I Am Abundant

As I listened to beautiful classical music on community FM radio, I took the scenic route home from work this evening. I passed several landmarks of my youth, and I felt sadness. But today I know that feeling of sadness comes from a place of a skewed perception signalling to me that I both lost what I had, and didn't get enough of what I wanted during that time which those landmarks represented, as well.

That sorrow is not only being felt in vain, it is false.

It is false because I know that my God has not only not forsaken me, but that I am today in a place of abundance. This means two things: 1) I was never meant to have more of what I had in those places in space and time, and 2) Whatever I believe was taken from me was either not there to be taken in the first place, and that more is to be revealed IN GOD'S TIME.

Today I live in God's world, I don't just visit it time-to-time when I am feeling as Oswald Chambers put it "on the mountaintop". In God's world there are no accidents, and no one is left behind. In my grief during the early phases of my recovery I would ask God why He took things from me. He replied, "I have far greater things planned for you." I share this because while it was a personal comfort sent to me in a moment of distress, I believe that this message is universal.

As Joyce Meyer says, we are not victims - we are children of God. Every time I come from a place of lack, scarcity, trauma, or fear, I am setting myself up to break down any form of success that I am building up in my new life. The prayer of St. Francis of Assisi reads, "It is better to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved." These words have spiritually saved my life, and it is the people like the preachers and the saints, the authors and the recovered dreamers who are demonstrating that this world is abundant and now I know, so am I.

So when those attacking thoughts come, and they come without warning, I have the tools provided by those who came before me, and I pick them up and I use them. There is always a road map, and when it's from God, there are no hidden roads, there is only peace and the satisfaction of knowing that not only am I enough, I am of pure magic, and therein lies abundance.

March Madness to April Gladness

I have gone through major changes this new year, and it set me off course for a bit. April is now here and I am magically transformed. I am learning practicality and balancing that with my creativity. I am back to a place of centeredness, which for me means being true to my values and joys while remaining a responsible member of society (employed, honest, law-abiding). But for a short while I was very anxious and saddened, because I was not defending my values and joys. I was not feeling confident in my place in this world, and I was beginning to think I was too far gone after decades of poor decision-making to have a life that I really would want to make a living with. Being a romantic, a rebel, an artist, and a spiritualist, what was a life without love for what I did in ALL parts of my life? Indeed, March was a month of tears.

But I am an Aries and now in my season of fiery passion. In making a decision to find balance between the material and the spiritual, ease and comfort has returned back into my life. Today I have a much more healthy view of life and what is realistic and what is nonsense, and the latter does not disturb me as it once did. I have also make a decision to believe that hard work does pay off, no matter how invisible, disadvantaged, or unassuming one is.

April is a month of healing for many of us. For me it is a time to form new habits to become my best version, which ultimately means having time for all areas that are important for a life well-lived, while having the discipline to resist the easier softer way of delusion, short cuts, exasperation, and regret.

Time to consider in a new season

In preparing my new fashion blog, updating my LinkedIn, and researching designers instead of philosophers, my personal study and blog has taken a hit. In working on physical alchemy - transforming my career path - my spiritual alchemy has taken a back seat. Now I am working on giving more time to my regenerative work, because I simply don't feel good without it.

I received a powerful message today that it's time to tune into the stillness where God resides. Lately I've been moving frenetically, and while I was conscious to invite God into my life sporadically throughout my days while hoping that my works would bear the fruit I crave, it hasn't been sustainable. Instead of travelling into that centre where there is complete love, I was orbiting along the periphery, and in that there were always conditions attached that I required for a satisfying day.

My breath has been cut off for months - my entire life source! In tending to the rich, I left my nourishment behind, because I believed I couldn't move fast enough to do both a good job and maintain my connection to my spiritual practice, which comes firstly from my breath.

Time is money, that is a fact which I have learnt, and for some reason, I thought I couldn't work hard enough or fast enough and still breathe freely at the same time. I held my breath for the entire fall and winter seasons, and last week when I tried to get back to square breathing (inhale, hold, exhale, hold), my heartbeat sped up because there was resistance. It felt like a psychic attack. How did I get so far off track?

Now I am returning to a place of calmness where all inspiration and sustenance are drawn from. This rebound to reconnect is incredibly challenging because time isn't just money - it is a condition placed on all life and I have found that I cannot manage it. As I revisit spiritual alchemy, I learn balance. I learn reverence for all the parts of a day that need attention. What needs to be changed or modified in my life to ensure that I am moving at a healthy pace and that my material, spiritual, and emotional needs are met?

Spring is here and it is time for renewal. I know what I need to do, and life really isn't that complicated. I am powerless over time, but I can still work in accordance with it: I can learn how to master what time I am given. This new season, it will be the rebirth of my breath and my connection to God, or to Life Source.

February is the coldest month

Since January 2011, I have posted at least one article per month. At times I chose a blog interface where the side of the homepage showed each year active, and viewers could see every month under the year, denoting articles. I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. For February 2019 however, there will not be any articles displaying. This is because after a disappointing start to the new year in January, and a new assignment that kept me from my computer, I really only communicated through poems. And rather graphic ones, at that. I realized near the end of the month, I wasn't comfortable keeping them up, and so they are no longer available for viewing.

When I looked at my dashboard upon preparing for this entry, not entirely sure the direction of the piece, I could see five drafts posted in February, two of them works in progress from the end of December - all poems. I have always loved poetry; my dream in high school was to be studied as a writer and my fear was not being appreciated until postmortem. But I had a very long hiatus from writing poetry, since the end of high school. This is for various reasons, but what brought me back to writing poetry was the death of a best friend in 2013, which broke my heart into multiple pieces, all representing different parts of what I grieved. My sorrow closed all of my feelings in, and writing out key words in a gentle rhythm was the only way I could in a quiet way during a vulnerable time express my pain.

