My Sat Nam

After not being able to forgive a transgression made against me in January, thereby causing more pain knowing that I could not live out my faith and so causing me to question my place in the Church, and then coupled with entering AA that same month, where we truly need to come to an understanding about a higher power, I have without any effort returned to my Sat Nam. And this time, I know that it's for real.

As written in my March blog, "Sat Nam" means "My Name is Truth". Today, this means more than it has in the 8 years that I have practiced kundalini yoga. After much ups and downs and hurt feelings with my faith the past half a year, I have realized that I can not longer pledge allegiance to any man-made institution. As mentioned in my last blog, I will no longer tolerate the intolerance that I harboured, or the belittlement of the parisher. And yes, letting go of the fear was tough, and I was depressed all last week. I have been preparing for this moment for a long time though, and it feels good because I never felt settled about leaving yoga after receiving my teaching certificate in 2009.

What I love about Sat Nam is that I know I am Truth, and also that my name, Carly, means "woman". I am a woman, and that is all I really know. After struggling with my womanhood my entire life, I can now with confidence exclaim my truth. I truly believe that I will never falsely align with another's truth again; and though peer pressure never ends, I will not adhere to another's spiritual or doctrinal's truth. That means that I must stay strong and stand up for myself. 

Now that I recognize and honour my truth, I am prepared to go inside and confront my shadows so that they may be released. I believe that only kundalini yoga can help me achieve this, because when I first got sober 2 years ago, I experience such a fierce shadow that I left the class in tears and did not return to it. Now I am sober again, and I am desperate o be relieved of this pain that holds me back and hurts my relationship. Yes, desperate.

I still have fear, but it's about being physically or mentally uncomfortable, not about being rejected at the Pearly Gates. Besides, Saint Peter doesn't hold the key to the kingdom of God, we hold the key ourselves. Even Jesus said, "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you." (And I have used a Catholic Bible translation). I will do my best to not be sucked in to any doctrines, to not be too influenced by even the greatest of teachers, and to not become some crazed New Age yogi while I'm at it. All I want is to get better, to be the best me that I can be, and to live my own truth.

My new higher Power

I have decided to turn AA into my higher power, in that I have decided, I believe on my own free accord, and possibly with God's blessing, to completely surrender, thereby truly accepting Step 1.

I knew my life was unmanageable, which brought me into my first meeting on January 3, 2012, but I did not feel defeated. Today, I feel utterly beaten down. But I do not feel hopeless.

I have suffered, and I no longer believe that I deserve it, as the Church would have me believe (and I suppose why it gives zero tools on how to heal, other than the sacraments, and I know how well those work...).  

For three years I dutifully attended Mass at least once a week. And yes, up until January when I entered AA which is a spiritual program, and became estranged from my mother due to my inability to forgive her for her transgressions, thereby spinning my faith into a cyclone, I have struggled with what to do.

But now I feel more directed, because what I do know is even believing that Jesus broke my curses, even taking communion, even going to confession, I was not healing. In fact, I was getting worse. I was full of fear and hatred toward anyone who wasn't Christian - even my own friends, and the Eucharist could not stop my binge drinking and weed smoking, nor provide a sense of peace: I still was popping benzodiazepines. 

Today, I am sober, I am not smoking cigarettes, and I am not taking tranquilizers. I can analyze everything until my last breath, but one of my favourite quotes is, "All we can do is make the best decisions we can, based on the information at hand." My actions make me believe that I am on the right path.

And today, I can stick up for myself, and not through fighting; rather, by walking away with ease. I simply don't need everyone to like me, also something that I learnt is people will talk even if they appear friendly. Now, I am not being a martyr; I was truly fake in my personality. I thought I was a good person, but really, I only associated with the wrong people because I myself was wrong, and so, in a vain sense of self-righteousness, I tried to lift up people who were not only none of my business, but who in actuality drained me, distracted me, and insulted me behind my back.

I do believe that God has given me AA which has been providing me with the information and help that the Church wouldn't, or couldn't, afford me. All I really know for sure is that I am confident enough to get better now, and the Church is really not helping me whatsoever. Thankfully, I am growing as spiritually strong as ever through AA, in fact I am healthier than I have ever been, and this actually feels so strange, I often want to run from it. I am simply not used to being this pure and genuine. I am not polluting my body (other than eating fast food, and that will go next) and I am constantly looking at my actions, owning up to my mistakes, "taking inventory" (Step 4), and being honest about my past so that I may have a better present. 

