On this Lenten season

Wow, did I ever mess it up this month, but God is Good! He thirsts for those who thirst for Him, and I was parched and so He never left me, even though I deserved to perish in my sins. May I never be so philosophical and foolish again! I am comforted in knowing that regardless of what happens to my soul, the Devil will never prevail against Christ's Church, even if we all are sick enough to leave it. 

The Christian's Hardships

"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, 

so that our ministry will not be discredited.  

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: 

in great endurance; 

in troubles, hardships, and distresses; 

in beatings, imprisonments, and riots; 

in hard work, sleepless nights, and hunger; 

in purity, understanding, patience, and kindness; 

in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love, 

in truthful speech and in the power of God; 

with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 

through glory and dishonour, 

bad report and good report; 

genuine, yet regarded as impostures, 

known, yet regarded as unknown; 

dying, and yet we live on; 

beaten, and yet not killed; 

sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; 

poor, yet making many rich; 

having nothing, 

and yet possessing everything."

2 Co 6.3-10

1 Corinthians 1.26--9

"Consider, brothers, how you were called;
not many of you are wise by human standards,
not many influential,
not many from noble families.
No, God chose those who by human standards are fools to shame the wise;
he chose those who by humans standards are weak to shame the strong,
those who by human standards are common and contemptible  -
indeed those who count for nothing - to reduce to nothing all those that do count for something,
so that no human being might feel boastful before God."

The New Jerusalem Bible

"Hitting Bottom"

I am not going to lie about it anymore, via manipulation to myself or to others in my sharing. I did not have my bottom, and I never will. Such confidence, right? Isn’t self-confidence a liability though? Not in this case, for it is not of self, but of God.

I thought that I needed a “bottom” to be accepted by my peers. Like most alcoholics, we adjust to what is abnormal until it is normal, until we no longer see the rot within us. Deep down I felt like I wasn’t really sick. Look at me, this sweet pretty little girl, how could I be like those degenerates, how on earth could I fellowship with the broken and the vicious? Well, I was devious and dishonest, even to myself. The reality is that I would steal, cheat, and tarnish, all for the sport of it. So no, I didn’t need a bottom to fully enter into the program, I qualified by my own sheer wickedness. After all, the literature also says that we alcoholics can’t remember any pain from the not-so-distant past. How, then, could a darkness in my life possibly over-ride my mental illness, and what I had became chemically altered to do? The shameful acts that I committed, the friends that I lost, was enough to get me through the doors, but not enough to keep me sober: I was back out in half a year.

Then I had some more inconveniences, yes the hangovers, the little mishaps here and there, the emotional remorse, and I came back and made it ten months and one day, until I was out once more. But this time, something was different. This time I communed with people who had found Christ, and who handed me down enough tools and information in the few weeks that I was with them, to know what true recovery really looked like. And I had the closest to the bottom that I will ever have. My greatest fear came nearly to fruition, I could almost smell it. You think that’s a cliché, but it’s not in this case. I can still almost smell it; that sterile and medicated scent that a lot of us know.

I was led to my bottom, but I refused to go. I stood at the gates of hell and was taken there by people who I relied on. But Jesus of Nazareth got there first, and he said no, I’m not crossing through that threshold. I never looked back. I have experienced in sobriety what had always led me to drink and drug: that inexplicable heartache and the fear, dread, and disappointment that come from it; that inability to feel my feelings now had to be felt, and now I know that I have withstood the test of time: I have fully immersed into Christ, and he in me, and I will never be misled again.

And yes, I’m still tired. This time though, I rest in Him. Amen.

Hurricane

The anticipation has been exhausting
The letdown had been steep
but depression didn't take me
I just needed some more sleep.

In God's time

When I had put it aside

I thought I really didn’t want it

I thought I was just protecting myself

And only interested to flaunt it. 

But now that I see

I let fear keep me away

That I disobeyed God

And let the Devil lead me astray.

As if I didn't jump for joy
As if I didn't slightly tear
As if I didn't thank the stars
So grateful I persevered.

I can’t go back now

It’s too far in the game

I can’t get it together

I can’t catch it up and still make

The requirements needed

It won’t wait and I know

This was my own selfish doing

And by now, it is gone.

And I think what hurts most

Is not so much the wait

But realizing they don’t see 

By then it might be too late.

It isn’t even there

That idea that I could be

Normal in society

With instincts so healthy.

But maybe that’s just it.
Did I not complete that first step

And did I not take an oath
To sacrifice and relent

And then go out into the world
To proclaim the great news
So I may fish for those souls
Who have not yet been healed.

Those poor unfortunates
Who are just as I then was

So used up and alone

So disgustingly lost

I suppose it is good

That I can just take this time

To work and to rest

And give away what’s now mine.

The calm before the storm

Can you feel it?

Get ready.