As the years went on, I realized poetry was the best way for me to, in a safe, healthy, creative, and satisfying way, release feelings of rejection, loss, and staticity. So to see that I will not be posting any pieces for February because they were all poems, which I decided through healing in the latter part of the month were no longer cohesive to this blog, I now reflect on this seeming failure to not maintain my status quo after many years.

But was it a failure? Of course not. I wrote prolifically, and a couple of those pieces I am proud of, but for now they are for my memory only. I believe writing poetry is the most pure and basic way to reach the end goal of catharsis and if it's a good piece, others will in some way relate to it, and maybe even take a phrase to go along with them on this trek through the wilderness toward liberation from stress.

Walking in conviction

I have a wonderful new friend who is from a strict Muslim country, and when discussing my plans for my day off today, I felt that I might have made him nervous when I said that my meeting with my priest has been rescheduled. I am certain he was a little set off, and even defensive, as he went on to talk about atheist philosophers and the doctrine of absurdism.

So after promptly wishing each other a good day I later followed up with him, asking if he was disturbed, and he said whatever makes me happy is good, and it made me consider the idea of happiness, and how our beliefs and values contribute to that.

It makes perfect sense to adopt the attitude, if it makes you happy, go for it. But nothing is without limit. When I trespass on someone's security, I am no longer in the "right" to do what makes me "happy". My faith and commitment to my religion is generally an autonomous one. I very rarely make my affiliation public and I most certainly don't try to convince others to see things "my" way, unless I am writing something of an evangelical nature, and in that regards people can simply choose to not click on my links.

I am so grateful to have the Bible as a measuring stick. I live in my head a lot of the time, or in a community of like-minded people. A hive mentality can be just as misconceiving as a lone mind, so I always go back to the Bible to ensure it connects, and then I know it's true.

Of course it hurts when my convictions are confronted. I was in the spirituality section last week buying a book by C.H. Spurgeon and I recalled the memes I see where "The Bible" is in the fictional section. But this is where we, as believers, must train. We must be ready for the onfalls, which will happen, and happen without warning.

To have faith is to have strength, it is to remain steadfast in the face of adversity and to remain connected to our values in the waves of weakheartedness. It is to show confidence under pressure, and will in fact be demonstrated though success of various forms in mundane existence.

This is a reason why, as I mentioned in yesterday's piece, it is so important for me to read the Bible from front to back, because I require the fine details for when I am met with doubt, from within or without. There are some horrific events in the Bible, as well as sublime stories that don't make much sense, so I am in no way baffled as to why, especially in today's cultural revolution and the hyper security in our social media climate, that more and more people are not only leaving their family traditions, but actively opposing them.

Still, there are a few of us who continue to study, and who actually take the actions too. Prayer, fasting, meditation....that which are crucial for any revelation that is required for continuity, but also for the spiritual discipline to have the agility to stand up to opposition. Opposition that I do believe is not usually made in malice, but in frustration.

I'm back to chatting with my new friend; we have found different topics - literature and dance. He talks about Russian and French novelists and I respond with Russian and French ballet companies :) There is no reason why we who walk with Christ need to compromise. Ever. If a timeout is needed, by all means, that is in all likelihood God's will to refuel us with new inspiration anyway. May the peace of the Lord be with you always.

After the storm

After a month of spiritual confusion and sorrow, righteous conviction, restitution and finally reconciliation, I am on a huge roll of unification with God and my peers. It is a reboot and I knew it was coming, but wasn't expecting the peace that would accompany it. But with this serenity comes a sort of naivety that all can be rainbows, and I use this word with complete intent.

I am behind my One Year Bible readings and with renewed energy am (attempting) to catch up now. The Word of God is strong in this segment on my Path and I don't want to jump ahead to the current day. I want to really chronologically read the Bible, so when I am inspired by evangelists, or any sermons for that matter, I can feel confident that I know the context of the passages used, and that their teachings can be trusted.

So in my serene little bubble this morning I struggled to read about God's regret for humankind in Genesis chapter 6, and I had to stop as Noah was introduced into the epic. Mankind has acted out of control, and is about to be violently wiped out. But then within a minute, I thought of the moments when I am not serene. I recalled the violence that lurks below the surface, when my instincts are threatened. A wild horse still needing to be broken to a state of humility where I can give to God that which I use to take with force.

And this is not about self-flagellation, this is evidence of the state in daily existence, should we be so fortunate as to really be a part of life. When resources are absent or low, the untamed nature arises, and great evils are committed. But there is a hope that comes in the form of reflection, discipline, sacrifice, and committed connection to self and others. This is a training that can instead surface in times when instincts are threatened.

This doesn't mean that I am righteous, it doesn't mean that I am cured of a soul sickness that plagues all people, but it does mean that I have a chance at not only choosing God in times of trouble, but in fact being diverted from difficulty and obsession altogether. I can learn to live on less, talk less, judge others less, and fight my own faults less. For me this is the true meaning of contentment, and are methods that I can use when I am feeling inadequate, other-than, and fearful.

Apprehension and conflict, which come in the form of anything imaginable, are lurking around every corner. But with God and friends who have the same goals, I wonder if it is possible to create and reside in a world that supports harmony and justice.

The Blackness

I couldn't make a place for you where
you would want to return
And so I set off on my own way
Determined to endure.

Of all that I could give to you,
now lost along the way;
Like the deadened lilies of my youth
How could it not have been the same.

So adieu to you, how I wish I left
with a semblance of a grace
but that is how it ends sometimes,
when a girl has been misplaced.