I always wanted to be of service: first I strived to achieve this in yoga, and then through spreading the Gospels in Catholicism. But looking back, all I did was alienate myself and others; it was always choosing sides - me verses them. I now believe that it is about impossible for anyone to be spiritually influential; in a very sick world; it only looks fake, deluded, and self-righteous. But now that I admit that I too am sick, and no longer try to hide it, I am getting stronger, because it is only through admission that we can start over. Now, I can be of service to anyone who does want to get better (and not through promotion, which I believe to be the number one deal-breaker, but rather through attraction [Tradition 11]), because I know I'm not the only one who has a long history of drinking, drugging, and begging to find sobriety.

All that said, I do not "reach out" to people or try to help them anymore, however I am much more positive, and yes I do hope to help others get better if I can. I might still be making mistakes along the way, but I also do not feel a sense of authority anymore that my former institutions granted me, which often put me on power trips that made me hard to identify with. I realize now that nothing that I have done in the past 8 years has stopped any injustices in the world, or removed me from my own state of poverty. I'm just another mentally ill alcoholic who is starting to do a good job at putting my life in order, and who is finally finding peace and confidence. And that, for me, is just wonderful :)

Healers

There's a New Ager on Facebook who I subscribe to.  She posted a YouTube video (*warning: it's on auto-play), where she asserts that we are all born as healers.

While I would like to agree with her, and have believed pretty much forever that I am one, the first letter to the Corinthians would disagree with her claim. St. Paul states that when we are bestowed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, we receive different geniuses.  One person might possess the gift of discernment, while another the gift of tongues, while another the gift of healing, and a person who becomes able to heal - not as an innate feature, but as a gift from God - can heal not only with the laying of hands, as the video only mentions, but also just by having his or her shadow fall on the inflicted.

Every so often, when the time is right, Leija's voice is very powerful to me. I wanted to believe her, and I put my hands on my trapeze muscles and commanded them to heal, but only if it were Jesus' will.  This is where I began to wonder.

Healers, such as Reiki masters, for example, do not accredit anything to themselves: all the power is (their understanding of) God's.  Leija states in her video that she is just a channel, and the outcome is not up to her.

So is she, to a Christian standard, blasphemous?  One of my favourite prayers is this Jesuit one, "Let me do my days work calmly and quietly, carefully and prayerfully, and above all, in the name of Jesus."  This healer is not using Jesus' name, but she is also not using her own name - a grave offence in the Old Testament.  Since she is recognizing herself only as an instrument to God, and since Christians believe that Jesus is God, is it possible that she is healing righteously?

"Whoever is not against us is for us." (See the entire passage about driving out demons, aka healing, here).

Editors Note: I came across this short book. Witches, Midwives, and Nurses: A History of Women Healers, here, in PDF; an interesting read.

Ballet tips

This might seem hard to believe for some readers of my blogs, given my topics of choice, but I am actually a pretty good ballet dancer. I currently teach ballet, and am also discovering I'm a good choreographer.

Just now as I was stretching out my sides, looking down at the floor, I made notice of my turnout. When I'm in first position, I'm impressed with my turnout, but when I go into fifth position, it doesn't look as closed as I think it should; especially given that I have a well over a 90 degree turnout.

It made me think of a routine I recorded the other week. I was on a diagonal, and I wished my fifth position looked more professional. But then I stopped my negative thinking.

1)  Ballet is not about turnout!  

Even professional dancers do not have a "perfect" 180 degree turnout, and anyone who comes close gets their dance career cut short with bad arthritis in the knees.

It is these disgusting "facts" that we create to make others think only the "elite" can dance, and I can assure anyone, this is bullshit!

2)  Another disgrace to ballet is the anorexic thin body-type requested of a dancer. But look at Anna Pavlova. Considered to be one of the greatest dancers of the early twentieth century, she was far from being a hundred and five pounds.

Our dance world is arguably run by the same women-haters that run Hollywood and the fashion industry, and it is a lie.

I have talked with ex-dancers who have been in companies, such as the National, and have learnt that the girls smoke and even do coke - amongst the usual eating disorders, which includes taking laxatives - to obtain a figure that is nearly impossible. Ask yourself, and answer honestly, would you rather be a sick "acceptable" ballerina, who is always obtaining injuries and constantly in and out of physio (which is expensive), or would you rather be healthy and happy, and let that reflect in your dance?

I have struggled with my body, but I am starting to accept that is fluctuates frequently, and I have learnt to work with it. Anyone who judges us, or thinks we aren't real dancers because we're sporting some extra weight in our backsides and chest can seriously keep their bigotry to themselves. I'm also a firm believer that women's bodies should never be up for discussion - especially in the work place, and even if it's a compliment.

