will perform the impossible for the dejected souls and use miraculous stories in the Old and New Testaments to suggest "That could be you!" with, as true to prosperity preaching, not including the ten verses above and below which explain the FAITH and the REDEMPTION through WORKS that are required for the chosen to be granted exception to! 

And this is why we who minister call these "witnesses" wolves. Because they devour and destroy. They perpetuate stagnancy and sin by saying that our trouble will go away if we just pray the right way, or believe in the right way, or think the right way. And it is the last point that bothers me the most, because a sick person cannot think themselves well, as the disease starts in the mind (1 Peter 5.8-9).

Which leads me to my next point - spiritual warfare. I understand the desire to come across as a loving, kind, open-minded person. And I am here to say that we can still be those things, and have conviction in Christ. Christ was gentle and meek: he sacrificed for ALL people, even when there were times he tried to go on his own way, he always turned back to help those not of his flock (Matthew 15.21-8), (Luke 17.11-7). We can be tolerant and compassionate while still recognizing the Way of the Cross is violent and requires weapons.

There is healthy fighting, and unhealthy fighting. I know the difference because I have engaged in both. Unhealthy fighting is based in fear and selfishness. It is the product of acting out in sin, and it is 100% futile. Healthy fighting is taking a stand against injustice in the physical world, and maintaining a circumscribed heart in the spiritual world. I know what it's like to want to fight, and to not want to fight. The desire to fight is based in ego and pride. It is an addiction whereby the brain activates the adrenal gland and releases epinephrine. For those of us prone to chemical dependence, this actually feels really good and validates us in many ways.

But healthy fighting is within a respected perimeter where we know it is the absolute last resort and is not desired or necessary to feel satisfied. In fact, though it is healthy it can feel awful, just like a diet or the foods contained in that diet are oftentimes unpleasant. My life has been a fight from the beginning, and because of that, along with my direct experience with Jesus in 2011, I have made peace with conflict. The world I know, my inner world and the world around me is constant resistance, and that my friends can be used for good.

Pretending that things are okay when they are not will not protect anyone from snares, and that is because these are undetectable traps, hidden and camouflaged. Satan doesn't come to us with scary features, he comes as a beautiful angel of light (2 Corinthians 11.14). Know the difference between superficial peace and real world hardship because ignorance might protect us in a fallen world but in the world where our ransom has been paid, it is of no use (Matthew 22.11-14).

Through Fasting and Prayer

"Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." (Matthew 17.20-21, NKJV)

I've know this verse by heart for years, because fasting has always been one of the hang-ups in my discipline, and I know that as a healer, I must make peace with that and have seasons where I practice it. For those of you who well enough know your Bible, and are not familiar with the last sentence, it might be because it has actually been removed from many translations. Some versions even go so far as to jump from verse 20 to 22. I only realized this upon preparing to cite the scripture, and I thought I was losing my mind when I could not find it! Not the NIV, NLT, MSG, or ESV - all my favourite Bibles - had it. So, I went to the king of Bibles, pun intended. The King James Version is my general go-to translation when I am confused about a passage. I cannot emphasize the relief I felt when I finally found verse 21. This is a huge recognition that I must process now, and that will be for another day.

In the meantime, the purpose of this piece to to help those who are preparing to perform, or have performed, an exorcism. My priest is an exorcist, and he told me that what they show in the movies is nothing compared to what happens in real life. I would like to note here that anyone can perform exorcisms in the name of Jesus Christ, just as anyone can baptize new believers in the formula of the Trinity. That said, there are perimeters that ought to be understood, because there are consequences to telling a spirit where to go.

Upon some light research and reaching out to those who know more than me, I made some discoveries. Once I got some second-hand information which matched up to my own experiences, the purpose became a bit more clear. This is a means to provide help to those who are considering performing an exorcism and are afraid of the side-effects, or those who have performed one and need a bit of consolation and affirmation of character now. The one thing that I needed the most after preforming my first exorcism was being told that I am still a good person, because the first response of the enemy will be to attack the integrity of the person.

The problem is that the symptoms cannot be pinpointed; it will just look like you're having a bad day or feeling a little moody. Once I reached out and connected with people,  I realized that my character was being assaulted as a desperate attempt to bring me down and in knowing that, it no longer had power over me. Below are some symptoms that might be experienced, and my goal here is to show: a) There is nothing to be afraid of, and, b) Once identified, it is easy to over-throw. So here they are:

1. Depression
2. Frustration 
3. Exhaustion
4. Physical glitches
5. Aversion to Christ and the Bible

These are the symptoms that I experienced, and are quite clever weapons of the devil because it does two things: a) Makes us believe it is not worth it and to give up, and, b) Are disguised as just everyday moods that anyone can experience so the point of inception is easy to miss. But once it is understood that the practitioner cannot actually be hurt, there comes a relief:

1. Confidence with identity in Christ
2. Connection to others
3. Exhaustion become safe relaxation time
4. Physical reparation through diet or supplements
5. Strong witnessing of the Gospel

Please note that the points that I have mentioned are from a passive exorcism. Not much prep time went into it and I would not attempt a formal procedure without the preparation of fasting and prayer. I am not qualified to write on standard exorcism, which I consider guerrilla warfare to be left for the mercenaries and professionals.

What we take on during an exorcism cannot affect us the way we might fear. With the proper information, we can in fact do what the apostles did, and help transform communities through this method of spiritual warfare. Please note that we perform these rituals out of love and compassion, not out of duty. Exorcisms are not the go-to for loving thy neighbour, there are other ways to do that. There must be a strength in the practitioner that this is worth it. And that is how we will stay safe afterward. 

During moments of uncertainty in what step to take, I have learnt that sometimes just being a person's friend is the best form of healing that we can provide. And remember, if something is taking us away from God, we are not in our right mind and there is something much more devious happening than a bad day.