3)  Ballet is for anyone who is willing. For me, it is not the ballet itself that is intimidating, but rather the music. Dance does not exist without music, and yet I hear professional singers, and see professional dancers with little musicality. It's quite amazing really, and for me only further demonstrates the corruption and nepotism in the industry.

In order to feel more confident as a dancer, I recommend music lessons, either in ear training or playing an instrument. It makes a world of difference in performance, hones the ability to "feel" where one is physically situated (a must in dance), and best of all, improves self-confidence, which for me, is the key to the door.

As dancers, we must believe in ourselves, because unless we have an exceptional coach, no one else will.

Damage control

We must not be afraid to reflect up on and accept the shortcomings that happen throughout the day. 

There are Seven Deadly Sins that are identifed as being the key demons, and I for one know which one plague me the greatest, which I must fight every day. It is unfortunate that we have to battle, but when we are aware and honest about our character defects, we can begin to correct them. 

Jung stated, “(when) a man does not notice it when he is governed by a demon; he puts all his skill and cunning at the service of his unconscious master, (he) heighten(s) its power a thousandfold." 

I believe that just one demon is more powerful than all humans put together; not only are they created that way, but sin is a very personal thing; when we are in a state of consumption by it even the best advice cannot release us from its terror. Not only does one demon seem overpowering, but we are told that they are Legion; it feels like a losing battle. I feel that these “soul eaters” can consume us to the point that we are not responsible for our actions – even to the point of what we understand suicide to be.

That said, the New Agers are right about one thing I believe – there is immense power in positive thinking, and it is extremely important in damage control, because once infected, it is near impossible to heal from the infection. Only the act of grace can relieve us, and who is strong and consistent enough to believe? I had a bad episode about a week and a half ago: even prayer was not relieving me, it was unbelievable. I now think that remaining uplifted can keep us close enough to God so that don’t wander too far into the forest where we can't find our way back. 

At this time not entertaining my sins so that I may release them as soon as I experience them will be my first line of defense. If I can resist them, then I can avoid being consumed by them. My back up plan will be to tell the demon to leave, and this is tricky because I will have to research more about them. Will further learning strengthen my thoughts and in turn make me more vulnerable, or is this necessary work on my path to self improvement? Below is a 16th century reference taken from Wikipedia:

• Lucifer/Satan: Pride (superbia)
• Mammon: Greed (avaritia)
• Asmodeus: Lust (luxuria)
• Leviathan: Envy (invidia)
• Beelzebub: Gluttony (gula or gullia)
• Amon/Behemoth: Wrath (ira)
• Belphegor: Sloth (acedia)

I find this topic fascinating. Demonology was an academic study around the time that the list was created, and I think it's being revived (I loved how they bring it back in The Rite). I consider people who study this stuff to be right up there in righteousness alongside the priests - who actually do know about this topic since they are the head exorcisers. It takes a lot of courage socially and emotionally to go out there and say, "I believe that this is a real and present danger!"

In closing, I recommend positive thinking. Maybe I needed to write this blog to really ingrain this concept for myself, or maybe I think I am helping others in my writing. Either way, I am grateful that I am where I am, and I don't want to waste time  or reject the grace given to me by letting voices in my head control my activities. Ways that I plan to stay away from the abyss is to better monitor the information that I take in, and to try to be more honest about my goals.

The Wetiko virus

It has been put forward that we have been attacked for millennia by an extraterrestrial group called the archons, who created what is called the the wetiko virus: an alleged "psychic parasite" that exploits our weaknesses to sin: anger, greed, lust, sloth, gluttony, pride, and envy, in order to cause confusion and overpower the capacity for discrimination and choice.

Though I am still researching how and why they came to be, I have found support for these aggressors in canonized and apocryphal texts. There are many references as early as the 6th chapter in the first book of the Old Testament (the sons of God), but the following I have found to be particularly telling in this nature of "fallen angels":

"We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." - Ephesians 6.12, New King James Version

"That through that Immortal Androgynous Man they might attain their salvation and awake from forgetfulness through the interpreter who was sent, who is with you until the end of the poverty of the robbers." - The Sophia of Jesus Christ, Nag Hammadi Library

There are several theories that I know of for the attack of Earth and its people: one is that the gold and minerals are being mined, and we have been deadened into a slave race; another is that there was a war between extraterrestrial species, and the losing side sought refuge on Earth, eventually colonizing it; another is that a dying breed is trying to learn about the human race, because they feel that their cure can be found through our DNA or soul; and of course the standard, which isn't so outlandish when we recognize it's the cause for the most popular religion in the world, "It's better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven." (Satan)  

Whatever the reason for the sickness in our lives, communities, and nations, I do offer a solution:

"Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6.14-7

And lastly, love. "Lord forgive them, for they do not know what they do." These fallen spirits are of God, and though their disease is not, God probably wants these archons back as much as we want them gone. We must remain peaceful, for it is not our place to use judgement. We do not understand what is happening, and I have learnt through personal experience that the wrong things, people, and organizations get blamed when we try to take justice into our own hands.

"I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts." - 1 Corinthians 4.4-5

May the Lord bless you and strengthen your gift of discernment.

Chapter 1

He was standing at the bar, I didn’t see him come in or walk toward it.

He had a tuque on, his head tilted down enough that he was speaking only with his eyes: large, dark, and slightly sunken. I was so attracted to him.

He ordered a shot of Wild Turkey and a Blue. His voice was so deep. The beer request gave me a moment of grace. At least I knew half his order.

I turned toward the bar, holding my breath, feeling my heart, scanning furiously while trying to be undetectable. “What the hell is ‘Wild Turkey’ and where the eff is it??...’”

Found it. I took it to the counter. Shaking from private embarrassment of not even knowing my job, and intimidation from his beauty and firmness, I spilt quite a bit. No mind. This has taken long enough. Move on.

Without smiling, mostly likely with a look of amazement and terror instead, I put down the shot in front of him. My boss, Sylvia, took inventory as though it were the eighties. Even those paying cash had to leave a paper trail. I over-heard his name. Chris. I tore off a clean sheet from my pad and silently wrote down his order.

It’s a friendly bar, only regulars really frequent. I went to the back to fetch beer to stock the fridge. My third last patron, Bruce, had left. My second, Manuel (pronounced [Man-well]), a Portuguese man who was about sixty and has an accent though he was born in Canada, was downstairs using the washroom. When I returned to the front I saw that Bruce was gone. He didn’t say good-bye. Did he know?...

In my naïve, friendly, and absolving fashion, I ran toward the door to shout good-bye. Manuel was now coming up the stairs, located right beside the door, and told me to get away from it. It was nearly the dead of winter. He then bid me a good-night.

Manuel didn’t get along with Sylvia, I never really knew why. They didn’t say and I didn’t ask. He would put me in awkward situations because he would bad-talk her within my earshot, but he would prove to be very dear to me: he played my cupid out of his usual sheer generosity.

Chris went downstairs. I hoped he was staying. I went back to get more stock.

Just as I hit the threshold between the back and the bar, Chris was right there, we literally collided. It was perfect. I knew then and there something magical was happening. Nothing ever worked so organically or timely for me.

I think he would have walked into the back had I not gotten to that dividing point first. The regulars treat the bar like their home, that’s how Sylvia can keep it running, even though it’s usually quite empty. Many have seen the disarray of the back room and kitchen, though I was told on more than one occasion that it wasn’t allowed. I soon saw that there were more rules for me since I was new.

Chris said that he wanted to play a new album he just bought between work and the bar. I said sure. I continued to move behind the bar and neatly placed the beer in the fridge. First things first! Chris was now a few steps behind the bar. I nearly panicked. “You can’t come back here!” I exclaimed. He looked taken aback, but also endeared.

He handed me the CD. Amy Winehouse’s post-mortem album. I wasn’t fond of her music until that night. At this point, it was only Chris and me in the room. We sat directly across from each other, with the bar in between, forming a safe barrier.

The music was so smooth and sensual. There were waves where I felt that we were bonding, where I felt that we were falling in love. That made me feel uneasy.

I admired that he spent money on actual albums instead of stealing them online. He said the two most important things to him were books and music. That he had more albums, books, and movies than his tiny bachelor apartment could manage, and that he even had quite a few of his CD's there at the bar. I was officially enamoured.

I was the one in control, running the bar, but he controlled our interaction, talking non-stop; it was quite remarkable. And when I wasn’t floating in and out of paranoia, I felt like a princess.

He influenced me so much. I even became patriotic that night. I asked him what his background was. He told me Canadian. I told him there was no such thing. He, with more authority than my timid being could feel comfortable with, said that was not true: that once we are even just first generation, where our ancestors came from has no bearing. I think the fact that his mother’s side were pioneers had much to do with his view as well. Then and there I stopped thinking about the UK. I didn’t want to be English anymore. I wanted to be North American.

No one else came into the bar during my shift. I knew God was working with me that night.

I hoped to see him again on my next shift.